Go sell all that you have

I had a great conversation with a friend of mine in the gym this morning. We shared that both of us had a number of religious experiences and had a strong faith in God. Dick being very Catholic and I being very... eclectic (Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, etc). Both of our lives had been changed by our experiences.

Driving home the saying of Jesus from the Bible came into my head, "go sell all that you have and come follow me." I was thinking that if I had real faith would I need all the money in my savings account? How much faith in God taking care of me do I really have? I have faith but not enough to really trust God.

Go sell all that you have.

I'm not ready to do that yet, but I can begin by exploring that statement and wonder why I don't have more trust in the Universe taking care of all my needs. Just thinking about that seems to create more faith. I want to have enough faith that I could sell all that I have. Why not?

Appreciating Walking

I am 56 years old and I joined my daughter's boyfriend's softball team last week. During practice before my third game I pulled my right calf muscle. In warm up I stretched every muscle in my body except my calf muscle.I limped off the field. My dad had come to see me play, just like in high school.

I'm home today struggling to move around the house. I go outside to get the mail, limping, taking baby steps. I hope my neighbors are not watching. Walking slowly I hear the birds signing. I see the green of the leaves on the trees. I remember what it was like to walk without pain.

One minute I am running on the baseball field feeling like a kid again. Nothing feels as good as swinging a baseball bat or catching a fly ball. The next minute I walk off the field an old man. Tomorrow or maybe by Saturday I'll be young again. Things change every day.

I Don't Know

Here is a new perspective: I don't know. Randomly opening up Eckhart Tolles' book I came across the the idea that to not know is not confusing, only thinking that you should know. It is alright to not know.

My world is filled with not knowing these days. I don't know what I'm going to do for a new career (I'm giving teaching English as a second language in Vietnam a try), I don't know who I will ever find to come with me as a life partner (I can't even imagine what she would look like). Those are the two biggies, what to do and who to do it with. The interesting thing is I'm okay with it. Part of me wants to be active about doing something. But that doesn't feel quite right.

What I really hear the universe (or God) telling me is to get comfortable in the not knowing. Be in that place of "don't know." That is a good place to be for a while, maybe all the while. Today I kept that idea in mind and I stayed in the present moment more than usual. I guess not knowing does that to ya. How will all of this play out? I don't know.

Tim Russert

Tim Russert, the host of Meet the Press and NBC political commentator, died on Friday. He was 58. I liked Russert because in an age when news commentators are more about promoting their own agenda's, he was fair and unbiased. He appeared to totally love his work and always did it with a huge smile. He made a difference.

Seeing all the clips and conversations on television this weekend made me think more about life and careers. Why can't we all have jobs that we approach with the passion and enthusiasm that Russert had? It seems to me that I have been wasting a lot of time and education. After spending years in school and getting degrees the only thing I've been capable of doing is traveling and reading, with a little writing thrown in on the side.

Thinking about a career change these past few weeks, becoming a teacher of English as a second language, it is time for me to get off my ass and start helping people. And to do it with passion and love. Whatever it is, I have to be more like Russert and less like I have been for most of my life. There is no excuse for not making life better for other people.

The Long Emergency

What happens if the world runs out of oil? That is the question asked in the book I just finished called The Long Emergency: Surviving the End of Oil by James Howard Kunstler. He believes that we are near the end of a unique time in human history when nature provided a very cheap source of energy. We are coming to the end of oil.

The book was written two years ago when oil was $50 a barrel. I imagine now, at over $130 he is saying, "I told you so." If the law of supply and demand is correct, and price is determined by the amount of supply available to the amount of demand, my guess is that Kunstler is correct that we have indeed begun to run low on the amount of oil out there. We've already past our peak here in America and it seems that the Middle East has too. If this is the case, we have only just begun to see high gas prices.

So where does this leave us if Kunstler is right? Well, I plan on learning more about growing my own food. I plan on spending less and saving more. I plan on getting used to not eating animals or animal products because with out oil for fertilizer that is going to get very expensive. I'm going to read more on passive solar heating, maybe a greenhouse for winter veggies. Certainly a smaller car next time around. I think we should begin to think about simplifying our lives. Things are about to change.

