How Choices Are Not Always Helpful

Do you think having a lot of choices is good? Of course we do. Who wants to go to a restaurant and not have a lot of dishes to pick from? Yeah, well, this is not always the case. I was watching a video about this very subject today that argued this way.


Click here to see video: Choice: Less is More

Anyway you can check this out if you are interested. (The whole series of these videos is interesting. They are great speakers who come to speak to Google employees. I watch them in the morning while I do my yoga.)

So, okay, it makes sense to me after listening to the guy. But how does this apply to the real world? Then I thought about my living in Vietnam and how all of a sudden I started seeing all the things I didn't like about it. Before that, I loved everything. Well, most everything. Still, the change happened almost over night. And you know when that change occurred? Right after I got photos and emails from my daughter Gina living in Arizona and how wonderful and beautiful it is there. And I started thinking that I could move there.

Choice. I now had another place that I could live. Of course, because I was not living there I only fantasized about how wonderful it would be. And that is exactly when I began noticing all the things I didn't like about Vietnam.

The end result was a lot of anguish. There are a lot of people I love there. There are a lot of reasons for me to be there. But, now I also saw the bad. What to do? I spent a sleepless night and then days trying to decide what to do. In the end I decided to postpone coming back to Vietnam after the Christmas holidays and give Arizona a try. I believe that after living there a while I will see all the things I don't like about it also. Such is the nature of having choices.

I wonder how many marriages and relationships have ended because of this principle. Or jobs that we left. Or towns moved away from. (And countries.)

So what is the benefit of knowing this? Probably just being aware of how this works will be helpful in the future. I must know that when I have another choice it will always look better than what I have. It may be, but I can't know. I must not act so fast or assume what I don't know. I do know that I am headed for Arizona now, wondering what will happen, and glad that I do have options to go back to my original choice. But beware, often we don't have that option. Sometimes choices cannot be reversed.

Business Perspective

Last summer Cheryl was the second salesperson behind Dana. I found out that she was selling our product at cost. She said that customers wouldn't buy it at our regular price. Cheryl found a new job.

Ed took Cheryl's place this year. I made it a habit to check his invoices to make sure that the same thing didn't happen again. Turns out he was selling the product for more than our regular price. Turns out customers would pay more. Why was one salesperson below and one above our regular price?

They had different perspectives on what the customer was willing to pay. The customers were the same, but the salespersons' perspectives were different. Which of course led to much different outcomes in their incomes. And mine.

Choices, Now and in the Future

It only works in the present moment. We can't make a change and think that it will last. Why? Because it only works in the present moment.

Wouldn't we all like to, for instance, choose not to eat refined carbohydrates any more? Or choose to stop wasting time, or energy? Think of all the things you would like to change. Why can't we once and for all make a choice and be done with it? Why do we commit to a new diet today only to go off it tomorrow? Because we live only in the present. We do not and cannot live in both the present and the future.

I was thinking about an unhappy event today. I wanted to just let it go and be done with it. My mind wanted to keep going over what a rotten thing this person had done. But I wanted no more of it. Right then and there I said good bye to the thoughts. And I realized that while that could work for the moment, later on those same thoughts would come back. Why? Because we can only choose for the present moment, we cannot choose for the future. We don't live there.

Want to make changes in your life? Once isn't enough. We must choose every day until the change becomes real. I guess life is a little more challenging than we'd like it to be.

The Romance of Illusions

I was thinking today about not being young any more and not being ambitious like I once was (like when I started my business). For a while I was thinking what a shame that I don't have the drive to do more (not the same as energy). I am definitely on some sort of cruise control or something. I don't want to make more money or have more success.

Today at the beach I read the following by Joseph Conrad from his short story Youth: "...our faces marked by toil, by deceptions, by success, by love; our weary eyes looking still, looking always, looking anxiously for something out of life, that while it is expected is already gone--has passed unseen, in a sigh, in a flash--together with the youth, with the strength, with the romance of illusions."

