Lessons From Vietnam

Friday Day One: I know that I was meant to come back here. I know this because I want to come home. No, I'm not coming home, but I have that sick feeling inside that I've experienced the last two times I came.

I am meant to be here to continue the lessons I've been learning over the past year. I can feel this strongly. This trip is not about learning to teach, helping the poor, or getting away from the cold. Being away from home and away from my simple routines I am faced with fact that what I have, who I am, where I am, and what I do is never enough. I always want whatever it is that isn't. Is this the natural human condition?

I think I'm getting tired enough to surrender.

Saturday Day Two: Oh boy, last night was tough. Oh, the fear came rushing in. It is not a fear of anything in particular. It's just fear and it makes me want to get out of here. It is purely irrational. But it is real. All I could do was look at it and ask "who is it that is feeling this fear?"

That seemed to help because I couldn't answer that question. I also worked on just accepting it for what it was and not try to change anything. That took the edge off, but didn't change the raw emotion of it. I am certainly here to look at this unnamed fear, whatever it is. I took another sleeping pill. I had stayed awake all day so I expected the pill to knock me right out. No such luck, I was awake most of the night. I put in my ear plugs and at least I didn't have to listen to the noise outside.

Whatever the case, I made it through my first big test. A couple more days here and I think I will be past the danger zone. I am very interested to see what this fear thing is. It is so strange because I'm not a fearful person. If I were I wouldn't have gone to all the places I've been (and dated some of the women that I've dated).

Sunday Day Three: The fear and anxiety comes when I go to bed. Strong, but not quite as bad as the night before. I practice Eckhart Tolle instructions for awareness and welcome the fear. I do not try to make it go away but accept it. I am curious, I have no idea why I have it or where it comes from. Embracing the fear works and slowly it dissolves, only to be replaced with what I can only describe as an examination of conscience. I begin looking at my life and truthfully see my selfishness and striving to find happiness. It doesn't feel negative or condeming, just a recognition of my lack of letting go and resisting what life gives to me.

This goes on for about an hour and I fall asleep for an hour only to wake up and start the process over again until morning. I sense God saying that bringing me to Vietnam and having my time zones completely reversed was the only way he could get my attention. I am held captive. Not in a bad sense. I feel The spiritual doctor working on me. Not pleasant. But the pain is tolerable.

I would come home in a New York second but I am absolutely certain that I am meant to be here. Pain or no pain. All I can do is embrace the unknown fear and be present. This is hard work. I thought I was way above this but I'm not.

Facing Fears

I have decided to go back to Vietnam and face my fears. I believe that it was a mistake to come back here two weeks ago. I believe that being severely jet lagged and sleep deprived influenced my decision to think up all the reasons why I needed to come home.



That being said, it was a good thing that I did come home. The lessons that I learned are still very valid. And I will not forget them. I have learned much through this conversation about going or not going. In the end, I have to go, I don't have a choice, I must at the very least face my fears of going back to Saigon. But I'm going back prepared!

I'm packing a bottle of melatonin to help me get to sleep the first few nights. I've read tons of articles about overcoming jet lag and this makes the most sense. I will use my Ipod and soothing meditation music to drown out the noises of the city. I'll rest on the plane and hydrate myself. These are all things I didn't do before.

As Marlin Lindsay told me:

Just do it, or not! Either way you will be fine or not, it's your choice. If you decide not to, be prepared to let it go and allow the universe to call you. "Be still and know that I am" said the scriptures.

There you go. There I go. There we all go.

To Go Or Not To Go: Feedback

I have not made up my mind to return to Vietnam. But I have come to realize that it's not about the choice, it's about the process. I've made many trips in my life, this would be just one more. I am learning a lot about life and myself as I figure out my next move, or not move.

I want to thank everyone who has expressed their thoughts to me. My children and sister and parents have told me clearly to stay home. Imagine if they said go, who needs ya. I'm very blessed to have the family I have and receive so much love from them.

A number of friends told me to stay, that they thought I might be having some mental emotional problems and that I might want to consider getting some help. I can see where they would want that for me.

My close friend Mike Ryan told me to identify the real fear that I have. Excellent. I think that hits the core of the issue.

And then my nephew Ralph really gave me something to chew on. This is from his email:

Hi Uncle Frank,

I am in Cambodia, I have a position restoring coral and farming giant clams to restock the reefs. It is with an organization called Marine Conservation Cambodia, back to a tropical island!

As far as actually making decisions, I think you have way too many options.

(Travel) is a process, a necessary process. 'I travel because I must' is the beginning, the name of the album, and the driving force to leave. Then the fun challenges come, the rewards, then the loneliness. What is next? Do you know? I think you may not give yourself the chance to discover what comes next for you. As far as your development, you keep on starting the record and pulling it off the player before you listen to the whole album. If you want to own that record, I suggest you not give yourself the option of stopping it before you have experienced the whole thing. It may not sound nice halfway into it, but what if you had no choice, there was no such thing as changing tickets, you would have to wait it out and take what comes. You travel with limitless options, no one on this earth could decide what is the right choice with all those options.