Kunstler argues that we Americans don't worry about running out of oil because we expect someone to invent something when we need it, but he says that so far we aren't even close. It would be better to be prepared for hard times than to be taken by surprise. Since I like to have a holistic perspective on life I will keep what he says in mind. Maybe we will come up with some wonderful alternative to fossil fuel and maybe we won't. Actually, life wouldn't be so bad if we had to go back to the old ways of living. Living the good life, as Scott Nearing used to call it. I bet there would be a lot less need for therapists. We'd all be too busy growing our own food and trying to keep warm to get depressed about it.

Anyhow, the book is a good read, very interesting, and has proven to be a good prediction of the future. It can't hurt to be forewarned.

It's a Lot of Little Things

A good friend of mine died on Sunday. He was white water rafting with his two boys, fell out of the raft, swam back to the boat, and had a massive heart attack. He was 53. When I received the call I said I was surprised he lived so long.

I met Walter in Mexico. We became fast friends. We almost bought a bar in Cancun that week. Instead I taught him the cabinet business and we became partners in a new store I opened in Massachusetts. Walter was really fun to be with. One of the most likable people I'd ever met. The trouble was, he loved to take drugs, drink, and eat.

After a few years of being Walter's friend I had to part ways. I knew that if I didn't I'd end up dead, just as I was sure he would. I changed my life, my friends, my address, just about everything. Walter didn't, and now he's dead. Cutting the lawn today I asked myself why did I change and Walter didn't?

I know the biggest reason for me was that I didn't want to leave my kids without a father. So, was it love? I don't know, I believe Walter loved his kids, too. I know that my belief that God could help me, did help me. I think Walter believed that, too. I found other things to do that were satisfying. I went back to school. I took dance lessons. I learned to fly an airplane. I did so many things I have to wonder if I'm still running away from the life that eventually killed my friend.

Maybe I was running at one time, but it doesn't feel that way anymore. I pretty much feel at home, peaceful with my life now. So I ask myself, how did I get here and Walter didn't? The answer came quietly with the lawnmower chewing away, the birds sitting on my garden fence, the sun tanning my naked head. It was the same soft voice that saved my life about twenty years ago and told me to start taking violin lessons, that I was miserable because I didn't have anything useful to do. I couldn't have heard God's voice any clearer that day if He had come down and did all kinds of miracles. This time He didn't have to be so forceful because I'd learned how to listen to Him.

Here is what I heard: It takes a lot of little things.

I'm alive and Walter is dead because of a lot of little things. My mom bought me Hardy Boy books and I learned to love reading. My ex-wife told me about a book that Oprah was recommending. A janitor in college told me I should go to the prayer meetings at the Catholic Center. I had two really bad bosses so I had to start my own business to keep my sanity. There are a million "events" in our lives that make us who we are and determine who we become.

The lesson in all this for me is that each day I have an opportunity, no, more than an opportunity, a responsibility, to make my life more meaningful. There is not going to be one big thing that turns my world around. It is all the little choices I make every minute of every day. Brick by brick we build the people that we are.

It's funny because I was never one who could cram for an exam at the last minute or stay up all night writing that paper. I always did it a little each day. I always thought it was because I have ADD or something. No, it's living life one minute at a time, taking one little step towards heaven. Don't bother buying that lottery ticket. Plant a seed, now, right now. And grow.

Walter, I know you're reading this...I love ya and miss ya. I'll see you next time around, we'll do it differently.

The Value of Being Curious

I am on the plane returning home from Viet Nam and we hit turbulence. It's bad and it doesn't stop. I hate flying, the thought of being five miles above the earth in a tin bus with wings is unsettling. I sweat even when there is a light chop. I try not to think about dying at times like this.

But this time I tried something I've learned from reading Eckhart Tolle. I started observing myself, saying, "Oh, look, I'm scared. My heart is beating faster. I think I'm going to die." I made myself curious about what I was feeling. And a funny thing happened. While I was observing myself, the fear went away.

Maybe my mind was too busy being curious to allow scary thoughts. But that doesn't seem to be enough of a reason. I think it was objectifying of the situation, the separating of the me from the I. There was the I that was looking at the my fear. At that point I stopped being fear and started looking at it as something outside of myself. And the fear just dissolved.