Is it possible that with the passing of our youth we also lose the romance of illusions? If that is true as Conrad seems to be saying then what is going on in my life can be a good thing. Maybe I'm not driven to get more out of life, the more being a simple illusion. Maybe by letting go of the toil, deceptions, and success, I am moving beyond illusions into something more real.

My youth is gone (most of us still have our strength) but with it are the illusions and the pain and the crap that comes with it. The world wants us to think that we need to make more money and buy more things to be happy. But this is a lie so that they can have more money and buy more things. Romancing the illusions has been a wonderful learning experience for most of us. But now, I choose to sit by the seashore, watching the play of waves in wonderment. Let some kids, while they are still young, enjoy the toil and live the romance and strive for the success. It's life.

Wanting

I swear to God, if I were given three wishes, I'd use up two of them to help me not want any more. I'd keep one wish in reserve, just in case I wanted my wanting back. But, geez, there is so much wanting in life, life would be some much more enjoyable without wanting.

Actually, while my wanting is still running in high gear (along with my passions for this and that) I am much more aware of the wanting process. I notice my wanting instead of just being my wanting. And that's an important distinction. Somehow, when I notice my wanting it doesn't feel frustrating any more. It feels...like it's someone else's wanting. And maybe at that point it is.

Either way, I think I'm exhausting my supply of wanting in this life time. I don't want wanting any more. I'm done wanting. I just want to be. Does that count as wanting? Probably.

Providing Shade In August

There comes a time when you just are not supposed to do a lot. For trees it's winter. For me it's this summer. Learning to just be. To check in once in a while and watch my breath. Even better, watching the waves play with the sand on the shore. More peace and simple happiness these days than in years past. I could get used to this.

I notice things more than I used to. Got upset the other day at the gym when someone changed the channel to Fox News. Became aware of how my ego played its part in all of that. Why do I have to be invested in being right and the right (Republicans) being wrong? It is what it is. I don't know what is right and wrong (I know that sounds like relativism, but how do we know the truth?). I want to love what is.

It's all a process and it takes time to grow a tree. I am a tree. It's taken years to establish a strong root system. The tree is big enough and the branches bearing limbs and leaves. Fruit has been picked...hopefully still more to come. At this point in my life providing shade seems like a useful way to be. That's a perfect metaphor for my life now that action (bearing fruit) isn't such a priority.

I am a tree bearing leaves providing shade for all who find themselves sitting under my branches. Feel the soft gentle breeze?

Conditioned by the Past

"Since the mind is conditioned by the past, you are then forced to reenact the past again and again."
Eckhart Tolle

When I read that passage this morning something inside me went: "Pay attention to this. Here is a key to helping you do what you really want to do." I understood that here was the aid I was looking for.

We all struggle to improve our live...well, that is if we are being aware and not living our lives unconsciously. If we are on cruise-control we just react to what comes our way without thinking. But, when we stop to reflect we notice things that we'd like to change.

I've read that awareness alone was enough. Just like in therapy, awareness itself is healing. I'm beginning to realize that something more is needed. Here is an example, something I am struggling with right now.

I am doing all the right things when it comes to eating healthy foods. I eat a mostly raw vegan diet. I feel great except for one thing, my weight. I was about 10 pounds (maybe 15 if I'm being honest and strict) over my ideal weight. And I have been trying to lose it. Instead, since returning from Vietnam I've gained 7 pounds . Why?

The food I eat satisfies my hunger and all of my nutritional needs. Why do I want more? Even when I allow myself a small treat I still want more. Even when I have two small treats I want more. Why? Why? Why?!!

I have begun to notice that it isn't a physical thing at all. And, I don't believe its psychological either. Unless you consider "past conditioning" psychological. When I stop to reflect on why I do eat more than I want or need it does come down to this conditioning. Its a freaking habit! I grew up having treats in the house after dinner. If I am going to change my eating "habits" I am going to have to change my mind.

Anyway, this is just one example of how our mind is conditioned from the past and if we don't do something about it we will be "forced to reenact the past over and over again."

