Lost and Found In Vietnam

When I went back to school to get my Ph.D. I did it so I would have credentials to become a writer. Off and on I write when I have something so say. The experience has always been rewarding and educational. I'm feeling the urge to write again. Hopefully I have something interesting to say. I am going to post chapters here for anyone interested in seeing. Any and all feedback and suggestions will be welcomed and considered.

The story is about two people one lost, one found, and what was learned along the way.

So, here is "Lost and Found in Vietnam"

 First page:
 

In the end, when all the searching is done, after a lifetime of seeking a meaning to my existence, I can go no farther than the famous physicist:

“I’m not an atheist, and I don’t think I can call myself a pantheist. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many languages. The child knows someone must have written those books. It does not know how. It does not understand the languages in which they are written. The child dimly suspects a mysterious order in the arrangement of the books but doesn’t know what it is. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God. We see the universe marvelously arranged and obeying certain laws but only dimly understand these laws. Our limited minds grasp the mysterious force that moves the constellations.”

Albert Einstein

 

Chapter One

I received this email:

Dear Sal, I am writing this letter to let you know that our dear friend Brad has taken his life. Recently I went to visit him, as I had been lately. Upon reaching his apartment building, his neighbor Murray informed me that he had killed himself, something that he had long planned. I just thought that you would want to know, being his best friend and all.

The neighbors said they knew he was running out of money and they pitched in and collected a total of $50 so he could buy some food. (Which he probably spent on alcohol.) They even cleaned his apartment and tried to cheer him up.

The local police have taken for themselves anything of value from his apartment. His sister is flying to Vietnam next week to claim his body, but I think they are going to cremate him and leave some of the ashes here. Murray gave me the large set of dentist teaching teeth that he used for demonstrating proper pronunciation. I’m thinking you might like to keep them as a remembrance.

regards,

Matt

 

Chapter Two

Remembrance. Yeah, I remember the first time I saw Brad. It was those damn teeth. He had them hanging on the handlebars of his motorbike.

“What the hell?” I said.

“They’re used for teaching pronunciation,” said Bill. We were having lunch at our favorite greasy fish eatery. Both of us English teachers in Nha Trang, Vietnam. He knew what they were. A mouthful of teeth the size of a human head, they looked so spooky.

Brad parked his bike, walked into the restaurant, and Bill tells him he must be a teacher.

“Yup.”

“And you use those for teaching phonemes,” said Bill.

“The only teacher in all of Asia doing it right,” said Brad in his perfect Minnesota articulation.

I’m thinking this guy is so full of himself. Asshole.

“Really, I am the finest English teacher in Vietnam and China. Everyone else is doing it completely wrong,” Brad went on. I disliked him even more.

He was tall, silver hair, fairly handsome in a cute sort of way. He always wore jeans and a long sleeve button down shirt, sleeves rolled up. Not like the rest of us foreigners in Vietnam who wore shorts and tee-shirts.

 

“Join us if you like,” Bill offered.

Brad sat down with a crooked smile big as his ego. I just 

watched the two of them, figuring out who I disliked more. Bill, extremely overweight, bald, a few years older than me, was  a follower of the infamous Indian guru Rajneesh, now reborn, reincarnated, and reinvented, as Osho. He had been here in the early years of the war and came back to volunteer first in Hanoi and then at the University of Nha Trang. There was something about him that I strongly disliked. However, he was an American and a Red Sox fan, not many of those in this part of the world, so we were “friends.”

It should be noted that Bill did help save me from a disastrous relationship with a woman here that threatened to become abusive. On her part not mine. Every time I suggested we separate she suggested that we don’t …or she would jump off the 4^th floor balcony of the hotel we were living together in. (Eventually, coward that I am, I moved out on her one day when she went to the market. Bill encouraging me and easing my guilt over it.)

“Where are you teaching?” Bill asked.

“I’m mostly tutoring out of my house. Was working in Saigon, but friends of mine opened a school here in Nha Trang. I moved, the school never got off the ground, and I ended up with a few students to teach privately. Barely getting by.”

“Where are you living?” I asked.

“Out past the Tran Phu bridge. A fourth floor efficiency. Small, but with a big balcony overlooking the mouth of the river and the sea. Big enough to hold a class of 6 or 8 students.”

