Holistic Perspectives

A Change In Perspective

2011-07-05T22:41:00.000-04:00

I thought I was going blind. One day in the middle of May I realized that the vision in my left eye was all blurry. Half of my field of vision was covered with a brown curtain, the other half was like looking through a half inch of water. How strange, all of a sudden I couldn't see right.

I went to my apartment, I was living in Viet Nam at the time, and searched the internet. Big mistake. I was sure I was going blind. So many possibilities and all bad. I hoped that it was just temporary, but I knew deep down that it was serious. By the end of the week I had figured out that I had a detached retina. If not taken care of I would go blind. And chances were that what caused it in one eye could cause it to happen in the other.

I should have left Viet Nam immediately, but I was scheduled to leave in two weeks. I didn't want to make my students nervous and I didn't know for sure what was going on. Although if I did have a detached retina they said I should have it looked at immediately. Fool that I am I stayed till the end of May and saw my opthamologist the first day back in Rhode Island.

I did have a detached retina. Fortunately, if you believe in fortune, my eye looked surprisingly healthy, and the macula was still attached. (If it was not I would be really screwed.) On June 3rd my eye was stuck with a needle and a gas bubble inserted. I had to spend the next two weeks in bed laying on my right side so the bubble could push my retina back in place. Amazing. No cutting was necessary to fix the tear in my retina. But..and this is a big but...they used a laser to "tack weld" the retina in place permanently. And that hurt like hell. Like someone sticking needles in your eye.

It's been a month now. My vision significantly improved, but is far from back to normal. My doctor said that this is it, but everything I read on the internet says it will take several months for the eye to heal and the body to remove the fluid behind the retina which is causing my vision to look like I'm seeing through water. So, who knows what will happen. And I still have a 15% chance of the same thing happening to my other eye.

I know now that I most likely will not go blind, but, I could end up with bad vision in one or both eyes. Who knows? I admit I'm a little nervous. But, I keep hearing a voice in my head. I've heard this voice all through my ordeal. It says to me that "the universe is a safe place." And "don't worry, nothing happens by chance." Do I ask "the universe" to heal my eye and make it all better, of course. And at the same time I feel a strong sense of peace that whatever does happen is best for my soul. Nothing goes wrong in our universe. There is a plan and a reason behind everything that happens to us. That is my perspective, even if my vision must change.

How Choices Are Not Always Helpful

2011-01-06T10:52:00.001-05:00

Do you think having a lot of choices is good? Of course we do. Who wants to go to a restaurant and not have a lot of dishes to pick from? Yeah, well, this is not always the case. I was watching a video about this very subject today that argued this way.

Click here to see video: Choice: Less is More

Anyway you can check this out if you are interested. (The whole series of these videos is interesting. They are great speakers who come to speak to Google employees. I watch them in the morning while I do my yoga.)

So, okay, it makes sense to me after listening to the guy. But how does this apply to the real world? Then I thought about my living in Vietnam and how all of a sudden I started seeing all the things I didn't like about it. Before that, I loved everything. Well, most everything. Still, the change happened almost over night. And you know when that change occurred? Right after I got photos and emails from my daughter Gina living in Arizona and how wonderful and beautiful it is there. And I started thinking that I could move there.

Choice. I now had another place that I could live. Of course, because I was not living there I only fantasized about how wonderful it would be. And that is exactly when I began noticing all the things I didn't like about Vietnam.

The end result was a lot of anguish. There are a lot of people I love there. There are a lot of reasons for me to be there. But, now I also saw the bad. What to do? I spent a sleepless night and then days trying to decide what to do. In the end I decided to postpone coming back to Vietnam after the Christmas holidays and give Arizona a try. I believe that after living there a while I will see all the things I don't like about it also. Such is the nature of having choices.

I wonder how many marriages and relationships have ended because of this principle. Or jobs that we left. Or towns moved away from. (And countries.)

So what is the benefit of knowing this? Probably just being aware of how this works will be helpful in the future. I must know that when I have another choice it will always look better than what I have. It may be, but I can't know. I must not act so fast or assume what I don't know. I do know that I am headed for Arizona now, wondering what will happen, and glad that I do have options to go back to my original choice. But beware, often we don't have that option. Sometimes choices cannot be reversed.

Business Perspective

2010-08-15T06:58:00.000-04:00

Last summer Cheryl was the second salesperson behind Dana. I found out that she was selling our product at cost. She said that customers wouldn't buy it at our regular price. Cheryl found a new job.

Ed took Cheryl's place this year. I made it a habit to check his invoices to make sure that the same thing didn't happen again. Turns out he was selling the product for more than our regular price. Turns out customers would pay more. Why was one salesperson below and one above our regular price?

They had different perspectives on what the customer was willing to pay. The customers were the same, but the salespersons' perspectives were different. Which of course led to much different outcomes in their incomes. And mine.

Choices, Now and in the Future

2009-08-23T18:12:00.003-04:00

It only works in the present moment. We can't make a change and think that it will last. Why? Because it only works in the present moment.

Wouldn't we all like to, for instance, choose not to eat refined carbohydrates any more? Or choose to stop wasting time, or energy? Think of all the things you would like to change. Why can't we once and for all make a choice and be done with it? Why do we commit to a new diet today only to go off it tomorrow? Because we live only in the present. We do not and cannot live in both the present and the future.

I was thinking about an unhappy event today. I wanted to just let it go and be done with it. My mind wanted to keep going over what a rotten thing this person had done. But I wanted no more of it. Right then and there I said good bye to the thoughts. And I realized that while that could work for the moment, later on those same thoughts would come back. Why? Because we can only choose for the present moment, we cannot choose for the future. We don't live there.

Want to make changes in your life? Once isn't enough. We must choose every day until the change becomes real. I guess life is a little more challenging than we'd like it to be.

The Romance of Illusions

2009-08-16T20:11:00.002-04:00

I was thinking today about not being young any more and not being ambitious like I once was (like when I started my business). For a while I was thinking what a shame that I don't have the drive to do more (not the same as energy). I am definitely on some sort of cruise control or something. I don't want to make more money or have more success.

Today at the beach I read the following by Joseph Conrad from his short story Youth: "...our faces marked by toil, by deceptions, by success, by love; our weary eyes looking still, looking always, looking anxiously for something out of life, that while it is expected is already gone--has passed unseen, in a sigh, in a flash--together with the youth, with the strength, with the romance of illusions."

Is it possible that with the passing of our youth we also lose the romance of illusions? If that is true as Conrad seems to be saying then what is going on in my life can be a good thing. Maybe I'm not driven to get more out of life, the more being a simple illusion. Maybe by letting go of the toil, deceptions, and success, I am moving beyond illusions into something more real.

My youth is gone (most of us still have our strength) but with it are the illusions and the pain and the crap that comes with it. The world wants us to think that we need to make more money and buy more things to be happy. But this is a lie so that they can have more money and buy more things. Romancing the illusions has been a wonderful learning experience for most of us. But now, I choose to sit by the seashore, watching the play of waves in wonderment. Let some kids, while they are still young, enjoy the toil and live the romance and strive for the success. It's life.

Wanting

2009-08-15T21:05:00.003-04:00

I swear to God, if I were given three wishes, I'd use up two of them to help me not want any more. I'd keep one wish in reserve, just in case I wanted my wanting back. But, geez, there is so much wanting in life, life would be some much more enjoyable without wanting.

Actually, while my wanting is still running in high gear (along with my passions for this and that) I am much more aware of the wanting process. I notice my wanting instead of just being my wanting. And that's an important distinction. Somehow, when I notice my wanting it doesn't feel frustrating any more. It feels...like it's someone else's wanting. And maybe at that point it is.

Either way, I think I'm exhausting my supply of wanting in this life time. I don't want wanting any more. I'm done wanting. I just want to be. Does that count as wanting? Probably.

Providing Shade In August

2009-08-12T20:08:00.003-04:00

There comes a time when you just are not supposed to do a lot. For trees it's winter. For me it's this summer. Learning to just be. To check in once in a while and watch my breath. Even better, watching the waves play with the sand on the shore. More peace and simple happiness these days than in years past. I could get used to this.

I notice things more than I used to. Got upset the other day at the gym when someone changed the channel to Fox News. Became aware of how my ego played its part in all of that. Why do I have to be invested in being right and the right (Republicans) being wrong? It is what it is. I don't know what is right and wrong (I know that sounds like relativism, but how do we know the truth?). I want to love what is.

It's all a process and it takes time to grow a tree. I am a tree. It's taken years to establish a strong root system. The tree is big enough and the branches bearing limbs and leaves. Fruit has been picked...hopefully still more to come. At this point in my life providing shade seems like a useful way to be. That's a perfect metaphor for my life now that action (bearing fruit) isn't such a priority.

I am a tree bearing leaves providing shade for all who find themselves sitting under my branches. Feel the soft gentle breeze?

Conditioned by the Past

2009-05-26T09:32:00.003-04:00

"Since the mind is conditioned by the past, you are then forced to reenact the past again and again."
Eckhart Tolle

When I read that passage this morning something inside me went: "Pay attention to this. Here is a key to helping you do what you really want to do." I understood that here was the aid I was looking for.

We all struggle to improve our live...well, that is if we are being aware and not living our lives unconsciously. If we are on cruise-control we just react to what comes our way without thinking. But, when we stop to reflect we notice things that we'd like to change.

I've read that awareness alone was enough. Just like in therapy, awareness itself is healing. I'm beginning to realize that something more is needed. Here is an example, something I am struggling with right now.

I am doing all the right things when it comes to eating healthy foods. I eat a mostly raw vegan diet. I feel great except for one thing, my weight. I was about 10 pounds (maybe 15 if I'm being honest and strict) over my ideal weight. And I have been trying to lose it. Instead, since returning from Vietnam I've gained 7 pounds . Why?

The food I eat satisfies my hunger and all of my nutritional needs. Why do I want more? Even when I allow myself a small treat I still want more. Even when I have two small treats I want more. Why? Why? Why?!!

I have begun to notice that it isn't a physical thing at all. And, I don't believe its psychological either. Unless you consider "past conditioning" psychological. When I stop to reflect on why I do eat more than I want or need it does come down to this conditioning. Its a freaking habit! I grew up having treats in the house after dinner. If I am going to change my eating "habits" I am going to have to change my mind.

Anyway, this is just one example of how our mind is conditioned from the past and if we don't do something about it we will be "forced to reenact the past over and over again."

What can we do about this? Simple. Become aware of the habit, the conditioning. Don't resist it, but do observe it. Instead of being the habit, be the awareness of the habit. I'm going to give this a try and see what happens. If you see me and I've lost weight you'll know it worked.

Between the Sand and the Foam

2009-04-27T09:23:00.003-04:00

"I am forever walking upon these shores,
betwixt the sand and the foam.
The high tide will erase my foot-prints,
And the wind will blow away the foam.
But the sea and the shore will remain
Forever." Kahlil Gibran

I was thinking of this poem while sitting in the sand at the beach yesterday. With 80 degree weather it was like summer. I thought "between the sand and the foam." I looked. There was nothing between the sand and the foam. The sand and the foam is where the ocean meets the land.

What does it mean to be somewhere that can only be two dimensional, not three? What did Gibran want to convey by saying he was walking between the sand and the foam? As I watched the dance I began to see that the foam was always moving and the sand was at rest. Ah, the play of being and doing once again.

Was the poet's life lived in that non-space between doing and being? Was he trying to say that his place was a delicate balance between doing and being? I think he was. The best of lives are lived with a wise blend of activity and stillness, work and play, wakefulness and sleep.

And as for our doing and being, the tide of life will wash away what we do and the winds of change will blow away even our spiritual achievements. But...the sea and the shore, love, God, the universal intelligence that guides the stars, remains.

Boring Can Be Good

2009-04-12T18:45:00.005-04:00

Suppose you got to a point where you had eaten enough ice cream that the idea of eating it didn't interest you all that much any more. Substitute any other food, or all food for that matter. Suppose you got to a point where all movies seemed to be remakes of others that you had already seen. Movies stopped being entertaining. Substitute any other form of entertainment.

Suppose your job stopped being interesting, or topics of conversation, or everything in your life was nice, but since you had done it all, said it all, seen it all, so many times before...suppose you just got...bored. Is that a bad thing?

I was thinking about that. Sometimes my life is boring. At times I feel like what else is there to do. Moments, maybe even for the better part of a day. You'd think that would be a good enough reason to get depressed.

Sitting on the floor on Easter Sunday I was thinking that being bored with life could be a good place to explore another dimension of...life, reality, existence. If we are in essence infinite, it would make sense that the finite world we live in would eventually become tiring, less entertaining. Maybe instead of becoming depressed, if one were to become aware, at a time like this, one could discover new...life.

Suppose you found yourself bored with life or simply feeling like you've "been there, done that." But instead sinking into self-pity or becoming miserable you looked at this as an opportunity. Since regular life has become less attractive, less demanding of your attention, maybe instead of becoming depressed, you looked deeper into things, beyond the day to day living. If you could stay present and not make judgments about how life should be and just be with the...boredom, maybe there is something else that life wants to show you.

Anyway, that's what I'm thinking. Not that I don't have enough to keep me busy, but, maybe if what is out there that does keep me busy becomes less interesting, maybe I will dig a little deeper. Maybe I will listen a little closer to the silence that I know keeps calling me.

When life begins to suck, that is not the time to complain. I think that's the time to listen. When life sucks it's actually helping you to listen, or at least trying to get your attention.

Nothing Ever Happens By Chance

2009-03-13T10:40:00.003-04:00

A few months ago I met a woman that I really liked. We seemed to have a lot in common and shared similar values. On our third date we had a disagreement about whether or not things happened by chance. I said that nothing happens by chance. She said she never wanted to see me again.

Because of the ending of that relationship I ended up back in Vietnam. Had she not dumped me I would have stayed here in Rhode Island for the winter. A few weeks into my trip to Vietnam I knew I was meant to be there. I absolutely knew that I had to be there. (See my travel blog at Vietnam trip.) Nothing happens by chance, not even a pretty girl telling you to take a hike.

Time after time these past few months I have been amazed to see every little thing come into place as if I were dancing a dance perfectly stepping into my spot on the dance floor. Things that I used to think were happening at random became so obvious that there was some clear intelligence operating behind the scenes. I could see that everything was happening according to some kind of organization.

I don't want to say that we live in a predestined world, that fate controls everything we do or say. It's not that at all. It's much more complicated. It is as if each of us live multi-dimensional lives. There is more going on in the universe, in our lives, than we can ever imagine. Just know that not one tiny detail in your life is random and inconsequential. Everything serves a purpose, maybe for you, maybe for someone else. Whatever. Everything is perfect. Everything.

Knowing this requests just one thing from us: watch. Don't let these events pass unnoticed. Enjoy the synchronicity of it all. Enjoy the dance. Nothing by chance. The more I witness the purpose behind life the more satisfying my life is.

Lessons From Vietnam

2009-01-30T05:43:00.004-05:00

Friday Day One: I know that I was meant to come back here. I know this because I want to come home. No, I'm not coming home, but I have that sick feeling inside that I've experienced the last two times I came.

I am meant to be here to continue the lessons I've been learning over the past year. I can feel this strongly. This trip is not about learning to teach, helping the poor, or getting away from the cold. Being away from home and away from my simple routines I am faced with fact that what I have, who I am, where I am, and what I do is never enough. I always want whatever it is that isn't. Is this the natural human condition?

I think I'm getting tired enough to surrender.

Saturday Day Two: Oh boy, last night was tough. Oh, the fear came rushing in. It is not a fear of anything in particular. It's just fear and it makes me want to get out of here. It is purely irrational. But it is real. All I could do was look at it and ask "who is it that is feeling this fear?"