I tried that yesterday when I had a craving to buy a steak and onion sandwich from D'Angelo's. Instead of resisting the urge, which I usually would do to no avail, I allowed myself to feel the wanting and look at it. I didn't push the idea away, I accepted it and let it be there. I looked at the desire as an object, separate from myself. Not fighting it. The inner emotion of wanting seemed to dissolve. I ended up making a large salad instead.

Wouldn't it be a wonderful thing if we could lose our fears and cravings simply by accepting them, looking at them, making friends with them. I think we can.

The American War

In America we called it The Viet Nam War. In Viet Nam they call it the American War. Isn't that a matter of perspective? America's role in the war cost millions of Vietnamese lives. And yet, here I am in Viet Nam welcomed like a brother. America liberated the French in World War Two. And yet, when I have gone to France I have always felt like an unwanted intruder.

My experience of the French is that they are not a very happy people. And the Vietnamese are just the opposite. I wonder if it has anything to do with war. I wonder if it has anything to do with autonomy. I wonder if we should let people take care of themselves, both as nations and as individuals.

In my training as a therapist we are taught not to give clients answers, but give them the tools to find the answers themselves. Wouldn't the world, our country, our towns, our homes, our places of work, our schools, be much better off if we all could be more therapeutic?

How Do I Know I'm Not My Body?

I woke up this morning and started doing my meditation where I ask myself who am I? I have a body, but I'm not my body. I have thoughts, but I'm not my thoughts. Etc. Then, so who am I? Ending with I am awareness, I am the space in which my body, thoughts, etc., arise.

I thought all of this is good, but how do I know I'm not my body? Maybe I am and all this is just fooling myself. So I began to think how could I know that I'm not really my body. Well, if I were to have my finger cut off, would I be any less of who I am? No, not at all. I would still be me totally. What if I lost my arm. No, I would miss my arm and feel really, really bad, but I'd still be me.

What if I lost both arms and legs? Now I'd feel really shitty, but, yes, I would still be totally me.

What if they could remove all my body except my head, put me on some kind of life support system, would I still be me? Of course, I'd have my thoughts, feelings, etc. I would still be totally me.

Then what if they removed my face, mouth, ears? What if all that was left of me was my brain? Would I still be me. Yeah, but it wouldn't be a lot of fun. What would I do but think?

Okay, what if then they started cutting off pieces of my brain? Well, then I might have trouble thinking about certain things, but I'd still be me. How far would they have to go before I couldn't think at all? And at what point would I not be me?

If I had lost my body and nearly all my brain, I guess losing a little more brain wouldn't matter, I'd still be me. When you put it this way, I really have to say, I'm not my body. I'm something very different from the flesh and bones that carry me around.

If I'm not my body, who am I?

I'm awareness. I'm the space that allows my body, my thoughts, my feelings, emotions, desires, to arise. I'm consciousness.

A New Earth

Reading has always been my preferred mode of learning. And I read a lot. Recently that has changed.

I am desperately trying to learn new recipes for preparing raw meals. I've got about a half dozen cookbooks, but I was getting nowhere until I borrowed a DVD from my daughter Gina. The DVD was a demonstration about making raw food dishes by Alissa Cohen. Something happened to me watching the video. It wasn't just seeing it done, somewhere deeper than my intellect I knew that I could do this. And I did. I'm making raw food dishes all over the place now.

At about the same time this was happening I started watching the online classes that Ekhart Tolle and Oprah have been doing on Tolle's new book, A New Earth. Now, I've read his first book, The Power of Now, about six times, one page at a sitting, slowly, meditatively. It has been an important part of my personal developmental process.

Watching Ekhart and Oprah exchange ideas about the book is having an impact on me far greater than just reading. I'm not sure why. Maybe seeing, like watching the cooking DVD, is bringing the information to a deeper level. Maybe the seeing bypasses the mind and thinking process and gets us at our core selves. Whatever it is, Tolle's teachings are having a much more profound affect on me than his books. If this is the case universally, then the human race is in for an exciting ride in the near future because what Oprah is doing with this live web cast is only just the beginning. As it is, almost anything you want to see is now available on YouTube. And it is only going to get bigger and bigger. Yes, folks, there is a new earth coming.