 

Somewhere in the conversation Brad told us how he hated his life, he was the most depressed person we would ever meet. And that if he had the courage he would kill himself. I didn’t take him seriously, he was too interesting and I’d never know anyone personally who seriously considered suicide.

I forget what else we talked about. We exchanged phone numbers and within a few weeks Brad and I were regularly getting together for dinner and serious conversation about teaching. Ok, the subject of women and his interest in only very young and very beautiful women, also came up.

I discovered that despite first appearances I actually liked him.

Afraid of Dying?

A month before my dad passed away I began waking up in the middle of the night with a sickening feeling of dread. Strong physical feelings of a fear of dying. I've never been afraid of death in my life. Experiences, many experiences, that I have had made me confident that there is a life after death. I know there is something magical going on beyond this physical world. So what happened?

Then in March my dad's wonderful life came to an end. (My mom had passed away a few years earlier.) Suddenly, I felt like a boat at sea whose anchor had been cut. I was adrift and I was scared of death. Why? Why now? Why after all these years of believing, knowing that there is something more after death, I couldn't feel it. Intellectually I still knew all the reasons for believing, but I couldn't feel it in my body. What happened?

Two things got me through the following months. One was a meditation practice that I had started not long before. That seemed to quiet my mind and bring a bit of peace. The other was to remind myself of all the things that happened to me over the years, that made me sense (or know) that there is something going on in the universe that goes way beyond what we see or feel or touch or count or measure. The material universe is not all there is.

As months passed I still experienced this fear now and then. The dread is mostly gone, but I still have this new "concern" that I never had before. It's always in the background of my life. Try as I might, the realization that at 63 years old death is getting closer than I like to think. I'm going to die...sometime. Actually, all of us are. We are all on death row, we just don't know the time and place.  But time is running out, and will eventually.

The truth is, no matter what we experience in our lives, we can never be 100% certain that there is a life after death. Someday you will too will go through what Christian mystics call the "dark night of the soul."

 So, what do we do? I don't care about trying to prove it one way or the other. That is more for intellectual entertainment. I want to know how to live with the uncertainty. How do we deal with the fear? It takes the fun out of life. Life is winding down. Our bodies are not getting stronger. Every year new parts break down.

Then one answer came to me today, and that is why I am writing this blog. Why am I afraid? It's simple but profound and it is the answer to most of our other problems in life.

The answer: Accept what is. Do not resist what life gives you. Embrace your mortality, humanity, your need to exit the stage of life and make room for others. We must accept and even embrace what is the reality of our being here.

The minute this thought came to me all fear melted away. Gone. Done. Do you want to loose the fear of death, without having to depend on religious belief? Accept it, embrace it, look forward to it. You are going to die. Okay, bring it on. I will live the most meaningful life I can until then... and then let's see what happens.

I know many people will read this and think it is too simple. Or that you have heard this all before. Me too. But, it needs reminding. It is the answer to all our fears. It is the most profound skill you can ever acquire! If you can accept your death, then, hey, you can accept anything!

Body, Mind, and Spirit: A Great Life

I don't know why but at the age of 18 I became extremely interested in the meaning of life. I'm pretty sure it got started by my first year college English professor Hobart Mitchell. He taught those of us who were curious how to meditate in his office after class.  This interest in going beyond ordinary thinking and living spilled over into taking a deeper interest in developing a healthy mind and body.

You could say that for nearly my whole adult life, except for a few years in my 30's, I've been experimenting and searching for a better way to live. In a few short paragraphs I would like to share with you, in a nutshell, the fruits of this search in three critical areas: the body, the mind, the spirit. 

The Body. To have a great life you need a healthy body. Exercise is vital, we all know that and there is no debate about how to do it. Just find a way that works for you and move your body every day, preferably for at least an hour. The second aspect is what and how to eat. I have researched this and read more books than you can imagine and while the advice from the "experts" is conflicting there is one doctor, one physician who stands as the one person whose nutritional guidelines I totally agree with. Dr. Joel Fuhrman. Read and follow his way in Eat for Health. After years of searching and experimenting this is the best I have found. You don't need anything else. If you want to go beyond Fuhrman you can, but I think your time would be better used working on the other two critical aspects of your life.