That seemed to help because I couldn't answer that question. I also worked on just accepting it for what it was and not try to change anything. That took the edge off, but didn't change the raw emotion of it. I am certainly here to look at this unnamed fear, whatever it is. I took another sleeping pill. I had stayed awake all day so I expected the pill to knock me right out. No such luck, I was awake most of the night. I put in my ear plugs and at least I didn't have to listen to the noise outside.

Whatever the case, I made it through my first big test. A couple more days here and I think I will be past the danger zone. I am very interested to see what this fear thing is. It is so strange because I'm not a fearful person. If I were I wouldn't have gone to all the places I've been (and dated some of the women that I've dated).

Sunday Day Three: The fear and anxiety comes when I go to bed. Strong, but not quite as bad as the night before. I practice Eckhart Tolle instructions for awareness and welcome the fear. I do not try to make it go away but accept it. I am curious, I have no idea why I have it or where it comes from. Embracing the fear works and slowly it dissolves, only to be replaced with what I can only describe as an examination of conscience. I begin looking at my life and truthfully see my selfishness and striving to find happiness. It doesn't feel negative or condeming, just a recognition of my lack of letting go and resisting what life gives to me.

This goes on for about an hour and I fall asleep for an hour only to wake up and start the process over again until morning. I sense God saying that bringing me to Vietnam and having my time zones completely reversed was the only way he could get my attention. I am held captive. Not in a bad sense. I feel The spiritual doctor working on me. Not pleasant. But the pain is tolerable.

I would come home in a New York second but I am absolutely certain that I am meant to be here. Pain or no pain. All I can do is embrace the unknown fear and be present. This is hard work. I thought I was way above this but I'm not.

Facing Fears

2009-01-22T10:28:00.005-05:00

I have decided to go back to Vietnam and face my fears. I believe that it was a mistake to come back here two weeks ago. I believe that being severely jet lagged and sleep deprived influenced my decision to think up all the reasons why I needed to come home.

That being said, it was a good thing that I did come home. The lessons that I learned are still very valid. And I will not forget them. I have learned much through this conversation about going or not going. In the end, I have to go, I don't have a choice, I must at the very least face my fears of going back to Saigon. But I'm going back prepared!

I'm packing a bottle of melatonin to help me get to sleep the first few nights. I've read tons of articles about overcoming jet lag and this makes the most sense. I will use my Ipod and soothing meditation music to drown out the noises of the city. I'll rest on the plane and hydrate myself. These are all things I didn't do before.

As Marlin Lindsay told me:

Just do it, or not! Either way you will be fine or not, it's your choice. If you decide not to, be prepared to let it go and allow the universe to call you. "Be still and know that I am" said the scriptures.

There you go. There I go. There we all go.

To Go Or Not To Go: Feedback

2009-01-21T09:47:00.008-05:00

I have not made up my mind to return to Vietnam. But I have come to realize that it's not about the choice, it's about the process. I've made many trips in my life, this would be just one more. I am learning a lot about life and myself as I figure out my next move, or not move.

I want to thank everyone who has expressed their thoughts to me. My children and sister and parents have told me clearly to stay home. Imagine if they said go, who needs ya. I'm very blessed to have the family I have and receive so much love from them.

A number of friends told me to stay, that they thought I might be having some mental emotional problems and that I might want to consider getting some help. I can see where they would want that for me.

My close friend Mike Ryan told me to identify the real fear that I have. Excellent. I think that hits the core of the issue.

And then my nephew Ralph really gave me something to chew on. This is from his email:

Hi Uncle Frank,

I am in Cambodia, I have a position restoring coral and farming giant clams to restock the reefs. It is with an organization called Marine Conservation Cambodia, back to a tropical island!

As far as actually making decisions, I think you have way too many options.

(Travel) is a process, a necessary process. 'I travel because I must' is the beginning, the name of the album, and the driving force to leave. Then the fun challenges come, the rewards, then the loneliness. What is next? Do you know? I think you may not give yourself the chance to discover what comes next for you. As far as your development, you keep on starting the record and pulling it off the player before you listen to the whole album. If you want to own that record, I suggest you not give yourself the option of stopping it before you have experienced the whole thing. It may not sound nice halfway into it, but what if you had no choice, there was no such thing as changing tickets, you would have to wait it out and take what comes. You travel with limitless options, no one on this earth could decide what is the right choice with all those options.

Listen to the whole album or let it go.

That struck a strong cord in me.

I loved this from my friend Joanne Myszkowski:

We've kept a small framed plaque in our home for 20 years: "A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for." This statement has guided us through some of the most difficult decisions in our lives. Do what you must, and God be with you.

And another gym friend Richard Herriott:

Your conflicted dilemma regarding staying home or returning to Vietnam appears to have a solution as embedded in your writings. During your life you have consistently rejected Thanatos and faced your fears " head on " with your objective to be " victorious " . Eros is a strong force driving your personal nature which is fed and strengthened through travel and new experiences. Returning to Vietnam and obtaining a " Global Teaching Certificate " can have a positive impact on your travels to other Countries with the ability to teach. " Travel -you must " and six weeks in Vietnam can contribute to travel and life enhancing experiences for years to come !

All in all I think I made a mistake coming home the last time. I made a decision that I did not want to teach English at a time when I was extremely sleep deprived and irrational. I do want to teach, I at least want to give it a try. Now I have to decide if I want to go back and try again. As Ralphie says, "listen to the whole album or let it go."

Life or Death

2009-01-19T20:45:00.005-05:00

I do not want to go back to Vietnam. The thought of going back to the noise and bustle of Saigon scares the shit out of me. So why go? Why in the world even think about it? I've made my peace with that part of the world. God gave me a get out of jail card free. Been there done that more than once.

In psychology there is the idea of two forces in human nature: thanatos and eros. Thanatos is the death drive and eros is the life force. Sigmond Freud and later Ken Wilber wrote about them. Both contain the notion of a pulling, driving force. We can be drawn to or by these powerful aspects of the human condition. They are something both inside and outside of ourselves.

The idea to return to Vietnam was not my idea. I wanted to go to someplace easy, like Mexico. Instead, I find myself purchasing tickets to the place that just a week ago I was fleeing. I may be crazy but I'm not stupid.

The only way I can even begin to explain what is going on here is to discuss eros and thanatos. My experience of travel for the most part has been thanatos, a death drive, fear, I must go home. The lesson has not been learned. If I cannot bring eros, life, into this experience, death has won.

Ever try scuba diving? The first time you try to breathe underwater is frightening. I learned to scuba dive because I didn't want to be scared. I used to have a terrible fear of flying. So I learned how to fly and got my pilots licence. I am not afraid to breathe underwater or fly in a plane anymore. Eros won, thanatos lost.

Eros is calling me back to Vietnam. I'm not going back to change the world or help the poor or get out of the cold. Life is calling. Death would have me stay safe at home and enjoy my easy life.

I opened my Bible up at random this morning and my eyes fell on these words from Sirach 34: I have seen much in my travels, learned more than ever I could say. Is the Universe trying to tell me something?

If I had my choice, I'd have a job here that I loved and a life partner. I'd live in a cozy house and watch movies with my sweetheart after a hard day's work. But, that is not what life has given me.

I don't believe all that much in free will these days. I think we are driven by forces way beyond our control and understanding. This isn't a bad thing because those forces are kind and protective. It is Love itself that pushes us to places we would never go, to discover lands we would never see, with people we would never meet.

So, I will follow the words of the Garth Brooks song:

You know a dream is like a river, ever changing as it flows.
And the dreamer's just a vessel that must follow where it goes.

Too many times we stand aside and let the waters slip away
Till what we put off till tomorrow has now become today.

So don't you sit upon the shoreline and say your satisfied.
Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tide.

Part of me wants to see where the river flows. The other part wants to stay home and live a quiet safe life. I've got a week to make up my mind. I will probably wait till the last minute to make a final choice about going or not. I trust that whatever happens was meant to be, nothing happens by chance.

Back To Vietnam?

2009-01-19T08:55:00.002-05:00

"I travel because I must." Those are the words of my nephew Ralph Riccio. They could be mine as well. Yesterday I searched for flights to Mexico. My idea was to spend 3 or 4 weeks in Puerto Vallarta. That would be a comfortable escape from the cold New England winter. I wouldn't be gone too long. But I couldn't find any flights that made sense to me.

I woke up this morning and checked my email. Among them were two from the language school in Saigon that I was supposed to attend. The first was a invitation to a welcome dinner to meet fellow trainees and staff. The second email provided information on orientation for the course that begins February 2.

Returning to Vietnam was the last thing on my mind as I woke up this morning. So why did I get up out of bed and check flights back to Saigon, saying to myself, "well, maybe if they are cheaper, maybe I just might consider going back." Take a moment and breathe. Take more than a moment, take a month until this whole thing passes over. I am not a crazy person.

"I travel because I must."

It didn't help that the airline tickets were half the price that they were back in early January. Why am I even considering going back? Haven't I learned my lessons.?

Well, I wouldn't mind just having that certificate to teach English as a foreign language. I've already paid the $1200 for the course. And most of my accommodations are already paid for. Hum...

What will he do?

"I travel because I must." Damn it Ralph, did you have to tell me that?

God, You Could Have Told Me

2009-01-15T20:18:00.002-05:00

"So God, you could have told me not to make the trip to Vietnam and saved me $3400. I specifically asked you if I should go. You didn't say anything so I used my best judgment. Why didn't you warn me that I'd want to come back so soon?

"You wouldn't have listened."

"You could have shouted, spoken more clearly. I wouldn't have gone if you told me not to," I replied.

And God said, "So tell me what you have learned from the whole thing."

I took a long time to think about it. You know God doesn't mind if you take your time in answering Him. "Well, I learned that I'd rather be cold with friends and family than warm with strangers. I learned that it's not my job to change the world or even to make sure that Vietnamese kids learn English. I learned that I'll never be happy living somewhere by myself and that teaching English isn't my vocation. I'd rather play my fiddle than learn another language."

"What else did you get out of your trip?" God pressed on.

"Well, I feel that a burden has been lifted. I don't feel like I have to live somewhere else to be happy. I have more than I need right here at home. I realize that I've been living for some future thing and not enjoying what I have right in the present, every day. I always think that the next thing is better than the current one."

And God spoke to me one more time, "Sometimes you just have to go out and find out for yourself. I can't save you from this by telling you what to do. That's why you are here on this planet, to have experiences so you can learn. Take a deep breath grasshopper, the fire of suffering becomes the light of consciousness, to quote a favorite teacher of mine."

Ain't it a hoot that you can talk to God and she talks back?

Not Wanting What You Take

2009-01-11T17:15:00.002-05:00

This is the flip side of the blog on wanting what you get. Rest assured that you will not want what you take. I say this knowing that after so many years I should have already known this. Let me say this clearly - I am an idiot!

Laying here in my bed in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, after a second sleepless night, I can tell you that if you do something for yourself, in other words take from life instead of receive, you will not like it. I think I have been doing a good job of taking for a long time. How do I know? Because most of what I have taken has been so unsatisfying. My current travels a case in point. Get me outta here!

Looking back on my life it is so clear that whenever I have taken, or made things happen, I have not enjoyed what I got. On the other hand, when things happen unplanned or striven for, life is so much more wonderful. Even when those things at first appear terrible.

It seems too often I am thinking about what I want or what will make me happy and not about how I can best be of service to the universe. How many more times will I have to repeat the lesson. The good thing is that I get dissatisfied much quicker now days. I am aware of my mistakes sooner, although they make me feel stupider than if I pretended that I hadn't made them in the first place. And, they have become expensive.

It doesn't matter. Life is so lifeless when the focus is on getting for ourselves. One only has to walk the streets of Saigon to see that clearly. If I could be granted on wish right now it would be to always have in mind this lesson. Whatever we do for ourselves is wasted, and maybe even worse than that.

The Real Secret: Wanting What You Get

2009-01-03T18:11:00.003-05:00

Personal development is not about getting what you want. It's about wanting what you get.

The conversation at a raw food potluck dinner today turned to generating abunance in our lives. God wants us to have wealth. Drawing on the teachings of The Secret, I was told that we can create unlimited happiness, health, love, and prosperity, effortlessly. We just need the intention. A lot of people believe this or want to. The idea has sold a heck of a lot of books.

So that's it. This is the secret of life. My young friend wants to invest $13,000 in a seminar that will help him become wealthy. $8,000 of that goes to the person who signs him up, and $5,000 goes to the promoters of the seminar. Out of that maybe a couple thousand actually go to putting on the seminar. Sounds like they have found the secret. Oh, the seminar is about personal development. He wanted to know my thoughts. I said it sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

That got me to thinking about what really is personal development. If we believe the people who brought us The Secret, personal development is getting what you want. How much development is that. A baby knows how to get what it wants. Just ask, if asking doesn't work, cry. And that's how most people expect God, or the Universe, to respond to them, their needs, and wants. That to me does not show any personal development at all. Asking God for things, even good things, implies that you know better and that somehow God is forgetting to give you what you need.

Here is my take on personal development: want what you get. What an interesting concept. At first blush it sounds stupid and nonsensical. How can I want what I get? I get what I get. Yes, but you can also want it. Wanting what you get implies that you understand that God, or the Universe, knows what he/she is doing. And, conversely, that you probably don't. After 56 years on this planet I do know one thing for sure. God does know what he/she is doing and I don't. That's it. That, my friends, is the secret.

So to my young friend, don't waste your time asking for what you think you need or want. You really don't know what will make you happy anyway. Try just wanting what you do get. That will keep you plenty busy. And if you can truly get to that point you will have all the happiness that you could ever have asked for.

Content and Form

2008-12-07T12:10:00.002-05:00

I have recently undertaken the challenge of reading Leo Tolstoy's 1200 page classic War and Peace. I am amazed at the depth of insight revealed in his writing. Many wise thoughts and perceptions. Much of it useful in navigating life's wild, or not so wild, river. Here is one quote:

"Among the innumerable subdivisions that can be made in the phenomena of life, one can subdivide them all into those in which content predominates and those in which form predominates."

For a long time I have been aware of the important distinction between content and form. Another way of saying this would be to recognize the difference between the relative and the absolute, as in relative truth and absolute truth. Or inner purpose and outer action. Being and doing.

I am coming to realize that inner being, absolute truth, and form, must come first. Outer doing and action is secondary. In fact, if the form is correct, which means consciousness and awareness are present, then my actions will be in accord with the universe and it's unfolding.

I often ask myself what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I am beginning to understand that that is a waste of time. I will naturally be drawn to my calling if I am being present and aware. What a relief! I can't be certain if what I'm doing is God's will, but I can become more conscious, more aware, more present.

Eckhart Tolle says that there is another way to determine if what you are doing is ego driven and not your true path. If you are following your passion and it does not satisfy you, then it was your ego speaking and not God. And that insight is one of the most useful things I have learned in the past year! Why? Because it is very easy to tell what is satisfying and what is not.

Travel and See the World

2008-11-23T13:16:00.002-05:00

We are told to travel and see the world. That is a good thing. It's educational. But for me it has been a dangerous thing.

What happens when you travel and see lots of places and decide that you would rather be there than here? It is kind of like an infection that doesn't go away. Even when you are able to move about the fever still burns underneath.

I love my home, my family, my friends. I love the city I live in, the company I own, the beach in the summer. But now, all the while I am home I wonder what is Hoa doing in Vietnam and Rocio in Ecuador, Maria Luz in Peru and Rosaria in Italy. Is Perry still drinking like crazy in Nicaragua? I miss them all and long to be somewhere else.

If only I could gather them all up and bring them home or take my family and friends to them. But I can't and that is the curse of travel. Be careful when you take off to see the world. You will lose parts of your heart. Fortunately, your heart will become much bigger and in the end, while feeling the pain of separation you will also feel the comfort of being loved.