It is probably no coincidence that I just bought my first webcam for my computer. Now I use Skype to call to my son in New York and Mike in Tortolla. Seeing them live on the screen is so much better than just hearing them. Now using a regular phone seems so...boring. Maybe it will be that way someday with learning. It will be common to involve all of our senses. I think we as a race are evolving past the mind stage, becoming more holistic and using our deeper selves to comprehend new worlds.

By the way, if you are not watching the classes that Oprah has put on line with Ekhart Tolle, you are missing something really important. Don't get left behind. Go to Oprah.com and download the classes there for free. You don't have to have read the book to get a lot out of it. For me, my life has already changed and I've only seen the first two and a half shows. I keep saying to myself, "oh, I get it now." The result is that I am definitely living my daily life now at a more conscious level. Something happens and I go right to being aware of what is happening instead of getting caught up in it. I love it! Makes life a lot more enjoyable.

In The Shadow of the Volcano

I am staying here in Nicaragua for four weeks. I run five miles every morning in the shadow of several active volcanoes. It is hard to miss them and this part of the country is known as the "ring of fire." I enjoy seeing the smoke coming from them. On one, Volcan Telika, I stood on the crater's edge and looked into the smokey abyss. My thoughts today are on the meaningfulness of both the structure of the volcano and the empty hole that I was looking down.

I am reading two books right now that deal with the mind. They seem to be saying the complete opposite of each other. One says that we need to use the mind to improve our lives. The other says that the mind and all its activity causes us to miss our real lives. So which is right? Makes me think of the volcano. What makes the volcano? The large cone or the empty hole that the cone forms? Seems to me you can't have one without the other. I guess that's my holistic perspective at work.

Our lives are much better when we use our thoughts to mold our perspective on what is happening to us. After all, we need to use our minds to have a holistic perspective on life. We can use our minds to find the good in things that at first appear bad. We can focus on improving our lives, being loving and kind, we even use our minds to meditate.

At the same time we need the emptiness of the volcano's cone. We need that vast space where we cannot see what will happen next. We need the adventure and even danger that the gases bring up from deep within. That is where we can find our creativity, our energy, our source of strength.

I think our lives require us to make space for space, to quiet our thoughts and be with that darkness of not knowing for a while every day. I think then we will find that we can use our minds in a much more productive and helpful way.

When I stood at the crater's edge I was scared. My mind threw out thoughts like...suppose the ledge gives way, what a way to die! And another thought...how freaking beautiful all of this is! And then I just stood there, not thinking, standing in awe, taking it all in to somewhere deep inside of me. We need to stand at the crater's edge of our lives and take it all in, as often as we can. I want to use my mind and I want to use my stilled mind. I want my life to have the strong structure of the volcano and I want to pull out from the depths of the earth all the molten goop that simmers down below. It begins to sound like the shadows of our unconscious...and that might be a good thing.

Success requires living moment by moment

Sitting in my hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand, I recently had some time to reflect on things after spending five weeks in Southeast Asia. I was thinking about how easy it was to forget about being self-aware, being conscious, living on purpose. I barely took the time to mediate and make healthy food choices. Why? This is what I wrote:

"If we want to live the lives that we dream of we must be diligent. It requires almost constant attention to our thoughts and choices. We can't expect to succeed in life and living if we do not every moment be aware of what we are doing and thinking. Moment by moment we shape our lives, our bodies, our emotions. Not day by day, or week by week, but moment by moment. We must be conscious of what we are doing and thinking.

"There are tricks and skills that can be learned to help this happen. No universal skills, each of us have our own personal preferences that work best for ourselves. For me, I get inspired by books. The more I read, the more they remind me of what I can do and be. It doesn't require long hours of reading, in fact, many short readings work best. I am also motivated and helped to stay on track by talking to other people and hearing what they do."

So, tomorrow I leave for Nicaragua. I am determined to eat raw foods and avoid dead animals. I realize that it is not going to happen on its own, I have to make the effort. I have to make my life in reality what I have determined in my mind what I would like it to be. It is one thing to know what to do, it is another to do it. I know that I have relied for too long on my mind to get things done. Knowing is not enough. I believe I have to enlist my emotions now, which brings me back to having a holistic perspective. To live life fully it requires using our body, mind, emotions, and spirit. The next four weeks will be a test.

By the way, if anyone is interested, my second book Spanish Lessons: A Midlife Adventure in Search of Meaning is available on Amazon. If you do read it please post a review on Amazon.