Which brings us to the mind. This is fairly simple to understand. And while I do have a Ph. D. in Psychology, you don't need one. The mind, like your body needs to be exercised. Daily. Too little exercise and you become bored with your life and that leads to self-medicating. Meaning you do things to make your life bearable. That includes imbalance regarding food, sex, entertainment, drugs, alcohol, and other medications. Note that I said imbalance. All these things can be enjoyed, but when the mind is not exercised it craves these things in an out of balance way.

So, what is there to do? Learn. Live your life so you are always learning something. At the lowest point in my life I was given the most important instruction I've ever received regarding mental health. I was told, by a voice in my head, that I was depressed because I wasn't doing anything challenging. Specifically, I was told to go learn to play the violin. I did. Then I took piano and guitar lessons. Then I learned to fly a plane. Then I went back to college. These days I'm learning Vietnamese. My life is balanced and I haven't needed to self-medicate for over 20 years.

Spiritual health is a little tricky because some of us get caught up in the idea of God. I am here to tell you that you can have perfect spiritual heath without a belief in God. Even if you do believe in God, don't let that belief get in your way of finding peace spiritually. Spiritual health is all about living your life right here, right now. It is about embracing and accepting all that comes to you in your life as it is. There is a lot more that can be said, but I will refer you to two books by Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now and A New Earth. I've spent my whole adult life reading in this area and no one explains it more clearly than this guy. 

In the end, you and I, in essence, are containers. The content of our lives is what flows through us. But that is all that it is. We have holes in our bottoms (pun intended) so that the stuff can keep flowing through. That stuff will never last, but we will. Be the container, be the watcher as the stuff comes and goes. It is a great life.

Up Hill Jogging

I learned a good life lesson this morning while jogging. At the end of my daily 5 mile run here in Westerly I have a big hill to climb up. Usually it is a killer and I finish out of breath. I start out looking way up and know how difficult it will be. And continue looking up to see how I have progressed, how much more to go. This morning I tried something different. I kept my head down.

Instead of looking way ahead to the future, I stayed in the moment and looked at my feet. I only was aware of the next step. Making sure to take enough breaths to get plenty of oxygen for my body. And, amazingly, I got to the finish feeling refreshed. Not winded. Not tired. Happy.

I want to live my whole life like that. I want to live only in the next step, aware of what I am doing now, right now. The future will take care of itself.  If we pay attention to the next step we will get to where we need to go. And do it with a whole lot less pain and stress.

Imagine, living our lives like this. Step. Breathe. Step. Breathe. One step at a time. All the time. The future will be a pleasant surprise. Like reaching the top of the hill refreshed and happy.

A Change In Perspective

I thought I was going blind. One day in the middle of May I realized that the vision in my left eye was all blurry. Half of my field of vision was covered with a brown curtain, the other half was like looking through a half inch of water. How strange, all of a sudden I couldn't see right.


I went to my apartment, I was living in Viet Nam at the time, and searched the internet. Big mistake. I was sure I was going blind. So many possibilities and all bad. I hoped that it was just temporary, but I knew deep down that it was serious. By the end of the week I had figured out that I had a detached retina. If not taken care of I would go blind. And chances were that what caused it in one eye could cause it to happen in the other.

I should have left Viet Nam immediately, but I was scheduled to leave in two weeks. I didn't want to make my students nervous and I didn't know for sure what was going on. Although if I did have a detached retina they said I should have it looked at immediately. Fool that I am I stayed till the end of May and saw my opthamologist the first day back in Rhode Island.

I did have a detached retina. Fortunately, if you believe in fortune, my eye looked surprisingly healthy, and the macula was still attached. (If it was not I would be really screwed.) On June 3rd my eye was stuck with a needle and a gas bubble inserted. I had to spend the next two weeks in bed laying on my right side so the bubble could push my retina back in place. Amazing. No cutting was necessary to fix the tear in my retina. But..and this is a big but...they used a laser to "tack weld" the retina in place permanently. And that hurt like hell. Like someone sticking needles in your eye.

It's been a month now. My vision significantly improved, but is far from back to normal. My doctor said that this is it, but everything I read on the internet says it will take several months for the eye to heal and the body to remove the fluid behind the retina which is causing my vision to look like I'm seeing through water. So, who knows what will happen. And I still have a 15% chance of the same thing happening to my other eye.