Responsiblity and Knowing What to Do

2008-11-21T08:59:00.003-05:00

I did another impulsive thing yesterday. I bought an airline ticket to Nicaragua. I leave in a week and come home before Christmas. So what is the problem and why have second thoughts? My dad said that if he were young and could he would too.

In my head I have to answer questions like: what, you couldn't stay home for a while? Why did you need to take off again? Don't you have anything better to do? You should save your money and take it easy. Can't you take the cold? Am I being irresponsible by being away from home so much?

I will admit it, even I think I must have an issue here. My nephew Ralphie told me in Vietnam that he travels because he must. I feel that way. I feel compelled to get away from the routine and go on an adventure, even if that adventure most likely will often involve times when I will hate what I have gotten myself into.

I admit it, I get restless, but who wouldn't, not having a job to go to? I'm told there are things I could do, but they all require giving up a large portion of my freedom. I can't do that.

Ultimately it comes down to a question of responsibility. Do I have a responsibility to stay here and do something, anything, or can I go off on these "adventures" with a clear conscience? What is my duty here? I often ask God to tell me what to do. I get answers to other questions, but not this one. Never, never am I told what to do.

Part of a prayer in A Course In Miracles says: "I do not have to worry about what to say or do because he will direct me." Fine. Direct me. So how does that happen? I have no doubt that God does direct me onto my life path, but I haven't a clue as to how, other than what my nephew said about knowing that he "must" do what he does. We do what we must and hope that we are being directed. I believe I am and accept that sometimes it feels like it's all a big mistake. But that's just the feeling at the moment, looking back I usually see purpose and perfection. It's all perfect, even our impulsiveness, our restlessness, our issues.

We all do what we must. And it's perfect.

Stop Seeking and Start Giving

2008-11-18T16:54:00.002-05:00

A lesson from Scott Kalechstein's newsletter: There comes a time to stop seeking and start giving. Maybe I shouldn't be so worried about fixing myself and live.

Recently I've been trying hard to be a good meditator. Paying attention to my breath. But it is so hard to know when you are doing it right. In fact, it is impossible. How do I know, my mind might be wandering without me knowing it because I'm watching my breath? The thing is, we can't know concretely that we are doing a good job of being more mindful. We can only try. But we can give and live. Our actions can tell us if we are succeeding. Am I more peaceful? Do I get less aggrevated over things that happen?

I think I think too much. It is all well and good to seek the truth, to grow and learn how to be a better person. But there comes a time when the seeking has to take a back seat to the serving. If I do not do anything for other people what good is truth anyway?

I have been trying to find out what I am supposed to do next with my life. It seems to me that the next thing isn't about fixing me, but serving you. The question isn't what do I do next, it's how can I be useful.

What Crisis?

2008-10-17T02:43:00.002-04:00

So, the world economy is in crisis. I'm told at my office that people have completely stopped buying anything because of uncertainty with the banks. The business that I've owned for 26 years faces the biggest challenge since our opening day. Do I feel any stress? Nope.

Stress is when you are not sure where your next meal is coming from. Fear is that your child may die from disease or lack of food. We do not have a crisis in our country. Crisis exists in Nicaragua, Guatemala, Honduras, Mexico, among others, countries that our corporations have milked for all that they could so that we can have the life that we live. No, we are not in crisis.

Traveling around the world has opened my eyes to the terrible crimes that our country has committed against others in the name of freedom. A lie. I see how most of the world lives and they have so much more than we do in our country and now all we can think about is ourselves.

It is interesting that the main reason we are about to elect a black president isn't because he is the best choice to lead our country, even though I believe he is, but people are voting for him because he will help them financially. It isn't our banks that are bankrupt, it is us.

Still, I am at peace because I know that the Universe has a way of taking care of things, there is justice and fairness. I believe that in the end we all get what we deserve, we reap what we sow. Crisis, are you feeling crisis? Let go of what you want and you will find peace.

Feeling Safe and in Saigon

2008-10-10T21:59:00.003-04:00

I have learned from others and my own experience that we drawn things to ourselves. That can be good or bad. Since I have been more present, more aware of the inner me, I can feel a strong sense of being protected and blessed upon, for lack of a better word.

An example of this was yesterday. I checked out of my hotel in Saigon and forget to get my passport. (Hotels always hold it for security.) I didn't realize this until I was on the bus for Da Lat. I told the driver to let me off. They would not turn back. I was told that the hotel would send it to the bus company and I could pick it up in Da Lat tomorrow. That is not a comfortable feeling.

As I sat back in my seat the other passengers looked at me, as if saying, "good luck." I certainly felt vulnerable and insecure. Within a minute I remembered to be present and look at this as an opportunity to be trust the Universe. So I did. I didn't like it, but I accepted the situation.

Less than five minutes later the tour guide for a group on the bus is on the phone with my hotel asking them to bring my passport to a toll booth that we have to stop at. No one even asked him to try that. Another five minutes and there we are on the side of the highway and I am handed my passport. Sometimes I just feel that if I let go of what I want I am really letting go of my problems.

In the same sense, I jog on the street or park and smile at anyone I make eye contact with. You know what I get in return? Yup, a big smile. Isn't life grand?

Peaceful and content

2008-09-16T06:48:00.004-04:00

It has been an amazing summer. Never before in my life have I been so content with life, so peaceful and so happy with what I have. I experience wanting almost not at all. And I find myself just enjoying the sounds of summer, the clouds, the trees, the ocean. And I know exactly why and what has happened.

Since early this spring and right on through till now I have been reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth and watching his webcast with Oprah nearly every day. You could say I've really immersed myself in the lessons of being present, aware, and noticing my thoughts, feelings, and body. It has been an amazing spurt of personal growth. I feel less attached to things, less wanting of things, and more comfortable with what I have and who I am. I didn't think life could be so simple and easy.

So how did all of this happen? Certainly I've read many of the things in Tolle's book before. I've been on this journey for a long time. Why the big change this summer? I think the advantage of seeing and hearing Oprah and Tolle together was critical. It is one thing to read a book and try to grasp what the author is saying, but with the webcast I was able to get so much more. Oprah and her guests were able to ask the questions, to ask for clarification, that you usually don't get when you simply read a book. So I was able to get so much more out of what Tolle had to share.

The webcast also added another time in my day to reinforce the ideas of the book. Reading a few pages during the day was inspirational, but then watching the webcast before going to bed gave me another shot of the ideas. And, the next day while I was doing things it was easier to recall what was said on the webcast than what was written in the book. Maybe the combination of the two senses, seeing and hearing, made a stronger impact.

So, if you want to really have a life changing experience and find more peace in your life, I encourage you to watch the A New Earth webcast. You can download it onto your computer or ipod at Oprah.com. For me, it has been more rewarding and life changing than any class I've ever taken or book I've ever read or person I've ever met or you name it.

War is a mind-set

2008-09-05T06:54:00.002-04:00

I hesitate to write anything here political because that is not the purpose of this blog. So what I am about to say is meant to be apolitical, only an observation.

I watched John McCain's acceptance speech last night and I was struck with the frequency of his use of the word "fight." He said I will fight this and that probably about 30 or 40 times. The focus of his speech was quite different in tone than Obama's, who seemed to be more positive and spoke in more constructive terms.

In A New Earth Eckhart Tolle writes about war being a mind-set, that fighting unconsciousness will draw you into unconsciousness. "Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and whatever you resist, persists." It seems there is a clear difference in approach between Obama and McCain when it comes to bringing about change.

I also realized, observing how McCain chose Sara Palin at the last moment, he seems to react to situations, shoot from the hip as they say. Obama is more of a systems thinker, at least that is how he talks about change. McCain wants to drill and drill now to solve the oil problem. Obama offered a more comprehensive, holistic approach. In today's world, more than ever, we need politicians and leaders to see problems and the systems that they exist in. In a post-cold war world we don't need a fighter, we need a systems thinker.

I'm starting to show my leanings here. I'm sorry. I'll quit now.

Don't Want to Make the World a Better Place

2008-08-25T06:54:00.006-04:00

I don't want to make the world a better place,
I don't want to make anything
for everything is already perfect.
I would simply sing my song in the symphony of life and
I would dance my dance to the rhythm of the seasons.

I don't want to change anyone and make them better,
I don't want to change anything
for how would I know what to change and what to leave.
I would plant my seed in the garden of life and
I would bring colors and fragrance to humanity's table.

I don't want to work and heal sickness,
I don't want to fix anything
for nothing is broken.
I would smile while I surrender to the wisdom of life and
I would live in this perfect present moment and breathe.

Change

2008-08-10T19:25:00.003-04:00

"You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness."

Eckhart Tolle

It has taken me a long time to realize that trying to be anything does not work. There are so many things I've wanted to do or be, other than what I did or was but couldn't or wasn't. Any changes I've made on my own have been slow in coming and quite painful to achieve. And they have been relatively minor. But something interesting is happening this summer since I've been reading A New Earth and following along on Oprah's Webcast of the book.

Any time I start behaving or thinking in ways that are not what I really want to be going, suddenly, almost always, I become aware of my thoughts, feelings, and desires. This has almost never happened before. I would do something without thinking and then become aware that I am not happy about it. Now I have been conscious of what is going on before anything happens. Sometimes my actions change and sometimes they don't, but clearly my state of consciousness is changing.

This is an extremely interesting phenomenon. I become intensely aware, not just of what is happening, but that I am aware that I'm aware. It feels like I have more power, now I'm not acting unconsciously. I'm thinking this is the start of something good. I can see this developing more and bringing about real change. Imagine, being able to recognize my own insanity before I actually let it take root.

Go sell all that you have

2008-07-28T08:30:00.004-04:00

I had a great conversation with a friend of mine in the gym this morning. We shared that both of us had a number of religious experiences and had a strong faith in God. Dick being very Catholic and I being very... eclectic (Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, etc). Both of our lives had been changed by our experiences.

Driving home the saying of Jesus from the Bible came into my head, "go sell all that you have and come follow me." I was thinking that if I had real faith would I need all the money in my savings account? How much faith in God taking care of me do I really have? I have faith but not enough to really trust God.

Go sell all that you have.

I'm not ready to do that yet, but I can begin by exploring that statement and wonder why I don't have more trust in the Universe taking care of all my needs. Just thinking about that seems to create more faith. I want to have enough faith that I could sell all that I have. Why not?

Appreciating Walking

2008-07-17T13:16:00.002-04:00

I am 56 years old and I joined my daughter's boyfriend's softball team last week. During practice before my third game I pulled my right calf muscle. In warm up I stretched every muscle in my body except my calf muscle.I limped off the field. My dad had come to see me play, just like in high school.

I'm home today struggling to move around the house. I go outside to get the mail, limping, taking baby steps. I hope my neighbors are not watching. Walking slowly I hear the birds signing. I see the green of the leaves on the trees. I remember what it was like to walk without pain.

One minute I am running on the baseball field feeling like a kid again. Nothing feels as good as swinging a baseball bat or catching a fly ball. The next minute I walk off the field an old man. Tomorrow or maybe by Saturday I'll be young again. Things change every day.

I Don't Know

2008-07-15T21:33:00.002-04:00

Here is a new perspective: I don't know. Randomly opening up Eckhart Tolles' book I came across the the idea that to not know is not confusing, only thinking that you should know. It is alright to not know.

My world is filled with not knowing these days. I don't know what I'm going to do for a new career (I'm giving teaching English as a second language in Vietnam a try), I don't know who I will ever find to come with me as a life partner (I can't even imagine what she would look like). Those are the two biggies, what to do and who to do it with. The interesting thing is I'm okay with it. Part of me wants to be active about doing something. But that doesn't feel quite right.

What I really hear the universe (or God) telling me is to get comfortable in the not knowing. Be in that place of "don't know." That is a good place to be for a while, maybe all the while. Today I kept that idea in mind and I stayed in the present moment more than usual. I guess not knowing does that to ya. How will all of this play out? I don't know.

Tim Russert

2008-06-15T10:03:00.002-04:00

Tim Russert, the host of Meet the Press and NBC political commentator, died on Friday. He was 58. I liked Russert because in an age when news commentators are more about promoting their own agenda's, he was fair and unbiased. He appeared to totally love his work and always did it with a huge smile. He made a difference.

Seeing all the clips and conversations on television this weekend made me think more about life and careers. Why can't we all have jobs that we approach with the passion and enthusiasm that Russert had? It seems to me that I have been wasting a lot of time and education. After spending years in school and getting degrees the only thing I've been capable of doing is traveling and reading, with a little writing thrown in on the side.

Thinking about a career change these past few weeks, becoming a teacher of English as a second language, it is time for me to get off my ass and start helping people. And to do it with passion and love. Whatever it is, I have to be more like Russert and less like I have been for most of my life. There is no excuse for not making life better for other people.

The Long Emergency

2008-06-11T07:12:00.002-04:00

What happens if the world runs out of oil? That is the question asked in the book I just finished called The Long Emergency: Surviving the End of Oil by James Howard Kunstler. He believes that we are near the end of a unique time in human history when nature provided a very cheap source of energy. We are coming to the end of oil.

The book was written two years ago when oil was $50 a barrel. I imagine now, at over $130 he is saying, "I told you so." If the law of supply and demand is correct, and price is determined by the amount of supply available to the amount of demand, my guess is that Kunstler is correct that we have indeed begun to run low on the amount of oil out there. We've already past our peak here in America and it seems that the Middle East has too. If this is the case, we have only just begun to see high gas prices.

So where does this leave us if Kunstler is right? Well, I plan on learning more about growing my own food. I plan on spending less and saving more. I plan on getting used to not eating animals or animal products because with out oil for fertilizer that is going to get very expensive. I'm going to read more on passive solar heating, maybe a greenhouse for winter veggies. Certainly a smaller car next time around. I think we should begin to think about simplifying our lives. Things are about to change.

Kunstler argues that we Americans don't worry about running out of oil because we expect someone to invent something when we need it, but he says that so far we aren't even close. It would be better to be prepared for hard times than to be taken by surprise. Since I like to have a holistic perspective on life I will keep what he says in mind. Maybe we will come up with some wonderful alternative to fossil fuel and maybe we won't. Actually, life wouldn't be so bad if we had to go back to the old ways of living. Living the good life, as Scott Nearing used to call it. I bet there would be a lot less need for therapists. We'd all be too busy growing our own food and trying to keep warm to get depressed about it.

Anyhow, the book is a good read, very interesting, and has proven to be a good prediction of the future. It can't hurt to be forewarned.

It's a Lot of Little Things

2008-05-28T15:49:00.007-04:00

A good friend of mine died on Sunday. He was white water rafting with his two boys, fell out of the raft, swam back to the boat, and had a massive heart attack. He was 53. When I received the call I said I was surprised he lived so long.

I met Walter in Mexico. We became fast friends. We almost bought a bar in Cancun that week. Instead I taught him the cabinet business and we became partners in a new store I opened in Massachusetts. Walter was really fun to be with. One of the most likable people I'd ever met. The trouble was, he loved to take drugs, drink, and eat.

After a few years of being Walter's friend I had to part ways. I knew that if I didn't I'd end up dead, just as I was sure he would. I changed my life, my friends, my address, just about everything. Walter didn't, and now he's dead. Cutting the lawn today I asked myself why did I change and Walter didn't?

I know the biggest reason for me was that I didn't want to leave my kids without a father. So, was it love? I don't know, I believe Walter loved his kids, too. I know that my belief that God could help me, did help me. I think Walter believed that, too. I found other things to do that were satisfying. I went back to school. I took dance lessons. I learned to fly an airplane. I did so many things I have to wonder if I'm still running away from the life that eventually killed my friend.