What can we do about this? Simple. Become aware of the habit, the conditioning. Don't resist it, but do observe it. Instead of being the habit, be the awareness of the habit. I'm going to give this a try and see what happens. If you see me and I've lost weight you'll know it worked.

Between the Sand and the Foam

"I am forever walking upon these shores,
betwixt the sand and the foam.
The high tide will erase my foot-prints,
And the wind will blow away the foam.
But the sea and the shore will remain
Forever." Kahlil Gibran

I was thinking of this poem while sitting in the sand at the beach yesterday. With 80 degree weather it was like summer. I thought "between the sand and the foam." I looked. There was nothing between the sand and the foam. The sand and the foam is where the ocean meets the land.

What does it mean to be somewhere that can only be two dimensional, not three? What did Gibran want to convey by saying he was walking between the sand and the foam? As I watched the dance I began to see that the foam was always moving and the sand was at rest. Ah, the play of being and doing once again.

Was the poet's life lived in that non-space between doing and being? Was he trying to say that his place was a delicate balance between doing and being? I think he was. The best of lives are lived with a wise blend of activity and stillness, work and play, wakefulness and sleep.

And as for our doing and being, the tide of life will wash away what we do and the winds of change will blow away even our spiritual achievements. But...the sea and the shore, love, God, the universal intelligence that guides the stars, remains.

Boring Can Be Good

Suppose you got to a point where you had eaten enough ice cream that the idea of eating it didn't interest you all that much any more. Substitute any other food, or all food for that matter. Suppose you got to a point where all movies seemed to be remakes of others that you had already seen. Movies stopped being entertaining. Substitute any other form of entertainment.

Suppose your job stopped being interesting, or topics of conversation, or everything in your life was nice, but since you had done it all, said it all, seen it all, so many times before...suppose you just got...bored. Is that a bad thing?

I was thinking about that. Sometimes my life is boring. At times I feel like what else is there to do. Moments, maybe even for the better part of a day. You'd think that would be a good enough reason to get depressed.

Sitting on the floor on Easter Sunday I was thinking that being bored with life could be a good place to explore another dimension of...life, reality, existence. If we are in essence infinite, it would make sense that the finite world we live in would eventually become tiring, less entertaining. Maybe instead of becoming depressed, if one were to become aware, at a time like this, one could discover new...life.

Suppose you found yourself bored with life or simply feeling like you've "been there, done that." But instead sinking into self-pity or becoming miserable you looked at this as an opportunity. Since regular life has become less attractive, less demanding of your attention, maybe instead of becoming depressed, you looked deeper into things, beyond the day to day living. If you could stay present and not make judgments about how life should be and just be with the...boredom, maybe there is something else that life wants to show you.

Anyway, that's what I'm thinking. Not that I don't have enough to keep me busy, but, maybe if what is out there that does keep me busy becomes less interesting, maybe I will dig a little deeper. Maybe I will listen a little closer to the silence that I know keeps calling me.

When life begins to suck, that is not the time to complain. I think that's the time to listen. When life sucks it's actually helping you to listen, or at least trying to get your attention.

Nothing Ever Happens By Chance

A few months ago I met a woman that I really liked. We seemed to have a lot in common and shared similar values. On our third date we had a disagreement about whether or not things happened by chance. I said that nothing happens by chance. She said she never wanted to see me again.

Because of the ending of that relationship I ended up back in Vietnam. Had she not dumped me I would have stayed here in Rhode Island for the winter. A few weeks into my trip to Vietnam I knew I was meant to be there. I absolutely knew that I had to be there. (See my travel blog at Vietnam trip.) Nothing happens by chance, not even a pretty girl telling you to take a hike.

Time after time these past few months I have been amazed to see every little thing come into place as if I were dancing a dance perfectly stepping into my spot on the dance floor. Things that I used to think were happening at random became so obvious that there was some clear intelligence operating behind the scenes. I could see that everything was happening according to some kind of organization.