I know now that I most likely will not go blind, but, I could end up with bad vision in one or both eyes. Who knows? I admit I'm a little nervous. But, I keep hearing a voice in my head. I've heard this voice all through my ordeal. It says to me that "the universe is a safe place." And  "don't worry, nothing happens by chance." Do I ask "the universe" to heal my eye and make it all better, of course. And at the same time I feel a strong sense of peace that whatever does happen is best for my soul. Nothing goes wrong in our universe. There is a plan and a reason behind everything that happens to us. That is my perspective, even if my vision must change.

How Choices Are Not Always Helpful

Do you think having a lot of choices is good? Of course we do. Who wants to go to a restaurant and not have a lot of dishes to pick from? Yeah, well, this is not always the case. I was watching a video about this very subject today that argued this way.


Click here to see video: Choice: Less is More

Anyway you can check this out if you are interested. (The whole series of these videos is interesting. They are great speakers who come to speak to Google employees. I watch them in the morning while I do my yoga.)

So, okay, it makes sense to me after listening to the guy. But how does this apply to the real world? Then I thought about my living in Vietnam and how all of a sudden I started seeing all the things I didn't like about it. Before that, I loved everything. Well, most everything. Still, the change happened almost over night. And you know when that change occurred? Right after I got photos and emails from my daughter Gina living in Arizona and how wonderful and beautiful it is there. And I started thinking that I could move there.

Choice. I now had another place that I could live. Of course, because I was not living there I only fantasized about how wonderful it would be. And that is exactly when I began noticing all the things I didn't like about Vietnam.

The end result was a lot of anguish. There are a lot of people I love there. There are a lot of reasons for me to be there. But, now I also saw the bad. What to do? I spent a sleepless night and then days trying to decide what to do. In the end I decided to postpone coming back to Vietnam after the Christmas holidays and give Arizona a try. I believe that after living there a while I will see all the things I don't like about it also. Such is the nature of having choices.

I wonder how many marriages and relationships have ended because of this principle. Or jobs that we left. Or towns moved away from. (And countries.)

So what is the benefit of knowing this? Probably just being aware of how this works will be helpful in the future. I must know that when I have another choice it will always look better than what I have. It may be, but I can't know. I must not act so fast or assume what I don't know. I do know that I am headed for Arizona now, wondering what will happen, and glad that I do have options to go back to my original choice. But beware, often we don't have that option. Sometimes choices cannot be reversed.

Business Perspective

Last summer Cheryl was the second salesperson behind Dana. I found out that she was selling our product at cost. She said that customers wouldn't buy it at our regular price. Cheryl found a new job.

Ed took Cheryl's place this year. I made it a habit to check his invoices to make sure that the same thing didn't happen again. Turns out he was selling the product for more than our regular price. Turns out customers would pay more. Why was one salesperson below and one above our regular price?

They had different perspectives on what the customer was willing to pay. The customers were the same, but the salespersons' perspectives were different. Which of course led to much different outcomes in their incomes. And mine.

Choices, Now and in the Future

It only works in the present moment. We can't make a change and think that it will last. Why? Because it only works in the present moment.

Wouldn't we all like to, for instance, choose not to eat refined carbohydrates any more? Or choose to stop wasting time, or energy? Think of all the things you would like to change. Why can't we once and for all make a choice and be done with it? Why do we commit to a new diet today only to go off it tomorrow? Because we live only in the present. We do not and cannot live in both the present and the future.

I was thinking about an unhappy event today. I wanted to just let it go and be done with it. My mind wanted to keep going over what a rotten thing this person had done. But I wanted no more of it. Right then and there I said good bye to the thoughts. And I realized that while that could work for the moment, later on those same thoughts would come back. Why? Because we can only choose for the present moment, we cannot choose for the future. We don't live there.

Want to make changes in your life? Once isn't enough. We must choose every day until the change becomes real. I guess life is a little more challenging than we'd like it to be.

The Romance of Illusions

I was thinking today about not being young any more and not being ambitious like I once was (like when I started my business). For a while I was thinking what a shame that I don't have the drive to do more (not the same as energy). I am definitely on some sort of cruise control or something. I don't want to make more money or have more success.

Today at the beach I read the following by Joseph Conrad from his short story Youth: "...our faces marked by toil, by deceptions, by success, by love; our weary eyes looking still, looking always, looking anxiously for something out of life, that while it is expected is already gone--has passed unseen, in a sigh, in a flash--together with the youth, with the strength, with the romance of illusions."