Maybe I was running at one time, but it doesn't feel that way anymore. I pretty much feel at home, peaceful with my life now. So I ask myself, how did I get here and Walter didn't? The answer came quietly with the lawnmower chewing away, the birds sitting on my garden fence, the sun tanning my naked head. It was the same soft voice that saved my life about twenty years ago and told me to start taking violin lessons, that I was miserable because I didn't have anything useful to do. I couldn't have heard God's voice any clearer that day if He had come down and did all kinds of miracles. This time He didn't have to be so forceful because I'd learned how to listen to Him.

Here is what I heard: It takes a lot of little things.

I'm alive and Walter is dead because of a lot of little things. My mom bought me Hardy Boy books and I learned to love reading. My ex-wife told me about a book that Oprah was recommending. A janitor in college told me I should go to the prayer meetings at the Catholic Center. I had two really bad bosses so I had to start my own business to keep my sanity. There are a million "events" in our lives that make us who we are and determine who we become.

The lesson in all this for me is that each day I have an opportunity, no, more than an opportunity, a responsibility, to make my life more meaningful. There is not going to be one big thing that turns my world around. It is all the little choices I make every minute of every day. Brick by brick we build the people that we are.

It's funny because I was never one who could cram for an exam at the last minute or stay up all night writing that paper. I always did it a little each day. I always thought it was because I have ADD or something. No, it's living life one minute at a time, taking one little step towards heaven. Don't bother buying that lottery ticket. Plant a seed, now, right now. And grow.

Walter, I know you're reading this...I love ya and miss ya. I'll see you next time around, we'll do it differently.

The Value of Being Curious

2008-05-19T06:33:00.002-04:00

I am on the plane returning home from Viet Nam and we hit turbulence. It's bad and it doesn't stop. I hate flying, the thought of being five miles above the earth in a tin bus with wings is unsettling. I sweat even when there is a light chop. I try not to think about dying at times like this.

But this time I tried something I've learned from reading Eckhart Tolle. I started observing myself, saying, "Oh, look, I'm scared. My heart is beating faster. I think I'm going to die." I made myself curious about what I was feeling. And a funny thing happened. While I was observing myself, the fear went away.

Maybe my mind was too busy being curious to allow scary thoughts. But that doesn't seem to be enough of a reason. I think it was objectifying of the situation, the separating of the me from the I. There was the I that was looking at the my fear. At that point I stopped being fear and started looking at it as something outside of myself. And the fear just dissolved.

I tried that yesterday when I had a craving to buy a steak and onion sandwich from D'Angelo's. Instead of resisting the urge, which I usually would do to no avail, I allowed myself to feel the wanting and look at it. I didn't push the idea away, I accepted it and let it be there. I looked at the desire as an object, separate from myself. Not fighting it. The inner emotion of wanting seemed to dissolve. I ended up making a large salad instead.

Wouldn't it be a wonderful thing if we could lose our fears and cravings simply by accepting them, looking at them, making friends with them. I think we can.

The American War

2008-04-15T22:14:00.003-04:00

In America we called it The Viet Nam War. In Viet Nam they call it the American War. Isn't that a matter of perspective? America's role in the war cost millions of Vietnamese lives. And yet, here I am in Viet Nam welcomed like a brother. America liberated the French in World War Two. And yet, when I have gone to France I have always felt like an unwanted intruder.

My experience of the French is that they are not a very happy people. And the Vietnamese are just the opposite. I wonder if it has anything to do with war. I wonder if it has anything to do with autonomy. I wonder if we should let people take care of themselves, both as nations and as individuals.

In my training as a therapist we are taught not to give clients answers, but give them the tools to find the answers themselves. Wouldn't the world, our country, our towns, our homes, our places of work, our schools, be much better off if we all could be more therapeutic?

How Do I Know I'm Not My Body?

2008-03-30T06:11:00.005-04:00

I woke up this morning and started doing my meditation where I ask myself who am I? I have a body, but I'm not my body. I have thoughts, but I'm not my thoughts. Etc. Then, so who am I? Ending with I am awareness, I am the space in which my body, thoughts, etc., arise.

I thought all of this is good, but how do I know I'm not my body? Maybe I am and all this is just fooling myself. So I began to think how could I know that I'm not really my body. Well, if I were to have my finger cut off, would I be any less of who I am? No, not at all. I would still be me totally. What if I lost my arm. No, I would miss my arm and feel really, really bad, but I'd still be me.

What if I lost both arms and legs? Now I'd feel really shitty, but, yes, I would still be totally me.

What if they could remove all my body except my head, put me on some kind of life support system, would I still be me? Of course, I'd have my thoughts, feelings, etc. I would still be totally me.

Then what if they removed my face, mouth, ears? What if all that was left of me was my brain? Would I still be me. Yeah, but it wouldn't be a lot of fun. What would I do but think?

Okay, what if then they started cutting off pieces of my brain? Well, then I might have trouble thinking about certain things, but I'd still be me. How far would they have to go before I couldn't think at all? And at what point would I not be me?

If I had lost my body and nearly all my brain, I guess losing a little more brain wouldn't matter, I'd still be me. When you put it this way, I really have to say, I'm not my body. I'm something very different from the flesh and bones that carry me around.

If I'm not my body, who am I?

I'm awareness. I'm the space that allows my body, my thoughts, my feelings, emotions, desires, to arise. I'm consciousness.

A New Earth

2008-03-27T07:07:00.003-04:00

Reading has always been my preferred mode of learning. And I read a lot. Recently that has changed.

I am desperately trying to learn new recipes for preparing raw meals. I've got about a half dozen cookbooks, but I was getting nowhere until I borrowed a DVD from my daughter Gina. The DVD was a demonstration about making raw food dishes by Alissa Cohen. Something happened to me watching the video. It wasn't just seeing it done, somewhere deeper than my intellect I knew that I could do this. And I did. I'm making raw food dishes all over the place now.

At about the same time this was happening I started watching the online classes that Ekhart Tolle and Oprah have been doing on Tolle's new book, A New Earth. Now, I've read his first book, The Power of Now, about six times, one page at a sitting, slowly, meditatively. It has been an important part of my personal developmental process.

Watching Ekhart and Oprah exchange ideas about the book is having an impact on me far greater than just reading. I'm not sure why. Maybe seeing, like watching the cooking DVD, is bringing the information to a deeper level. Maybe the seeing bypasses the mind and thinking process and gets us at our core selves. Whatever it is, Tolle's teachings are having a much more profound affect on me than his books. If this is the case universally, then the human race is in for an exciting ride in the near future because what Oprah is doing with this live web cast is only just the beginning. As it is, almost anything you want to see is now available on YouTube. And it is only going to get bigger and bigger. Yes, folks, there is a new earth coming.

It is probably no coincidence that I just bought my first webcam for my computer. Now I use Skype to call to my son in New York and Mike in Tortolla. Seeing them live on the screen is so much better than just hearing them. Now using a regular phone seems so...boring. Maybe it will be that way someday with learning. It will be common to involve all of our senses. I think we as a race are evolving past the mind stage, becoming more holistic and using our deeper selves to comprehend new worlds.

By the way, if you are not watching the classes that Oprah has put on line with Ekhart Tolle, you are missing something really important. Don't get left behind. Go to Oprah.com and download the classes there for free. You don't have to have read the book to get a lot out of it. For me, my life has already changed and I've only seen the first two and a half shows. I keep saying to myself, "oh, I get it now." The result is that I am definitely living my daily life now at a more conscious level. Something happens and I go right to being aware of what is happening instead of getting caught up in it. I love it! Makes life a lot more enjoyable.

In The Shadow of the Volcano

2008-02-29T09:18:00.002-05:00

I am staying here in Nicaragua for four weeks. I run five miles every morning in the shadow of several active volcanoes. It is hard to miss them and this part of the country is known as the "ring of fire." I enjoy seeing the smoke coming from them. On one, Volcan Telika, I stood on the crater's edge and looked into the smokey abyss. My thoughts today are on the meaningfulness of both the structure of the volcano and the empty hole that I was looking down.

I am reading two books right now that deal with the mind. They seem to be saying the complete opposite of each other. One says that we need to use the mind to improve our lives. The other says that the mind and all its activity causes us to miss our real lives. So which is right? Makes me think of the volcano. What makes the volcano? The large cone or the empty hole that the cone forms? Seems to me you can't have one without the other. I guess that's my holistic perspective at work.

Our lives are much better when we use our thoughts to mold our perspective on what is happening to us. After all, we need to use our minds to have a holistic perspective on life. We can use our minds to find the good in things that at first appear bad. We can focus on improving our lives, being loving and kind, we even use our minds to meditate.

At the same time we need the emptiness of the volcano's cone. We need that vast space where we cannot see what will happen next. We need the adventure and even danger that the gases bring up from deep within. That is where we can find our creativity, our energy, our source of strength.

I think our lives require us to make space for space, to quiet our thoughts and be with that darkness of not knowing for a while every day. I think then we will find that we can use our minds in a much more productive and helpful way.

When I stood at the crater's edge I was scared. My mind threw out thoughts like...suppose the ledge gives way, what a way to die! And another thought...how freaking beautiful all of this is! And then I just stood there, not thinking, standing in awe, taking it all in to somewhere deep inside of me. We need to stand at the crater's edge of our lives and take it all in, as often as we can. I want to use my mind and I want to use my stilled mind. I want my life to have the strong structure of the volcano and I want to pull out from the depths of the earth all the molten goop that simmers down below. It begins to sound like the shadows of our unconscious...and that might be a good thing.

Success requires living moment by moment

2008-02-13T06:03:00.004-05:00

Sitting in my hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand, I recently had some time to reflect on things after spending five weeks in Southeast Asia. I was thinking about how easy it was to forget about being self-aware, being conscious, living on purpose. I barely took the time to mediate and make healthy food choices. Why? This is what I wrote:

"If we want to live the lives that we dream of we must be diligent. It requires almost constant attention to our thoughts and choices. We can't expect to succeed in life and living if we do not every moment be aware of what we are doing and thinking. Moment by moment we shape our lives, our bodies, our emotions. Not day by day, or week by week, but moment by moment. We must be conscious of what we are doing and thinking.

"There are tricks and skills that can be learned to help this happen. No universal skills, each of us have our own personal preferences that work best for ourselves. For me, I get inspired by books. The more I read, the more they remind me of what I can do and be. It doesn't require long hours of reading, in fact, many short readings work best. I am also motivated and helped to stay on track by talking to other people and hearing what they do."

So, tomorrow I leave for Nicaragua. I am determined to eat raw foods and avoid dead animals. I realize that it is not going to happen on its own, I have to make the effort. I have to make my life in reality what I have determined in my mind what I would like it to be. It is one thing to know what to do, it is another to do it. I know that I have relied for too long on my mind to get things done. Knowing is not enough. I believe I have to enlist my emotions now, which brings me back to having a holistic perspective. To live life fully it requires using our body, mind, emotions, and spirit. The next four weeks will be a test.

By the way, if anyone is interested, my second book Spanish Lessons: A Midlife Adventure in Search of Meaning is available on Amazon. If you do read it please post a review on Amazon.

Happy New Year! Who Am I?

2008-01-01T07:08:00.000-05:00

The first morning of 2008. I woke up and after missing a few days of meditation began the "Who am I?" mindfulness meditation from my bed. It goes like this:

Clouds come and go. I have a body, but I am not my body. Breathe.

I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts. Thoughts come and go. Breathe.

I have emotions and feelings, but I am not my emotions and feelings. They come and go. Breathe.

I have memories, but I am not my memories. Breathe.

Who am I? Breathe. Be still for a while.

If you do this right there is a space and in that space you get a glimpse of who you really are. This morning in that space I understood that I am a learner, a student here on this planet, in this body, having these thoughts and emotions, learning lessons. I am happiest when I am learning, growing, moving.

I am not any of the things I think I am when I am not being aware. In my normal consciousness I am a walking body full of desires and wants forever trying to find food, pleasure, comforts, something to keep me busy. But, when I make the slightest movement to pay attention, to become conscious of my self, my true self, something else happens, I see what really is. The wants and desires fall away and I see my true passion, my true purpose in life.

It's a new year. I'm going to be more aware in 2008. I'm going to breathe and remember who I am.

What I Learned in Nicaragua

2007-12-13T07:06:00.000-05:00

This is what I learned in Nicaragua:

It doesn't matter what is going on or where we are, our lives provide us with the experiences we need to grow. No need to want or avoid, it is all the same.

I had five weeks to do nothing but learn Spanish, read, and reflect. I spent a lot of time walking the beach, trying to listen to what the Universe wanted to tell me. With enough time I did become quiet enough to here something important. A couple of ideas kept popping up.

It's all grist for the mill.

Ram Dass wrote a book with that title, but the phrase actually goes back to a sermon from the 16th century. The idea is that everything is life can be useful. There is no good and bad happening to us, it can all be used for the good.

My Spanish teacher is a Jehovah's Witness. He liked to read the Bible to me in Spanish. This lead me to read to him my favorite Bible passage, Romans 8:

For to those who love God, all things work for the good.

What does all this mean to me? It's this, it really doesn't matter where we live, what we own, who we are, we have to live life. We exist, we have a life to live, and I believe, lessons to learn while we are in this human body. We spend too much time trying to make ourselves happy and more comfortable. That is to miss the point of being human.

It was a shock to arrive in Nicaragua and start taking cold water showers. Then I had to deal with the heat, humidity, and mosquitos. I had avoid stepping in pig shit when walking in the street. I didn't have a refrigerator so I had to buy my fruit every other day. There was no television, nothing at all to do after 7 pm, no movies, no appliances. All the conviences were gone. Yet, within a week or two, it really didn't matter. I'd adjusted.

Then I was invited into several of the homes in Leon. Essentially, they have roofs over their heads and little more. Yet, they were living their lives just like we do, except they didn't have our conviences. (Although the kids do have tv's and sony play stations.)

I guess what I learned was that it is not our living situation that matters. We can adjust to all kinds of things that we think we couldn't. In America we worry more about the little things than the Nicaraguans worry about the big things.

So, being here in my nice warm house on this cold overcast day, all these wonderful things that surround me do not mean as much to me as they did before this trip. Now I know that it is not the things in life that make for happiness. Life is not about happiness. Or security. I'm not exactly sure what life is about at all. If anything, life seems more like a journey or a process, and not something that you can point to and say, "ah, this is life." The longer I live the more I realize that:

"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be lived." Kierkegaard

So here is the deal: I want to go back there. I'd like to live there at least part of the year. Why? Not because Nicaraguans are nicer or better people, people everywhere are the same, it's that it is easier to live with people and really enjoy life when there are not so many "things" to get in the way. Our life styles, our toys, our possessions, take away our lives. I already miss talking to the fruit lady, the coconut woman, the beach kids selling sea shells, Tio Toro asking me for money to buy "Ron" (rum), drinking beer with crazy old Perry, Juan trying to convert me into a Jehova Witness, and Ana Francis trying to say "George Bush."

To read my travel blogs from Nicaragua go to:

http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog/francesco0/
nicaragua_again/tpod.html

You may have to cut and paste the url in two steps.

Perspectives on a Poor (Financially) Country

2007-12-12T07:14:00.000-05:00

I arrived home late last night after being in Nicaragua for five weeks. My reason for the trip: to study Spanish, reflect, and learn. And I wanted to escape the dreary New England end of fall.

In the past when I travel I am happy to be home. Most of the time traveling is more of a chore than a vacation for me. I miss my family, my home, my routines. This trip was different. I stayed in one place and became part of a village and a city. I got to know people, their homes, their jobs or lack of jobs, their struggles. This is the first time that I have come home wondering where home really is.

