Choices, Now and in the Future

It only works in the present moment. We can't make a change and think that it will last. Why? Because it only works in the present moment.

Wouldn't we all like to, for instance, choose not to eat refined carbohydrates any more? Or choose to stop wasting time, or energy? Think of all the things you would like to change. Why can't we once and for all make a choice and be done with it? Why do we commit to a new diet today only to go off it tomorrow? Because we live only in the present. We do not and cannot live in both the present and the future.

I was thinking about an unhappy event today. I wanted to just let it go and be done with it. My mind wanted to keep going over what a rotten thing this person had done. But I wanted no more of it. Right then and there I said good bye to the thoughts. And I realized that while that could work for the moment, later on those same thoughts would come back. Why? Because we can only choose for the present moment, we cannot choose for the future. We don't live there.

Want to make changes in your life? Once isn't enough. We must choose every day until the change becomes real. I guess life is a little more challenging than we'd like it to be.

The Romance of Illusions

I was thinking today about not being young any more and not being ambitious like I once was (like when I started my business). For a while I was thinking what a shame that I don't have the drive to do more (not the same as energy). I am definitely on some sort of cruise control or something. I don't want to make more money or have more success.

Today at the beach I read the following by Joseph Conrad from his short story Youth: "...our faces marked by toil, by deceptions, by success, by love; our weary eyes looking still, looking always, looking anxiously for something out of life, that while it is expected is already gone--has passed unseen, in a sigh, in a flash--together with the youth, with the strength, with the romance of illusions."

Is it possible that with the passing of our youth we also lose the romance of illusions? If that is true as Conrad seems to be saying then what is going on in my life can be a good thing. Maybe I'm not driven to get more out of life, the more being a simple illusion. Maybe by letting go of the toil, deceptions, and success, I am moving beyond illusions into something more real.

My youth is gone (most of us still have our strength) but with it are the illusions and the pain and the crap that comes with it. The world wants us to think that we need to make more money and buy more things to be happy. But this is a lie so that they can have more money and buy more things. Romancing the illusions has been a wonderful learning experience for most of us. But now, I choose to sit by the seashore, watching the play of waves in wonderment. Let some kids, while they are still young, enjoy the toil and live the romance and strive for the success. It's life.

Wanting

I swear to God, if I were given three wishes, I'd use up two of them to help me not want any more. I'd keep one wish in reserve, just in case I wanted my wanting back. But, geez, there is so much wanting in life, life would be some much more enjoyable without wanting.

Actually, while my wanting is still running in high gear (along with my passions for this and that) I am much more aware of the wanting process. I notice my wanting instead of just being my wanting. And that's an important distinction. Somehow, when I notice my wanting it doesn't feel frustrating any more. It feels...like it's someone else's wanting. And maybe at that point it is.

Either way, I think I'm exhausting my supply of wanting in this life time. I don't want wanting any more. I'm done wanting. I just want to be. Does that count as wanting? Probably.

Providing Shade In August

There comes a time when you just are not supposed to do a lot. For trees it's winter. For me it's this summer. Learning to just be. To check in once in a while and watch my breath. Even better, watching the waves play with the sand on the shore. More peace and simple happiness these days than in years past. I could get used to this.

I notice things more than I used to. Got upset the other day at the gym when someone changed the channel to Fox News. Became aware of how my ego played its part in all of that. Why do I have to be invested in being right and the right (Republicans) being wrong? It is what it is. I don't know what is right and wrong (I know that sounds like relativism, but how do we know the truth?). I want to love what is.

It's all a process and it takes time to grow a tree. I am a tree. It's taken years to establish a strong root system. The tree is big enough and the branches bearing limbs and leaves. Fruit has been picked...hopefully still more to come. At this point in my life providing shade seems like a useful way to be. That's a perfect metaphor for my life now that action (bearing fruit) isn't such a priority.

I am a tree bearing leaves providing shade for all who find themselves sitting under my branches. Feel the soft gentle breeze?