Is it possible that with the passing of our youth we also lose the romance of illusions? If that is true as Conrad seems to be saying then what is going on in my life can be a good thing. Maybe I'm not driven to get more out of life, the more being a simple illusion. Maybe by letting go of the toil, deceptions, and success, I am moving beyond illusions into something more real.

My youth is gone (most of us still have our strength) but with it are the illusions and the pain and the crap that comes with it. The world wants us to think that we need to make more money and buy more things to be happy. But this is a lie so that they can have more money and buy more things. Romancing the illusions has been a wonderful learning experience for most of us. But now, I choose to sit by the seashore, watching the play of waves in wonderment. Let some kids, while they are still young, enjoy the toil and live the romance and strive for the success. It's life.

Wanting

I swear to God, if I were given three wishes, I'd use up two of them to help me not want any more. I'd keep one wish in reserve, just in case I wanted my wanting back. But, geez, there is so much wanting in life, life would be some much more enjoyable without wanting.

Actually, while my wanting is still running in high gear (along with my passions for this and that) I am much more aware of the wanting process. I notice my wanting instead of just being my wanting. And that's an important distinction. Somehow, when I notice my wanting it doesn't feel frustrating any more. It feels...like it's someone else's wanting. And maybe at that point it is.

Either way, I think I'm exhausting my supply of wanting in this life time. I don't want wanting any more. I'm done wanting. I just want to be. Does that count as wanting? Probably.

Providing Shade In August

There comes a time when you just are not supposed to do a lot. For trees it's winter. For me it's this summer. Learning to just be. To check in once in a while and watch my breath. Even better, watching the waves play with the sand on the shore. More peace and simple happiness these days than in years past. I could get used to this.

I notice things more than I used to. Got upset the other day at the gym when someone changed the channel to Fox News. Became aware of how my ego played its part in all of that. Why do I have to be invested in being right and the right (Republicans) being wrong? It is what it is. I don't know what is right and wrong (I know that sounds like relativism, but how do we know the truth?). I want to love what is.

It's all a process and it takes time to grow a tree. I am a tree. It's taken years to establish a strong root system. The tree is big enough and the branches bearing limbs and leaves. Fruit has been picked...hopefully still more to come. At this point in my life providing shade seems like a useful way to be. That's a perfect metaphor for my life now that action (bearing fruit) isn't such a priority.

I am a tree bearing leaves providing shade for all who find themselves sitting under my branches. Feel the soft gentle breeze?

Conditioned by the Past

"Since the mind is conditioned by the past, you are then forced to reenact the past again and again."
Eckhart Tolle

When I read that passage this morning something inside me went: "Pay attention to this. Here is a key to helping you do what you really want to do." I understood that here was the aid I was looking for.

We all struggle to improve our live...well, that is if we are being aware and not living our lives unconsciously. If we are on cruise-control we just react to what comes our way without thinking. But, when we stop to reflect we notice things that we'd like to change.

I've read that awareness alone was enough. Just like in therapy, awareness itself is healing. I'm beginning to realize that something more is needed. Here is an example, something I am struggling with right now.

I am doing all the right things when it comes to eating healthy foods. I eat a mostly raw vegan diet. I feel great except for one thing, my weight. I was about 10 pounds (maybe 15 if I'm being honest and strict) over my ideal weight. And I have been trying to lose it. Instead, since returning from Vietnam I've gained 7 pounds . Why?

The food I eat satisfies my hunger and all of my nutritional needs. Why do I want more? Even when I allow myself a small treat I still want more. Even when I have two small treats I want more. Why? Why? Why?!!

I have begun to notice that it isn't a physical thing at all. And, I don't believe its psychological either. Unless you consider "past conditioning" psychological. When I stop to reflect on why I do eat more than I want or need it does come down to this conditioning. Its a freaking habit! I grew up having treats in the house after dinner. If I am going to change my eating "habits" I am going to have to change my mind.

Anyway, this is just one example of how our mind is conditioned from the past and if we don't do something about it we will be "forced to reenact the past over and over again."

What can we do about this? Simple. Become aware of the habit, the conditioning. Don't resist it, but do observe it. Instead of being the habit, be the awareness of the habit. I'm going to give this a try and see what happens. If you see me and I've lost weight you'll know it worked.