I spent my time between Leon (Nicaragua's liberal, radical, university city) and Las Penitas (a poor seaside fishing village thirty minutes away). There is no hot water in either of these places (except hotels for foreigners). There are only curtains for doors. No glass for windows. No air conditioning. And in Las Penitas, no sewers.

That being said, the influence of American business and advertising is insidious. While many cannot afford to buy fruit and vegetables, they do consume plenty of Coca Cola. Their diets consist mostly of rice and beans. All but the very poor have cell phones, which they are always playing with (text messaging and music). And every kid I met in Leon had a Sony Play Station.

So, why have I come home feeling so unlike myself? I think it is that the country of Nicaragua got under my skin. My friend Perry, a crop-duster from Louisiana who lives there half the year, says that Nicaragua is like California one-hundred years ago. There is a sense of the wild west, a country that hasn't found itself yet. You can't even buy land securely because after the revolution, the Sandinistas took land from the rich and just gave it away without any titles or legal documents drawn up. It is like the old west here. In fact, I was told that up until five years ago everyone carried hand guns.

That being said, Nicaragua is the safest country in Central America. And the people, while struggling with their economic challenges, have a kindness about them that certainly made me feel a welcome part of their lives in the short time that I lived with them. Something about the way they carry themselves, kind of a humble pride, that is so appealing, makes me want to be a part of their unfolding future.

So here I am back in America where I can buy my organic fruits and vegetables at Whole Foods, I can entertain myself with movies and Internet searches, I'll run on the tread mill tomorrow instead of through dirt streets and dust filled with particles of animal waste. Why does it appear to me that those people in Nicaragua have so much more than we do? Why when I compare our lives to theirs, theirs seem so richer, colorful, so much more alive?

I don't know where I am going with this, except that I feel drawn to go back there and experience more of whatever it is they have that we don't. I am sure this isn't for everyone, but I hear the call to "go West young man." Alright, it isn't West and I'm not young, but complacency is for cows, not cowboys.

But before I head West I am heading East. January third I'm off to Thailand for five weeks. We'll see what this mostly Buddhist country has to teach me. I admit I'm a little nervous and that going to Asia is definitely out of my comfort zone.

Leaving the Comfort Zone

2007-11-05T05:52:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I begin my winter traveling. I'll be in Nicaragua for five weeks, come home for the holidays, and then leave for Thailand. While this may sound like a great way to get out of the cold New England winter, if you know me, this isn't as much fun as it sounds.

I have spent the better part of the last three winters traveling. Each time I go somewhere I struggle with being away from home. I miss my family and friends, my routine, my house, my food, my bed. I complain about everything. So why do I go? I don't have a choice.

I have to leave home and put myself somewhere where I do not know what will happen. Maybe I just like surprises. I stay in hostels or cheap hotels, I usually go to third world countries because I like the people there. I go to places that are warm and not far from the ocean. And I promise you, the next blog you get from me I will probably be complaining that I am terribly lonely and want to come home.

If I am lucky I'll last the five weeks and not come home early. Whatever happens I will receive a few good life lessons and my life will be richer as a result of leaving the comfort zone of my home.

If all goes well I'll spend the next five weeks studying Spanish, learning how to salsa dance, writing, reading, and discovering new things about myself. I guess I better start packing my bags.

Morning meditation: "Transformation is through the body, not away from it." Eckhart Tolle

This reminds me that if I can focus on my breath, be in the moment, I will continue to grow. You would think that growth would come from abandoning the body, but that is just not the case.

Life's a Suspense Novel

2007-10-27T07:13:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning thinking that I would like my life to be more exciting than it is. In other words, I wanted some drama. Then the thought came to me that I probably wouldn't have to wait too long because looking back on my life I've had plenty of drama and excitement.

The comparison to a novel came to mind. My life is a suspense novel. Right now there is a lull in the action, but that doesn't mean that important things are not happening. While I want to hurry up and turn the page, the writer of my life is developing character, characters, setting scenes, adding textures.

I think I'll try to enjoy the suspense of not knowing what will happen next. Why not, if my life were a book I'd be totally into the thrill and drama of not knowing what is going to happen. Instead of being in a rush to turn the page, I could enjoy the detail of the page I'm reading now. Soon enough a new character will appear, a new problem to be solved, who knows what danger lurks around the next corner? Might as well snuggle up with the book and enjoy the ride.

Before going to bed last night I read this in A Course in Miracles:

Heaven itself is reached with empty hands and open minds, which come with nothing to find everything.

Holistic vs. Reductionism

2007-10-23T14:47:00.000-04:00

I'm reading a great book on the relationship between diet and disease, The China Study, by T. Colin Campbell. In one chapter he discusses his experience as a research scientist involved in understanding the connection between the food populations consume and illnesses. His work goes as far back as the late 1970's. Some of what goes on behind the scenes is fascinating.

Dr. Campbell was asked to serve on the Public Nutrition Information Committee in 1979. This was organized within the Federation of American Societies for Experimental Biology and Medicine. One of the responsibilities of the committee was to "decide what is sound nutritional advice to give to the public." The intention was to identify nutrition quackery. Campbell was the only member of that committee not to have ties to food and drug companies. The others "earned" consulting fees from various animal foods companies. After two meetings Dr. Campbell was asked to leave.

A few years later Campbell was asked to become part of the American Institute for Cancer Research. At the time there was research linking diet and cancer. However, this research was a threat to too many people. The US government even got involved and did everything they could to quash this information. Essentially, they were attacking a nonprofit organization doing cancer research. Turns out that the American Cancer Society even went after them. They did not like anyone competing with them for funds and they did not want to shift the focus of research away from medical treatment and towards a more healthy diet.

Campbell learned that the medical establishment is "in the business of treating disease with drugs and surgery after the symptoms appear." This is anything but a holistic approach. Scientific reductionism happens when the focus turns to individual nutrients instead of whole foods. Billions of dollars were spent looking at the effects of fat or individual vitamins, when they should have been looking at whole systems. It does not help to isolate chemicals and food components, taking the results out of context.

The China Study takes information from whole populations with the same genetic background and demonstrates that cancer is due to environmental and lifestyle (diet) factors. John Robbins, in his book Healthy At 100, takes a similar approach when he writes about the Hunza in Central Asia, the Abkhasia in Russia, and the Japanese of Okinawa. These people regularly live to be 100. What is it about their cultures that make them so healthy? Do you think it is a low fat diet? Or they take vitamin C pills? The answer is to be found in the whole, not the parts.

Healing Requires Forgiveness

2007-10-10T06:47:00.000-04:00

I again woke up in the middle of the night to a voice, or maybe it was just a persistent thought. "You got the idea of healing right, now understand that healing requires that you forgive. Forgive yourself, forgive everyone that you need to forgive. Not that they need forgiveness, you need to forgive for yourself."

There is not much to add to that. This just pounds home the idea that for me right now I have to pay attention to my emotions and heart, the learning and intellectual stuff takes care of itself. Learning means nothing if I can't be healed, if I can't forgive.

The voice, or thought continued that "every time you feel unease about some person say, 'I choose to be healed, I forgive.'"

It's About Healing, Not About Understanding

2007-10-09T19:29:00.001-04:00

I've had a bit of a breakthrough last night and this morning. I had been asking for more understanding, more explanation, more reasons for this and that. Tell me, show me, I want to understand what is going on.

I'm being aware. This can't be bad.

Suddenly last night in bed, I think it was in the middle of the night and I had awakened, I realized that it is not about having the universe and my place in it explained and made understandable. It's about healing. My life isn't about getting more knowledge and information. My life is about healing. And right then and there I knew something shifted.

So this morning and today when I felt myself feel anxious about wanting to understand my life, immediately came the thought: "ask to be healed instead." Up until last night I thought the purpose of life was to learn, now I understand it as to be healed. That changes my perspective on things.

The Push to Go Deeper

2007-10-06T07:02:00.000-04:00

Since I returned from Denmark I have had this constant "uneasiness" hanging around me. Almost like the flu, symptoms of concern, not quite really happy, persistent thoughts about things I don't want to think about, all colored with a touch of sadness. All of this has made me spend more time reading my "spiritual consolation and direction" type books for...well, consolation. And, I've made an effort to meditate and reflect more on what is going on.

While meditating this morning I asked the question: what was the purpose of my trip to Denmark and why am I so out of whack since then? And the answer came clear as a bell: "It's time to learn how to go deeper, become stronger, develop better strengths, so that when things don't go so well you will be able to keep your spiritual perspective, and not let your compass get totally screwed up just because you hit a strong magnetic force. You need to learn how to navigate by the stars!"

It seems like an awful lot of work for such a simple lesson, but I guess God doesn't care all that much about money and expenses as long as we get the message. So, basically, I get it: My little compass has gotten me this far, and that's good. But, it is subject to malfunction in the presence of tough situations and rough seas. I need a back up. A compass to me implies an external aid, where learning to navigate by the stars is all about learning how to travel relying on...God? Is that what this is leading to? Did somebody trick me?

Back to A Course In Miracles: "Be happy, and you gave the power of decision to Him Who must decide for God for you." Fine, I'll do that, but I'm going kicking and screaming. Couldn't we just use GPS and leave God out of this? I'd rather rely on electronics...okay, I take that back, that's what got me here in the first place.

Therapy

2007-10-04T16:49:00.000-04:00

So, I went to my therapist today and got a clean bill of health...mental health, that is. I like working with Jenny, I try to be as honest as I can and I get to find out if I'm still, as we sailors say, "between the buoys."

We discussed a situation in my life, and I knew going in not to expect any answers. That is not what therapy is about. For me, it is a chance to discuss my life and listen to another person's perspective. It helps me to see some things that I might overlook because I am either too close or maybe I don't want to see.

So, here's the deal. I am like the trapeze guy who's between bars. I can either hurry and grab onto the next one, or live in the space between for a while. I feel safe enough to stay in the space. I've learned that grabbing doesn't work in the long run.

Nothing says it all better than this from A Course In Miracles (the book I turn to when I really need help): "All that is asked of you is to make room for truth. You are not asked to make or do what lies beyond your understanding. All you are asked to do is let it in; only to stop your interference with what will happen of itself."

Can anything be better than this: a great therapist and a book that speaks directly to your heart?

Purpose, meaning, and goals

2007-10-02T07:43:00.000-04:00

Since I returned from Denmark I have been in a bit of a funk. Not depressed or anything, but generally having a feeling of sadness. The good thing is that I've learned that when I feel like this it is best to spend more time reflecting and becoming more aware of what is going on. And when things get really painful I pick up my copy of A Course In Miracles. I can always count on that to go right to the heart of the matter. I did that on Sunday.

In the workbook, Lesson 25, I read: "I do not know what anything is for." Sound familiar? And: "Purpose is meaning. Everything is for your own best interests. That is what it is for; that is its purpose; that is what it means." I am reminded of Richard Bach when he writes: "Some of the best things that happened to me turned out to be the worst, and some of the worst things that happened to me turned out to be the best."

It's a struggle as usual, but in the pain I at least feel peace. I can live with that and even be happy about it. And somewhere in the purpose of all this is meaning.

Near the end of the lesson: "It is crucial to your learning to be willing to give up the goals you have established for everything."

I am willing. After all, I don't know what anything is for.

You know, life does give us plenty of challenges, but we are always given the choice...the easy way or the hard way. Letting go is the easy way, having to do it our way is the hard way. I'm letting go.

Going Deeper

2007-09-28T06:59:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if it is because I read to much, or it's my imagination, or maybe it is God pushing. But, here we go again. I am being "encouraged" to go deeper into some kind of awareness. No, encouraged isn't strong enough. I'm definitely being pushed, as in not having a choice. I'd like to yell back, "can you just leave me alone and let me do what I'm doing." But, no, now I have to be more aware. Aware of what?

I envy people who can get up in the morning, wash up, eat a normal breakfast, go to work, come home at night, have dinner, watch a little TV, and go to bed without ever having to think about anything any deeper than, "Would you like paper or plastic?" For some idiotic reason, ever since my first year in college, having that Quaker English professor who insisted on us asking questions about our values, the meaning of life, etc., I have had to dig deep into whatever it is that lies underneath our daily, normal, waking, existing, lives.

Now it's about becoming more self-aware. I can't just do things. I have to be more aware of what I am doing, and I have to be doing it for the sake of itself, not because I am trying to get somewhere. Are you following me? We are talking mindfulness . Vietnamese monk Thich NhatHanh says: "Washing the dishes to wash the dishes." Well, why else wash the dishes? I know, it's a clever way of saying be mindful, don't wash them thinking about what you are going to do next. And I guess that is what this is all about. Being with what is happening in the moment and stop living in the past or the future. I guess when you put it that way, going deeper isn't so bad or dumb.

Fine, so the new thing I am being pushed towards is being more present in the things I have to do every day, all day. That sounds a lot easier than being more aware. Although, I guess being present is being aware.

Maybe I just like to argue with God just because I like to argue. Well...I gotta go wash the dishes.

...just finished the dishes.

By the way, my book Holistic Perspectives, is listed on Amazon with a really good discount. Last time I checked they were selling it for only $13.57. You can see the listing by clicking on the amazon link on this blog.

Lessons From Denmark

2007-09-21T03:20:00.000-04:00

There is a teaching in Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now that talks about the difference between working toward a goal and being excessively focused on that goal because you think that goal will bring you happiness, fulfillment, and a better sense of self. It is a good thing to have goals. In going to Denmark I had certain expectations, hoping for certain things to happen. They didn't.

I spent a lot of time wondering, actually begging the Universe to explain to me why I made such a long and difficult trip and investment if there was nothing to be gotten from it. I've been to Denmark before, it is a beautiful country, but not as pretty as New England in September.

I got all kinds of answers from "it was a mistake" to "next time you'll know better." In the end though, they weren't really answers at all. I've learned that I really don't know very much. And worse, as our brilliant vice-president points out, "we don't know what we don't know." That has more wisdom in it than any thing any politician has said in recent memory. We don't know what we don't know.

All of this thinking that we know what we don't know leads to being pretty miserable. Sometimes, maybe all the time, it is best to not be so attached to what we think we want. When I e-mailed my friend Mike Ryan telling him of the situation he replied: "Dude, you aren't meditating, are you? I can always tell. Go do it now. Do the one on how the root of all unhappiness is desire...You need to let go."

I did follow his advice about meditating, but I didn't do it on desire and letting go. I did it on what I thought I wanted. Am I not an idiot or what? I meditated on getting what I wanted. How stupid is that? I thought I knew what outcome would be best, so I thought I was being holistic, having a holistic perspective. I was having my own, limited perspective, is what I was having.

Tolle says that when we do that our life's journey is no longer an adventure, just an obsessive need to arrive. No longer an adventure. An obsessive need to arrive. I want my life to be an adventure. It is hard to let go, but that is the only way I will allow my life to have mystery, suspense, surprise, excitement. I want that.

We can't have it our way AND have adventure. If we did control everything that happens to us, our lives would become boring so quickly. Geez, the Red Sox would win the World Series every year. What fun would that be?

So, I'm back home in Rhode Island doing my best to do what Michael told me to do. I am going to let go and see what happens. I'll live with the not knowing. And even though it is hard not to get your own way, that is the price you pay to have the kind of quality life that I truly want to build and grow into. This letting go does feel a lot better than trying to make the world be the way I envision it should be. There is a deep sense of peace.

Poisoned in Denmark

2007-09-18T12:48:00.000-04:00

So, I have been making fruit smoothies every morning like I usually do. Today I ran my five miles and Helen, my host here in Denmark, had them waiting when I got back. "I've used lots of elderberries that I picked by the road." She was looking so proud of her work.

I had two full glasses. A short while later I began to feel nauseous. Maybe it was just the stress of being in Denmark. Then I had to run to the bathroom with diarrhea. As we started to get in the car to go to the University I had to stop. I threw up my breakfast there on the driveway. Not long after Helen lost hers into the toilet.