I don't want to say that we live in a predestined world, that fate controls everything we do or say. It's not that at all. It's much more complicated. It is as if each of us live multi-dimensional lives. There is more going on in the universe, in our lives, than we can ever imagine. Just know that not one tiny detail in your life is random and inconsequential. Everything serves a purpose, maybe for you, maybe for someone else. Whatever. Everything is perfect. Everything.

Knowing this requests just one thing from us: watch. Don't let these events pass unnoticed. Enjoy the synchronicity of it all. Enjoy the dance. Nothing by chance. The more I witness the purpose behind life the more satisfying my life is.

Lessons From Vietnam

Friday Day One: I know that I was meant to come back here. I know this because I want to come home. No, I'm not coming home, but I have that sick feeling inside that I've experienced the last two times I came.

I am meant to be here to continue the lessons I've been learning over the past year. I can feel this strongly. This trip is not about learning to teach, helping the poor, or getting away from the cold. Being away from home and away from my simple routines I am faced with fact that what I have, who I am, where I am, and what I do is never enough. I always want whatever it is that isn't. Is this the natural human condition?

I think I'm getting tired enough to surrender.

Saturday Day Two: Oh boy, last night was tough. Oh, the fear came rushing in. It is not a fear of anything in particular. It's just fear and it makes me want to get out of here. It is purely irrational. But it is real. All I could do was look at it and ask "who is it that is feeling this fear?"

That seemed to help because I couldn't answer that question. I also worked on just accepting it for what it was and not try to change anything. That took the edge off, but didn't change the raw emotion of it. I am certainly here to look at this unnamed fear, whatever it is. I took another sleeping pill. I had stayed awake all day so I expected the pill to knock me right out. No such luck, I was awake most of the night. I put in my ear plugs and at least I didn't have to listen to the noise outside.

Whatever the case, I made it through my first big test. A couple more days here and I think I will be past the danger zone. I am very interested to see what this fear thing is. It is so strange because I'm not a fearful person. If I were I wouldn't have gone to all the places I've been (and dated some of the women that I've dated).

Sunday Day Three: The fear and anxiety comes when I go to bed. Strong, but not quite as bad as the night before. I practice Eckhart Tolle instructions for awareness and welcome the fear. I do not try to make it go away but accept it. I am curious, I have no idea why I have it or where it comes from. Embracing the fear works and slowly it dissolves, only to be replaced with what I can only describe as an examination of conscience. I begin looking at my life and truthfully see my selfishness and striving to find happiness. It doesn't feel negative or condeming, just a recognition of my lack of letting go and resisting what life gives to me.

This goes on for about an hour and I fall asleep for an hour only to wake up and start the process over again until morning. I sense God saying that bringing me to Vietnam and having my time zones completely reversed was the only way he could get my attention. I am held captive. Not in a bad sense. I feel The spiritual doctor working on me. Not pleasant. But the pain is tolerable.

I would come home in a New York second but I am absolutely certain that I am meant to be here. Pain or no pain. All I can do is embrace the unknown fear and be present. This is hard work. I thought I was way above this but I'm not.

Facing Fears

I have decided to go back to Vietnam and face my fears. I believe that it was a mistake to come back here two weeks ago. I believe that being severely jet lagged and sleep deprived influenced my decision to think up all the reasons why I needed to come home.



That being said, it was a good thing that I did come home. The lessons that I learned are still very valid. And I will not forget them. I have learned much through this conversation about going or not going. In the end, I have to go, I don't have a choice, I must at the very least face my fears of going back to Saigon. But I'm going back prepared!

I'm packing a bottle of melatonin to help me get to sleep the first few nights. I've read tons of articles about overcoming jet lag and this makes the most sense. I will use my Ipod and soothing meditation music to drown out the noises of the city. I'll rest on the plane and hydrate myself. These are all things I didn't do before.

As Marlin Lindsay told me:

Just do it, or not! Either way you will be fine or not, it's your choice. If you decide not to, be prepared to let it go and allow the universe to call you. "Be still and know that I am" said the scriptures.

There you go. There I go. There we all go.