That felt better so we left for her school. Half way there I felt cramps but thought I could hold it. They got worse and I asked Helen to find the nearest station. I didn't make it. Not a lot of fun washing your pants in a public bathroom, standing there in your shoes and shirt.

It turns out that elderberries contain cyanide, cooking them destroys it but raw ones are mildly poisonous. Next time someone offers me a fruit smoothie I'll check out the ingredients.

I've never been poisoned before. Hard to have a holistic perspective on that.

Magical Music In Denmark

2007-09-17T08:40:00.000-04:00

I do not buy music that was published after the 1970's, other than Bruce Springsteen and a few others. Contemporary music does nothing for me. I am in Denmark this week and my friend Helen played for me a CD of songs that her daughter wrote and sang.

The first time through I listened to her voice and could not believe what I was hearing. I heard Barbara Streisand, Janice Joplin, Shania Twain. And I heard a young woman with soul and unearthly passion.

Then I listened a second time. The words and emotions of her singing took me by surprise and I had to hold back my tears, just barely. The third, fourth, and fifth times, I just cried. All I could think of was that I wanted to be involved in making a musical documentary about her message. I am still trying to make sense of all this.

Her name is Freja Eriksen.

Go to www.myspace.com/frejaeriksen and download "The Spring," listen to it twice and be prepared to be blown away. If the thought that the trees will stop breathing, and the sun will be gone cold, and birds not singing, and that we are the spring on hold...if that does not get to you...you may be dead.

Holistic Perspectives & Integral Theory Published

2007-09-13T07:34:00.000-04:00

A couple of years ago I decided to write a book on holistic perspectives and integral theory because:

1. I couldn't find a book that explained what holistic is. There were books on holistic medicine and nursing and business, but none that actually dealt exclusively with what a holistic perspective is.

2. Integral theory is a very important method for understanding our world and seeing what is, but often books about it are difficult to understand. I wanted to write about integral theory in a way that would make it easily grasped.

So, here it is--now available on Amazon.com. I suggest that before you spend any money, go to holistic-perspectives.com and read as much of it as you like. In fact, if you are short of funds, the whole book is available on line.

I totally enjoyed the process of researching and writing the book. I did my dissertation (which is also available on Amazon) on Ken Wilber's work and this is an extension of what I learned in the process.

While writing Perspectives I was also working on another book, Spanish Lessons, which should also be available in about a month. It's not really so much about Spanish as it is about what happens when you don't have to work, but can't stand hanging out doing nothing. As some of you know, the last three winters I have been traveling around the world taking Spanish lessons, but what I really have learned has more to do with the meaning of life and finding passion again. In the end I did find it and it's all in the book.

I'm off to Denmark tomorrow. Who knows what will happen there?

Nirvana?

2007-09-05T07:04:00.000-04:00

The world may be round, but it sure feels flat. Everything I do, especially walking, I do as if the world were flat. If I hadn't seen pictures of the planet from space I'd have a hard time believing in a round world.

My experience of my self sure feels like I'm an individual self. I mean, I'm me, you are you, and everybody else is who they are, separate selves. If I had not experienced for my self, one time during meditation, that my separate self is an illusion and that I am only a manifestation of some larger all-inclusive self, I would still believe that I am just little old me and nothing else.

Nirvana has been defined as a breakthrough in consciousness in which one never thinks of oneself as a separate self again. It is never seeing the world as flat anymore. All it takes is that one experience. Often when I mediate I recall that awareness of being one with all consciousness and I remember who I really am. I experience the universe as an organic whole, of which I am a part. Subject-object duality is seen for what it is--an illusion.

By the way, the picture on the side is of the equator in Ecuador. The yellow line is the equator itself.

Michael Vick and the Question of Animal Cruelty

2007-08-31T10:01:00.000-04:00

How interesting. Did you notice how many people are enraged at Michael Vick? That is a pretty horrible thing, dogfighting. Animal cruelty. So how many years should he get in jail, how much should it cost him? Looks like he will lose at least $100,000,000 of his football contract.

I don't think anyone reading this blog would accept what he did as morally acceptable. Now, I have to ask you: when was the last time you had eggs, or milk, or chicken, or pork, or beef, or fish? If you read the book The Way We Eat: Why Our Food Choices Matter, by Peter Singer and Jim Mason, you will realize that if you are eating these animal products, you might want to place yourself in the same moral category as Michael Vick, because your food choices are producing as much and more animal suffering.

Unfortunately, most of us will utilize the psychological tools called denial and rationalization to avoid confronting this unpleasant fact.

I am not telling anyone to become a vegan tomorrow, just asking you to think about it. If Michael Vick disgusts us, maybe it's time to look at our own actions.

I haven't reached the point where I can avoid all animal products myself, but I am no longer in denial either, as regards to what I am doing. When I make my green smoothie in a few minutes I will be taking one big step along the way to making that change. You would be very surprised how good kale and watermelon can taste after a few minutes in the Vita Mixer.

Best Day Ever!

2007-08-28T07:32:00.000-04:00

The best day ever! That is David Wolfe's promise when we eat raw foods. I attended his seminar in New Hampshire this weekend with Gina, Steven, and Cathy, and I am more convinced than ever that a raw food diet is the way to a healthier, happier life. If David Wolfe is any indication of the energy one can get from being a raw-foodist, I am going there. He has more energy than any person I have ever come across. I'm talking back to back three hour lectures without stopping for a breath.

This is what I learned:

Consuming raw food will eliminate just about any health problem you can think of, including cancer, heart disease, diabetes, depression, and obesity.
We do this little by little.
We do this by adding raw food to our diet, we are not giving anything up.
Food is our number one relationship to the earth.
We need to be aware what ratio of fats, carbos, and protein in our diet works best for us personally.
Drink about a quart of water on rising to flush out your system.
Drink super food smoothies! This is a big part of the adding element of becoming healthy. Start with a base of water, tea (goji berry or vanilla) , coconut water. Add macha, coconut oil, hemp seed, cacao beans, spirulina, honey, etc. Play with it.
When you start consuming high quality food your body starts telling you what it needs.
Don't try to use willpower.
Put diluted seawater in your garden and fruit trees.
Real spring water is healthy, avoid filtered tap water.
It isn't calcium that makes bones, our body makes calcium from silicon and magnesium.

There you are in a nutshell. (By the way, the cacao nutshell is good to eat.)

So, do you want to be really really healthy? Little by little add the following to your diet:

Fruits (especially berries and the best of these are goji berries)
Vegetables (especially green leafy veggies; salads and smoothies)
Nuts and seeds (especially cacao-raw chocolate)
Minerals (especially from seaweeds like Kelp powder)
Sprouts
Grasses
Herbs
Superfoods (cacao, spirulina, honey, bee pollen, macha, etc.)

Okay, there you have everything you need to have the best day ever! E-mail me if you have any questions about this stuff.

The Pleasure of Meditation

2007-08-11T07:00:00.000-04:00

One of the first things I do every morning is meditate for about 20 minutes. I tell myself that this is the most important thing I will do today. I am trying to add another time to meditate around noon and another later in the day. I want to stay connected to what is real.

Usually I read a passage from Ekhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" to help me get in the mood.

This morning I was feeling how enjoyable it is to meditate. My body was peaceful, as well as my mind. Everything felt calm and pleasurable. But another part of me was pushing to finish up and get on with my day. How strange. Meditation is so enjoyable, but don't we often think of it as something we have to do before we get on with things? Like it's a chore, or a job.

At that moment I realized that there was a part of me, I think it is the mind, that doesn't like it when I meditate. It is the same part of me that wants to eat what makes it feel good, or wants to watch TV and be entertained. The mind wants what it wants (it wants problems and drama), and I don't think it is often what I want. I like the pleasure and the peace of just sitting there, my thoughts (and mind) not cluttering up things.

I am going to pay attention to this part of me that tries to control my life and isn't who "I" really am. There is a deeper, truer Self that knows better what will make my life whole, healthy, and happy. And I think that real Self comes out when I meditate. I'd like to see it also when I make my food choices, when I make choices about what I am going to do with my time.

I'm not going to listen to my mind trick me into believing that meditation is work--hell, it's not work, it is a real pleasure.

Super Food Overdose

2007-08-06T14:23:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I made my green fruit smoothie this morning after having more ice cream than I would have liked to this weekend (thanks mom for the mud pie). I put in everything that I had: kale, mango, melon, frozen banana and blueberries; cacao, maca, flax seeds, agave, spirulina. I'm going to feel really good today, right? Wrong!

Green fruit smoothies are the best first step on a raw food life style; but you gotta use common sense, unlike me. I probably won't be eating anything else today (which is a good thing), but I feel really terrible right now. It is as if my whole body has shut down and is working full-time trying to make sense of all this really good food it just got. Like, "hey, let's not waste this stuff, fellas! Put everything thing else aside and get to work absorbing all these 'superfood' molecules!"

So, I'm home today contemplating how I can do this a little more "smoothly." From now on, one kind of fruit, one kind of superfood (two at most), and more water, along with a little less kale. It'll just take a little longer to get raw.

On a happier note: I've finished putting up my website. Please check it out at holistic-perspectives.com. (Don't forget to put the dash between holistic and perspectives or it doesn't work.) There is also a link to the site on this page over on the left hand side with the other links. I have uploaded all the pages to my book, Holistic Perspectives, if you can't wait to read the whole thing. It's free. Or, you can wait, and in a month or so it will be printed and available on Amazon and I'll send you a copy free, if you ask for one.

I'm gonna go lay down now and digest some more flax seeds.

Ten Miles and Still Raw

2007-07-28T10:33:00.000-04:00

I ran the 10 mile Narragansett Blessing of the Fleet with my daughter Angela yesterday. Like an idiot I thought I could run it faster than I did two years ago. Back then, my first race, I paced myself. Yesterday I ran faster, until I reached the five mile marker and began to get tired. The last half of the race was pure pain in order not to suffer the humiliation of walking.

I had passed Angela, who is a better runner than I am, around the two mile mark. I was dragging along towards the end when she passed me after nine miles. I kept her in sight and within fifty yards of the finish I sprinted to catch up, I did, but she then sprinted away from me. I had to keep sprinting, after nearly ten miles of running, to finish the race right behind her. Like I said, I'm an idiot. I'm paying the price today, sore all over.

The best thing about yesterday, besides running with my beautiful daughter, was that I stayed raw and lost three pounds. I had a green smoothing this morning and feel good, inside at least. Life is good. A little yoga now and I'll be back in ship shape. I am keeping firmly in mind that it is not about having perfect bodily health, but health of body, mind, and spirit.

100% Raw--Finally!

2007-07-26T21:58:00.000-04:00

My daughter Gina and I discussed how she makes green smoothies for earlier in the day and then makes tasty fruit smoothies with cacao and vanilla bean for later in the day. The second smoothie gets her through the tough afternoon cravings (I think that's how she put it). This morning I was desperate and decided that would be my new plan for today. I've been trying everything I can think of.

Just to make sure that I succeeded Gina came this morning and removed all of the bread from my house while I was out running. She didn't need to, the fruit smoothie (with all the extra goodies) worked! Today I finally made it 100% raw.

This may just be a little gift. I had the strong sense today that maybe some of us are not allowed to take perfect care of our bodies if we don't also try to do the same with our minds and souls. If we want to succeed in having a healthy diet for our bodies, maybe we are required to do the same for our thoughts and our spiritual lives, too. It makes sense to me, since we are wholes and not parts. Again, the holistic perspective and approach to living.

I've Been Robbed!

2007-07-26T11:51:00.000-04:00

Be very careful what you tell people. I came home from running today and all of the bread in my house had been stolen. The suspect even left a note on the counter.

Struggling, But Not Discouraged

2007-07-25T20:43:00.000-04:00

In Argentina when they were fighting the British over the Faulkland Islands the newspapers announced everyday, "we are winning, we are winning." Everyday, "we are winning, we are winning!" Then, one day, "we lost."

Everyday I start out to be 100% raw. My morning green smoothie, "we are winning, we are winning." My afternoon salad and veggies, "we are winning, we are winning." My dinner, "we lost."

Today, perfect all day. I am determined to stay raw tonight. I go to the market and buy all the fresh fruit that appeals to me. I come home. Banana. Peach. Almonds. Pumpkin seeds. I'm full. I'm not taking chances, I make and eat an avocado cacao vanilla bean pudding. I can't eat any more.

"Please, just three little pieces of toast, wouldn't you love that right now?" the voice in my head insists. I am not hungry at all, so I make and eat the toast. Whoever said that man is a rational being needs to have his head examined.

Another day, another day not totally raw. This is a real struggle, but I'm not giving up. I am totally convinced that eating raw is one of the most important things we can do to live vibrant lives. The good thing about all of this is that I realize that will power isn't working and so I've resorted to meditation. I'm meditating more in hopes of finding out why I haven't been able to do this yet. And I suspect that the answer itself is to get me to be more mindful, meditative, more aware of my choices and actions.

Tomorrow I will start all over again with a wonderful, refreshing green smoothie. One of these days...we're winning, we're winning, we've won!

Runner's High

2007-07-20T05:55:00.000-04:00

It has been exactly two months since I've gotten serious about changing my diet. During this time, I have for the most part stopped eating animal products and cooked foods. Notice that I didn't say "give up" eating, that would indicate that I was "not" doing something. Instead, my perspective on this is that I am doing something positive--I am eating raw, living food.

The interesting thing is that I do not feel as though I am depriving myself of anything. I will be honest, every so often I do have ice cream. (I know there is a recipe for raw ice cream out there and when I find it...) So, I am losing weight and I feel lighter not only in body, but also in spirit. I don't feel as attached to things anymore.

Goji berries--get 'em! For the last two weeks I've been eating dried goji berries before running in the morning. Goji berries are the most sacred food in Chinese medicine. They are extremely high in protein and have ten times the antioxidants of blueberries. I now eat the berries as a pre-breakfast snack. (My main breakfast is a green smoothie that I have after running, at around 10 am.)

So, yesterday, I am running as usual, and after five miles I decided to keep going. Somewhere between six and seven miles I experienced the most intense runners high I have ever had. Oh, what a feeling! I ended up running eight miles yesterday and I am sure the goji berries had a lot to do with it. This is why I am not worried about becoming totally raw and the perfect vegan: if I just pay attention and keep learning, picking up new ideas, foods, recipes, if I improve a little each week, the process can be fun and painless.

Creating Space

2007-07-13T06:32:00.000-04:00

Every morning, the first thing I do before doing anything is to create space. I sit on the floor, cross-legged, and do my best to empty my mind of things to think about and allow something from beyond me to enter into my life. I say to myself that this is the most important thing I will do all day long.

Most of the time my thoughts are running my life. "I have to do this...remember when...tomorrow I will...wouldn't it be nice...I'm hungry..." It never stops. Who is in control of my life? It's not me, it's my mind. Wouldn't it be nice to shut the damn thing down once in a while? After all, most of what that mind thing is doing is repeating thoughts from a hundred thousand yesterdays.

That's the problem. We never have room in our heads for something new to enter into our lives. I want a little creativity, I want new life in my life--every day!

So every morning I make time to make space to allow something from outside of me (my mind) to come into my life. It is the most important thing I do every day. It is the only way I can open up to more than little old me and allow whatever it is that creates the universe anew each morning into my life, my thoughts, my actions.

I sit and pay attention to my breath. I feel my chest rise and expand, fall and deflate. I feel my body become soft and open. I look out my window and see the leaves on the trees in various shades of green. I become aware of the space in which all of this exists. I allow everything to exist. I am here, now. And it feels really good. And I bring it with me to the next thing I do.

I wonder what would happen if I try making space more than just the first thing in the morning?

Pruning Perspectives

2007-07-03T13:40:00.000-04:00

I have this lemon tree that my Dad gave to me. He grew it from a seed. I've kind of neglected it and it became--rather ugly looking. In fact, after having it for about 10 years, I was about to throw it out. Sorry to see what happened to it. Maybe I could have done a better job tending it.

I'm not sure why, but instead of dumping it I cut back all the dead leaves and branches and put it outside on the porch. There was not much left of the thing but two little surviving shoots. I did not expect the tree to survive.

It's been three weeks now. This morning I counted six new vibrant branches busting out all over the place, one even out of the ground! The thing has a new life--and I'm determined to make this new one better than the old.

Here's the moral of the story--sometimes we gotta cut out the dead parts of our lives in order for the new aspects of ourselves to bust out. We can start over, we can have a second chance. Sometimes loss can be a good thing. And change. But--along with the cutting out we need a little sunshine and water, don't forget the water!

Finding purpose in Life

2007-06-30T16:30:00.000-04:00

We all feel shitty at times. I don't mean physically here, but emotionally. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I realize that there is nothing interesting or exciting to do for the day. It's going to be just a normal, nothing to get excited about kind of day. My first thought is more like a feeling of numbness or "so what?"

I would say that happens a lot, wake up, just a normal day, so what. I don't know if it is from reading good books, or trying hard to be like all of the great people in my life, but then a much better thought comes running calmly into my mind: I am here only to be truly helpful. That saying comes directly from A Course in Miracles. And right then and there it is as if someone flipped a switch on my emotions and I feel myself lift and look a my day from a whole other perspective.

When I am thinking about myself and making myself happier I do not get happier, I either get anxious--as in "what can I do now?"-- or I get depressed if I can't think of anything good to do. I don't know why but more and more, right away I remember that saying from the Course, and the my feelings change immediately. I think that may have a lot to do with me being happier now than at any time in my life--and there is nothing especially exciting going on to cause that.

Another aspect of this is highlighted by research done by UCLA psychologists. They are finding out that when we name our emotions, we calm ourselves down. This is believed to be one of the reasons that meditation is so beneficial. Mindfulness techniques help people to pay attention to what they are feeling, and in noticing these feelings, making them more explicit and aware of what is going on inside, those negative emotions tend to dissolve. Another good reason to take up a meditation practice.

This may be what is happening to me when I become aware of my morning feelings, only I move directly to something positive to fill the empty space of letting go of that emotion. Whatever it is, I plan on keep doing it--I like what is going on.

Asomatognosia: not seeing what is there

2007-06-26T09:01:00.000-04:00

Asomatognosia is a neurological disorder where the patient does not recognize a part of his or her body as their own. For instance, it could be an arm. They see the arm, but don't believe it is theirs. When pointed out that it is attached to their body they would say something like, "You can't always believe what you see." Asomatognosia usually happens when there is damage to a part of the brain.

I am interested in this phenomenon because it involves perception and a particular inability to see what really is. I am hoping to develop a more holistic perspective in myself, but what if I have some kind of asomatognosia and I don't know it. What if there is something in my brain that does not let me see what is really there? And how would I know about it?

People who have this rare condition are convinced that these parts of their bodies are not there and if they are there they do not belong to them. We again have a case where reason is over-ridden by another factor. This time, instead of emotion, it is a brain lesion.

What if there is some kind of brain lesion, and it doesn't have to be a lesion, it could just be the way our brains are constructed, that does not let me see....God, for instance. Or miracles when they happen. Or that what we call coincidences that are really not coincidences at all. What if the whole world is not anything at all like we think it is. We could be living lives just like the mistaken patient!

I bring this up only so that we will consider that maybe the world is not the way we have always perceived it to be. Maybe it is something quite different. For a number of years now I have looked up at the moon and wondered: what a coincidence it is that it is exactly the same size in the sky as the sun, even though it is much smaller. Of course, the reason is that it is much closer to the earth. But still, an interesting coincidence. And I also wonder how it happens that the moon takes the same amount of time to circle the earth as it does to rotate around itself. In other words, its day is exactly equal to its year. That is why the same side faces us all the time. Another interesting coincidence. My question is: is my thought that it is a coincidence just my way of rationalizing (like those patients who have asomatognosia) or is there something weird going on in the sky and I just don't want to admit it?

Do we all suffer from existential asomatognosia?

Knowing and Believing

2007-06-22T07:42:00.000-04:00

The human brain and the mind play tricks on us all the time. Most importantly, they really screw around with what we know, what we know we know, and what we think we know, and what we believe. (For vice-president Dick Chaney it's what we don't know and what we know we don't know.) Often, what we think we know is really only a belief. But, we can, with a little use of the mind, change a belief into a knowing.

What I know comes from my experience. I know that I am a little cold right now. That is not a belief, or a theory, I know it from my experience. I believe that it will be sunny today because the weatherman said so. Let's make this a little more interesting. I have a belief in a God type person, or being, or universal creative force, whatever. Why? Well, I have reasoned this all out, and my mind tells me that some thing, or some one is behind all the order and beauty of the universe.

Now isn't that interesting? My belief comes from a rational thought process.

My belief in this God person, however, does not give me that much consolation. It satisfies one part of my mind that needs to make sense of things, but it does not give me any emotional fulfillment. On the other hand, if I think about something that happened to me about 20 years ago, when I had what you would call a "spiritual" experience, when I felt God do something to me, that I know. I know that I had that experience, I know that it was beyond the physical universe, I know that what happened could only have happened if there were a being outside of the material world that I live in.

So here is a knowing that is actually more meaningful to me than my actual belief. I know I experienced this God event, but I only believe in a God person. What is more powerful, knowing or believing?

Where am I going with all this? The point is that what we know is more dependent on our experiences than on our rational thinking. Example: I have a close friend who does not believe that God can exist. Until she was 20 she believed in God. Then she experienced a terrible tragedy. Because of that event she "knows" that there is no God. How unrational is that? Guess what, we all do that in our own ways. We just do it differently.

The holistic perspective takes all of this into account. Keep in mind that what you know, you know from your experience, and that involves your emotions more than your rational brain. I think I would hold onto all of my "knowledge" a little less tightly. I'd look at my feelings a little more closely. For me, I want to know more than believe. I want to "feel" what it is that I really know. I'm going to spend a little more time (maybe a lot more time) feeling what it is that I know about this God experience. It is better to feel this Creative Intelligence that to believe in It (Him-Her).

Your brain is not a computer--it is hardwired to your emotions. Reason doesn't rule, guess what does.

Always a Struggle

2007-06-14T21:18:00.000-04:00

It's seems like months since I have been trying to eat mostly (80%) raw foods. I can do vegan. I can do breakfast (smoothies) and lunch (salads, nuts, avocados) and feel healthy raw. But I reach for the starches (breads), the fats (butter-like spread), and the sweets (semi-sweet chocolate chips) at dinner-time or evening snack. Sometimes it's worse. And the end result is that even though I am not eating animal products, I've found a way to still put shit into my body!

This is so not easy. I swear to God it is a full-time commitment just eating healthy. I read tonight about a doctor telling the story of a man with elevated cholesterol. The man didn't want to go on statins to lower it and he had a heart attack. The doctor was selling his services--come to my office and let me give you the magic pill.

Of course, first the doctor told the patient to change his eating habits. So, you know what the man did? He stopped putting mayonnaise on his double bacon cheeseburgers. You'd think the doctor would have said that that wasn't really enough. I'd rather give up the crappy food than take the pills. Statins are know to cause liver and muscle damage.

So, tomorrow morning I will, I promise, take out my raw food books, get some inspiration, and eat in a way that honors my body.

(Can you hear the soft fan of my dehydrator making flax seed crackers? They've been drying all day. I wonder how tasty they will be?)

The Whole Story on Dairy Products

2007-06-07T09:36:00.000-04:00

Here are some reasons to avoid dairy:

1. Cheese is a major source of dioxin in our diet (a prominent cause of cancer).

2. Cow's milk is designed to grow calves fast. Foods that promote fast growth cause cancer.

3. While milk itself contains calcium, the acid load from the animal protein can actually produce a negative balance because of loss through excretion. (Eskimos consume huge amounts of calcium from fish bones, but have the highest rates of hip-fracture because of all the animal protein.)

4. Milk produced on factory farms (nearly all milk) comes from cows that live miserable lives, not out in the pastures that the pictures would like us to think.

5. Drinking milk supports the veal industry. Male calves are sent to the veal factory farms. And you know what that means.

6. While fruits and veggies (especially green leafy ones) contain less calcium, our bodies retain more of it than from milk, creating a positive balance. (Populations that do not consume animal products have far lower rates of osteoporosis.)

Excellence in Sports--A Holistic Perspective

2007-06-05T06:43:00.000-04:00

What makes a great athlete great? According to the hosts of the sports talk show on WEEI it is the ability to see the whole field, or the whole court. Talking about how great a basketball player LeBron James is, they pointed out that what made him so great is that he can see the whole playing court, see all that is going on, during the game.

The hosts then pointed out that that was what made Tom Brady, winner of three Super Bowls, such a great quarterback. Brady has the ability to see down the field and comprehend everything that is taking place in front of him. In a sense, it was pointed out, these men were able to slow things down enough to get a hold on what needed to be done.

I thought to myself when I heard this that if that isn't what having a holistic perspective is all about I don't know what is. In life, if we want to be winners, if we want to succeed, if we want to be all that we are meant to be, we must learn from these athletes the value of seeing the whole and not just the parts. We must widen our perspective and strive to see the whole playing field of life. The big question is--how do we do that? The answer has to do with personal development and growth.

Four Days in New York City

2007-06-02T13:47:00.000-04:00

I just spent the last four days in New York City attending the PMA Publishing University Conference. Yikes! People are taking publishing back from the big New York publishing houses and producing books themselves. It is exciting to realize that individuals, even without a lot of financial resources, can get their ideas literally out across the entire planet.

There is no excuse for any writer to be shut out of the world-wide conversation. Books, articles, audio and visual presentations all can be made available either in print, plastic, or on the Internet, without a lot of money. I came away from the conference with a greater understanding of the whole book publishing process: writing, editing, production, and marketing. It all can be done by one person or a small team. So many possibilities, so little time (just kidding, we have the rest of our lives).

From a holistic perspective I must balance my enthusiasm to want to do everything with what I am best suited to do. I want to learn editing, book layout, web design, marketing, how to write better, manage a publishing house, acquire enlightenment...better stop there. Anyhow, I am determined to organize what I have learned and then do what is best for me to do.

Staying healthy in NYC was not as easy as I thought it would be. Instead of a great variety of food options, most of the restaurants repeated the same themes. I am glad to be back home where I can make my own fruit smoothies and salads the way I like them.

Okay, gotta go, lots to do! Power to the people!

Buying Local Food

2007-05-26T05:54:00.000-04:00

The idea of buying our food as close to home sounds like an environmentally friendly and ethical thing to do. After all, we need to support the local farmers, and the transportation of produce over long distances uses up fossil fuels and pollutes the environment.

However, it isn't as simple as that. Sometimes it is better to buy from longer distances. For instance, it uses less energy to buy rice from Asia, even factoring in shipping costs, than to buy it from California...because farming in California is so energy intensive. There are a great deal of products that are better bought imported.

Foods flown in on air freight are the most wasteful, but foods (like fruit from Central or South America) brought in on ships are 10 times more energy efficient than shipped on trucks. So, actually, it can be more responsible to buy oranges from Panama than Florida. You do not have to feel so guilty eating pineapples, bananas, etc. imported anymore, as long as they come in on container ships, which they do.

Another consideration is which farmers do we want to support. Buying locally we may be helping local farmers send their kids to college. Buying from Central America and we may be helping those farmers send their kids to elementary school...and feed and clothe them.

I am leaving out a lot of details, but you get the point. It isn't as simple as we think when it comes to making the best choice of where and what foods to buy. I think the bottom line is to reduce or eliminate animal products as much as possible and consume more fruits and veggies...if we are trying to be more friendly to our planet.

Back on Track

2007-05-25T06:56:00.000-04:00

Okay, after that wonderful dinner, I am back to mostly raw and all vegan. And feeling much better. I sleep so well on an empty stomach.

More than ever I am determined to learn how to eat differently. My sister Joyce was over yesterday and we talked about how hard it is to eat when you try not to eat animals. What is left? Fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds, grains. I do well with my green fruit smoothie for breakfast. I'm satisfied till early afternoon. I then have a salad and snack on fruit till dinner time. But then I am ready for something more substantial and that is where I am struggling. And that is when I go off the raw food.

I'm not giving up. I've moved my food dehydrator off of the living room floor and onto the counter. I shall try some recipes this weekend using it. Let's see how this experiment works.

A Major Setback!

2007-05-23T05:11:00.000-04:00

My dear friends Mark and Gerre invited me over for dinner last night. They just got back from spending three months in Greece and Morocco. Mark is an excellent cook and made a gourmet meal that he got from watching Emeril the night before.

"You don't mind if we serve chicken, do you.?" he asked. "We read all your blogs. Can you have more than just salad?"

"Hey, I'm not going to be rigid about this. I'll eat what you cook."

I love Mark and Gerre. They are just plain good people who can really dance and know how to enjoy life. We have shared some wonderful times together. So, the meal is to die for. Probably one of the best home cooking ever, top five all time. Simple and sweet, cous-cous (or something like that) and grilled chicken and totally tasty. I devoured my share like I hadn't eaten since the beginning of spring. And I had no regrets or guilt. That is until the middle of the night.

Maybe I'm used to sleeping well on my new diet. Last night I paid for the sins of eating meat again. I slept like I had a small bowling ball rolling around in my stomach. What's worse, I gained a pound and a half in one day. I'm still groggy this morning as I write this.

What's a guy to do? I don't believe in being a pain in the ass when invited over for dinner. And I have absolutely no willpower...especially when Mark is cooking!

Well, back on the raw food wagon today.

Living With Raw Food

2007-05-20T07:07:00.000-04:00

I was thinking that maybe I could do this raw food thing. Give me unlimited access to fruits, especially watermelon, pineapple, and bananas, and I'd be fine. Then the third book comes my way, Rainbow Green Live-Food Cuisine, by Gabriel Cousens, M.D. Why does everything have to get more complicated and extreme? I would have been fine with Eat to Live.

Dr. Cousens has been into this live food thing since the seventies and has done more research than he should have. According to Cousens the biggest problem with achieving optimal health is more complicated than just giving up animal products and cooking. The real problem is the toxicity in our blood caused by mycotoxins, which are caused by eating acid-promoting foods, stress, and our bad thoughts. (I can deal with the stress and thoughts, but what about these foods?)

Anyhow, these mycotoxins create all kinds of havoc: suppress the immune system, make bad cholesterol, cause cancer. (Pretty nasty creatures if you ask me.) Actually, the list goes on: depression, anxiety, PMS, fatigue, allergies, weight problems, colds, flu, gas, really bad health. I'm beginning to feel lucky to be alive. Essentially, it's the sugars and acid diet (along with acid thoughts and emotions) that makes the body self-compost. Yuk!! Double Yuk!! Think fungus, mold, and bacteria, giving off waste products, weakening our cells, bringing about disease.

Do you want holistic health? Get rid of foods high in sugar (sweet fruits), most grains, potatoes. There goes my watermelon and pineapple. Grains are high on the list because they are acid-forming and contain mold and fungus from being stored so long. Of course animal foods are off the list too, mostly because animals are fed grains infected with fungus.

Specifically, Dr Cousens warns us against eating sugar (and honey and maple syrup), flesh, dairy, yeast, corn, alcohol, coffee, caffeine, mushrooms, dried fruit, peanuts, cashews, soy sauce, and all processed foods.

What is allowed? Nuts and seeds, raw veggies, avocados, tomatoes, lemons, legumes, unheated oil, coconut pulp, and algae. As for fruits we can eat grapefruit, cherries, strawberries, blueberries, and cranberries. I'm in big trouble.

After a week of being vegan I don't have any cravings for meat or dairy, not even ice-cream. But how can I live without watermelon? At first I was thinking forget the whole thing. That just made me depressed. I've decided to just try and do my best. As my daughter Gina says, eat as many greens as you can and let the rest take care of itself. Fine. I'll use my green smoothies in the morning, my veggies in the afternoon, and my salad at dinner as my starting point and try to be as good as possible after that and see what happens.

Healthy Diet Continued

2007-05-19T06:06:00.000-04:00

So what do I do now? I really don't want to eat animal products. As fate would have it, another book crosses my path, Eat to Live, by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. Perfect timing. Dr. Fuhrman supports his writings with over two-thousand research articles. His book is inspiring and rational. I think it is one of the most important ever written on the subject of food and eating habits. These are the most important lessons I got from the book:

1. The formula for a healthy diet: Health = Nutrients/Calories. Optimal health comes from eating large quantities of nutrient rich foods.

2. The more we feed our bodies with high-nutrient foods, the less we want food that is bad for us. Cravings for junk food arise because we don't feed ourselves healthy food. We are left hungry.

3. Healthy foods are fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, and whole grains. Unhealthy foods are meats, poultry, fish, refined (processed) white products such as white bread and rice, dairy products.

4. The phytochemicals found in fruits and vegetables protect against heart disease and cancer.

5. All the protein we need can be easily derived from plant foods.

6. Raw, leafy greens (romaine lettuce, kale, collards, spinach) are the most nutrient-dense foods on the planet.

7. We have been brain washed by big business (meat and dairy industry) and corrupted government officials to believe that we need animal products to be healthy.

8. The most comprehensive study on diet and disease shows that populations eating little or no animal products were much healthier than those that did. The China Project data shows that as animal food consumption approached zero so did cancer and heart attacks. This is by far the largest study ever completed.

I highly recommend reading this book. Now I had something positive to hold on to. I was turning away from animals, but now I had something to go towards. I could eat all the fruits and vegetables I wanted. Things were looking up. I could see the light. Maybe I could become a vegetarian after all. It looked like clear sailing...until another book came to my attention. More on that tomorrow.

A Healthy, Holistic Diet

2007-05-18T11:30:00.000-04:00

I'm not talking diet as in trying to lose weight, but as in a way of living. It seems as if the whole universe is trying to make me change my eating habits. I've been health conscious most of my life. I have been jogging since college. I have paid attention to what I eat since I left home and got married in my early twenties. Tried to become a vegetarian many times...but hamburgers always did me in. Even in failure I still did my best to eat lots of fruits, veggies, and whole grains.

Now the pressure is on. Why? I don't know. Maybe because my cholesterol isn't where it should be, as well as my blood pressure. How is that possible, I ask my doc? I take really good care of myself. Apparently not. The figures don't lie. Something has to change.

Books start calling for me to read them. Fine. First, The Way We Eat: Why Our Food Choices Matter, by Peter Singer and Jim Mason. Yes, I would really like to be a vegetarian. I don't like the idea of eating animals and fish. I don't believe animal products are good for me. I don't like big business farming and all of the pollution and waste of resources.

Well, Singer and Mason pull no punches. This is why our food choices matter:

1. Cattle, pigs, chickens, and fish suffer horrible deaths because of our choice to eat them. Most of them suffer their whole lives, too (except non-farmed fish). It isn't just disgusting what happens to them, it is immoral and perverse. Factory farming is much more horrible than you have been led to believe. They do not want you to know about this.

2. The production of meat, fish (including shellfish), dairy (eggs and milk), contribute enormously to the pollution and destruction of our environment through volumes of waste and consumption of fossil fuel. You would not believe how much oil goes into raising a cow. If Al Gore really wants to do something about global warming besides buying energy credits he should go on a diet (vegetarian, that is)

I have spared you the details. If you really want to do something helpful for yourself and the planet, read this book. It will inspire you.

Next time I will share with you what I've learned about eating now that I choose to stop killing animals. I know this is not going to be easy. I can't imagine a world without burgers and fries, but maybe it's time to stop ignoring the facts.

A Happy Holistic Mother's Day Story

2007-05-13T12:14:00.000-04:00

My mother is lying in a hospital bed; her heart is so weak and damaged that it cannot keep fluids from accumulating in her lungs. Nearly twenty years after quadruple bypass surgery, she may be on her deathbed. My sister and I are talking to her about the past and my brother Ronnie, who died of asthma when he was four years old. His death became the fulcrum around which my mother's life has fallen and then risen. It is the lowest point of her life, and also from where she has become a source of strength to all who know her.

At the end of our conversation about my brother, my mother said something that nearly took my breath away. Leaning forward and looking to some far away place, in a voice barely audible, she said, "At least we had him for four years. Some babies are lost after only a few months." And then she lay back in her hospital bed and closed her eyes.

I could not stop thinking about my mother's statement. How could she be so positive, so grateful? This woman has such strength. Her perspective on the life and loss of my brother made her life more meaningful than I can comprehend. The perspectives that we take impact the quality and meaning of our own lives in ways that most of us are rarely aware.

Happy Mother's Day Mom...and thanks for being such an inspiring teacher! Love you!

Perspective Evolves

2007-05-03T06:25:00.000-04:00

Throughout the history of humankind we can see the evolution, not just of the species, but of perspective. Perspective widens and humans evolve. One way of looking at perspective is in the context of values. Another way would be through belief systems. Perspective determines what we can see; it plays a major role in how we interpret what we see and experience.

Over the years philosophers and scientists have theorized about how human development takes place, both individually and as a species. We will look at both aspects. For now, let's look at the big picture. European philosopher poet Jean Gebser has done research in this area and describes evolving structures of consciousness throughout history. These structures provide a framework for individual perspective. Perception changes from structure to structure. The following is how we humans have evolved according to Gebser:

Archaic stage: humans are essentially unconscious, embedded in the natural world with zero perspective, non-dimensional vision. Seen in newborns.

Magical stage: the dawn of humanity as we know it. Humankind experiences a magical unity with the universe, involves witchcraft and spell-casting. Perspective is one dimensional.

Mythical stage: religion and poetry arise, as does a sense of time. Vision is two dimensional. Seen in fundamental religions.

Mental stage: rationality rules, objective and analytic thought is possible. Three dimensional perspective. Gives rise to the Renaissance.

Aperspectival stage: integral thinking, holistic perspective, multiple viewpoints accepted and appreciated. Seen in Picasso's paintings and Einstein's Theory of Relativity and Quantum Physics.

As you can see, perspective is ever-widening and evolves to become more inclusive. Humanity is evolving towards a more holistic perspective.

Reality is Strange

2007-04-29T07:46:00.000-04:00

The fact (or appearance) of the universe is really strange if you think about it. Have you ever thought about existence and why there is something and not nothing? Science says that first there was nothing, then there was the big bang, and here we are...doesn't that strike you as, well, interesting?

Our regular everyday lives work out just fine. We work, play, eat, live, die. Everything is normal. That is life. However, the minute we step outside of the ordinary and look at really big things, or really small things, uh-oh. Poof, things get really weird. Problems arise.

The universe is expanding. Where is it expanding to? What's outside of the universe, and what's outside of that? If that isn't enough, things are even more problematical in the sub-atomic level. Particles don't appear like they do in our "real" world. They exist as probability waves. You can't pin them down. Read a good book on quantum physics and you will want to become a mystic like many of the early discovers' of the field.

But why bother? Most of us have enough problems just living. We have to act as if the universe made sense. To survive we let ourselves be shaped by what psychologist Charles Tart calls "consensus consciousness." Reality, which if we really thought about it, is too strange for us. So, our consciousness gets formed by our culture and we live our lives...but at a great expense. We miss out on the mystery of this incredibly strange and interesting universe. We live our lives playing with illusions. Holistic perspective gets at the heart of the illusion, stepping back to see what is really there...strange or not.

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. " Albert Einstein

In future blogs I hope to open the door to seeing reality from a holistic perspective.

Perspective on Holistic Perspectives

2007-04-26T12:28:00.000-04:00

Perspective is a two-way process. We are changed by what we see, and what we see is determined by what we are. What I see changes how I feel and what emotions I have. It also changes the way I treat people and, in return, how I am treated. What I see determines my life!

Holistic perspective is all about seeing: not so much about what is out there, but what is happening inside our heads. Acquiring a holistic perspective involves first becoming personally aware that perspective is subjective, an opinion, if you will.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not is seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust

Dancing...An Integral Transformative Practice

2007-04-21T06:02:00.000-04:00

Living an integral holistic life is fostered by doing what some call ITP, Integral TransformativePractice. Ken Wilber says that it is the exercise of body, mind, and spirit in self, nature, and culture. That is the simple definition and it works for me. Last night I took my first Tango lesson and it felt like ITP in it's best sense of the word.

Dance may be the very best of transformative practices. First, you are certainly exercising your body. Following the instructor's direction requires total concentration of the mind. And when we flow to the music and our partner we are definitely having a spiritual experience...especially when doing the Tango. (God it's sexy.)

My dance career began in high school doing the bouncing up and down in place to rock and roll, that is, when I got up the courage to ask a girl to dance. Some years ago I learned how to Cajun and Zydeco dance at a Roots type music festival. That totally broadened my social life. I went on to take Country and Western line dancing (and drink beer). In the last few years Swing, Lindy Hop, Salsa, and now Tango, have enriched my life--physically, mentally, and spiritually. I gotta tell you, if you are not dancing you are missing out of one of the best holistic integral experiences around!

Let's see...that was quick, quick, slow, quick, quick, slow...

The Mind Body Connection

2007-04-20T08:52:00.000-04:00

My friend Mike and I were having dinner last night and he told me what happened when his doctor informed him that the batteries in his pace-maker were running low. All at once he began to feel his heart beating harder. He made an appointment to see a specialist in Boston and for the next few days he lived in a stressful situation, still feeling his heart beating abnormally.

When he was examined by the new doctor he was told that there was nothing going on with his heart and that the reason he was feeling the new sensations was that he was more sensitive to what his pace-maker was doing. Mike said that immediately the sensations stopped and never came back.

Sometimes we forget the power of our minds. There is a lesson in A Course in Miracles that says all physical illness comes from a belief that the body can create, that sickness is a belief in magic. Studies show that a very high percentage of people who visit their doctors are suffering from symptoms that originate in the mind. I'm not saying that all illness is an illusion, but who knows? I think that is one area worth more exploration in our quest for a holistic integral perspective.

Several years ago I drank several glasses of diet coke with dinner and my heart began to race. I had also eaten quite a bit of food. I thought I was having a heart attack. Not wanting to go to the hospital I began to meditate to relax myself and my heart calmed down. But now, whenever I have too much soda or food, the feeling comes back. I say to myself that it's just my mind and guess what...the feeling goes away. Gotta love that mind body connection.

Holistic Beginnings

2007-04-18T06:52:00.000-04:00

I could not believe the peace and love that radiated from the face of my Freshman English professor. His name was Hobart Mitchell. I was 18 years old. Up until that time my passion in life was baseball and soccer. The only reason I was in Junior College was a soccer scholarship. My interior life consisted of batting averages, baseballs, and the Boston Red Sox. In that one face my life turned a corner.

Mr. Mitchell offered to teach meditation to any student interested. A small handful of us met on Thursday nights in his office. It was there that my quest for the meaning of life began. The following year I transferred to the University of Rhode Island and continued my search, majoring in Philosophy. Unfortunately I graduated not much farther along the road. That, however, did not put an end to my need to find answers to my questions of what life is really all about.

Entering the job market, getting married, and having children, took my mind off the quest, but by the time I hit 40 the problem was staring me right in the face again. Money and all the pleasures of life did not leave me satisfied. I knew that all of this was just a way of minimizing the pain of not knowing what the hell I was on this planet for.

And then things started happening again. My now ex-wife gave me Marianne Williamson's book A Return to Love. That introduced me to A Course in Miracles. For the first time since meeting Hobart Mitchell I was back on a path that was leading me to where I wanted to go.

I spent 8 years meditating on the course and at the end of that time was led to enroll in the Holistic Counseling program at Salve Regina University. I had no interest in becoming a therapist, but felt in my heart this was what I was supposed to do. It was in the first semester that I was introduced to the works of Ken Wilber. Dr. Jack Childs taught a class on holistic perspectives and his assigned reading included A Brief History of Everything by Wilber. Something clicked and I knew I would find more answers, so I read all 20 of Wilber's books...three times! (over the course of 4 years)

The program at Salve taught me about holistic and Wilber taught me about integral. Together many of my life-long questions began to be answered. Of course, now I have new ones. However, the result is that my life is meaningful now. I feel full of peace and a sense that my life has a purpose. And probably most of all I feel satisfied, knowing I am where I am supposed to be. It is my hope that in sharing my experiences and learning of holistic and integral others may find some of that also.

Integral Imus

2007-04-13T07:03:00.000-04:00

The whole debate over Imus can be viewed from an integral perspective. One way of doing that is using the four quadrant map of reality (the view from the interior and exterior of an individual and a group. Here's how it looks to me:

From the interior of the individual, Imus' perspective, he said some despicable things. And he has appologized profusely. I'm satisfied that he is sorry.

From the exterior of an individual, his critics perspective, they are calling for his head...which they got. What I don't understand is how "THE REVERAND" Al Sharpton can be so unforgiving. Sharpton and others would earn a lot more respect from me if they acted more like the Christians they profess to be. Instead they look like men grateful for one more reason to be interviewed on CNN.

From the perspective of the interior of the group we all have to make up our own minds how we feel about this and act accordingly--which would be to turn Imus off or not. We as a society will be judged by our making it worth while for a man like Imus to be on the radio. We make our values known by our actions.

Lastly, from the perspective of the exterior on a group there are the advertisers who make their decisions based on financial considerations. They are not interested in the right or wrong of the situation but how they will be affected financially in the long run.

This holistic perspective on the Don Imus incident makes me wonder...was he just a victum of a slow news week? There are people dying in Iraq and we are talking about Don Imus all week. Thank God Anna Nicole Smith is off the front page.

It's all about perspective

2007-04-12T11:34:00.000-04:00

Richard Bach wrote Illusions back in the 1980's. The book calls into question what it is that we are really seeing when we look out into our worlds. Maybe much of what we take for granted is just an illusion, albeit a convincing one. Reading that book was like walking out of a dark cave and while my eyesight wasn't clear, it wasn't totally darkened anymore either. Since then I've tried to stay out of the cave and improve my vision. While blindness can be from within, I've found that most of my difficulties haven't originated from my genes but from my perspective.

If there is one truth that I've learned in my life, it is that what I see is determined more by who I am than by what is out there in the physical world. This blog is dedicated to finding ways to improve perspective, make it more holistic, more integral, more comprehensive, and more balanced. And as expected, it all starts within. My intention here is to share what I have learned and continue to learn about all things holistic and integral.

After years of searching, getting more education than I ever imagined possible for someone who barely graduated from high school, I been putting my lessons on paper. It's time to share them with whomever finds their way here. I hope that I can call into question what most of us think of as reality, in the long tradition of philosophers and fools, and make a little contribution to the betterment of our existence on this planet.

In the coming weeks I will post sections and chapters of a book I have written on the subject, Holistic Perspectives: An Introduction to Integral Thinking. It should be published before the end of the year, but you can read it here for free.

Meanwhile, I will leave you with this thought from Baruch Spinoza which probably summarizes everything that will ever be written here: "The more clearly you understand yourself and your emotions, the more you become a lover of what is."