Listen to the whole album or let it go.

That struck a strong cord in me.

I loved this from my friend Joanne Myszkowski:

We've kept a small framed plaque in our home for 20 years: "A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for." This statement has guided us through some of the most difficult decisions in our lives. Do what you must, and God be with you.

And another gym friend Richard Herriott:

Your conflicted dilemma regarding staying home or returning to Vietnam appears to have a solution as embedded in your writings. During your life you have consistently rejected Thanatos and faced your fears " head on " with your objective to be " victorious " . Eros is a strong force driving your personal nature which is fed and strengthened through travel and new experiences. Returning to Vietnam and obtaining a " Global Teaching Certificate " can have a positive impact on your travels to other Countries with the ability to teach. " Travel -you must " and six weeks in Vietnam can contribute to travel and life enhancing experiences for years to come !

All in all I think I made a mistake coming home the last time. I made a decision that I did not want to teach English at a time when I was extremely sleep deprived and irrational. I do want to teach, I at least want to give it a try. Now I have to decide if I want to go back and try again. As Ralphie says, "listen to the whole album or let it go."

Life or Death

I do not want to go back to Vietnam. The thought of going back to the noise and bustle of Saigon scares the shit out of me. So why go? Why in the world even think about it? I've made my peace with that part of the world. God gave me a get out of jail card free. Been there done that more than once.

In psychology there is the idea of two forces in human nature: thanatos and eros. Thanatos is the death drive and eros is the life force. Sigmond Freud and later Ken Wilber wrote about them. Both contain the notion of a pulling, driving force. We can be drawn to or by these powerful aspects of the human condition. They are something both inside and outside of ourselves.

The idea to return to Vietnam was not my idea. I wanted to go to someplace easy, like Mexico. Instead, I find myself purchasing tickets to the place that just a week ago I was fleeing. I may be crazy but I'm not stupid.

The only way I can even begin to explain what is going on here is to discuss eros and thanatos. My experience of travel for the most part has been thanatos, a death drive, fear, I must go home. The lesson has not been learned. If I cannot bring eros, life, into this experience, death has won.

Ever try scuba diving? The first time you try to breathe underwater is frightening. I learned to scuba dive because I didn't want to be scared. I used to have a terrible fear of flying. So I learned how to fly and got my pilots licence. I am not afraid to breathe underwater or fly in a plane anymore. Eros won, thanatos lost.

Eros is calling me back to Vietnam. I'm not going back to change the world or help the poor or get out of the cold. Life is calling. Death would have me stay safe at home and enjoy my easy life.

I opened my Bible up at random this morning and my eyes fell on these words from Sirach 34: I have seen much in my travels, learned more than ever I could say. Is the Universe trying to tell me something?

If I had my choice, I'd have a job here that I loved and a life partner. I'd live in a cozy house and watch movies with my sweetheart after a hard day's work. But, that is not what life has given me.

I don't believe all that much in free will these days. I think we are driven by forces way beyond our control and understanding. This isn't a bad thing because those forces are kind and protective. It is Love itself that pushes us to places we would never go, to discover lands we would never see, with people we would never meet.

So, I will follow the words of the Garth Brooks song:

You know a dream is like a river, ever changing as it flows.
And the dreamer's just a vessel that must follow where it goes.

Too many times we stand aside and let the waters slip away
Till what we put off till tomorrow has now become today.

So don't you sit upon the shoreline and say your satisfied.
Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tide.

Part of me wants to see where the river flows. The other part wants to stay home and live a quiet safe life. I've got a week to make up my mind. I will probably wait till the last minute to make a final choice about going or not. I trust that whatever happens was meant to be, nothing happens by chance.

Back To Vietnam?

"I travel because I must." Those are the words of my nephew Ralph Riccio. They could be mine as well. Yesterday I searched for flights to Mexico. My idea was to spend 3 or 4 weeks in Puerto Vallarta. That would be a comfortable escape from the cold New England winter. I wouldn't be gone too long. But I couldn't find any flights that made sense to me.

I woke up this morning and checked my email. Among them were two from the language school in Saigon that I was supposed to attend. The first was a invitation to a welcome dinner to meet fellow trainees and staff. The second email provided information on orientation for the course that begins February 2.

Returning to Vietnam was the last thing on my mind as I woke up this morning. So why did I get up out of bed and check flights back to Saigon, saying to myself, "well, maybe if they are cheaper, maybe I just might consider going back." Take a moment and breathe. Take more than a moment, take a month until this whole thing passes over. I am not a crazy person.

"I travel because I must."

It didn't help that the airline tickets were half the price that they were back in early January. Why am I even considering going back? Haven't I learned my lessons.?

Well, I wouldn't mind just having that certificate to teach English as a foreign language. I've already paid the $1200 for the course. And most of my accommodations are already paid for. Hum...

What will he do?

"I travel because I must." Damn it Ralph, did you have to tell me that?

God, You Could Have Told Me

"So God, you could have told me not to make the trip to Vietnam and saved me $3400. I specifically asked you if I should go. You didn't say anything so I used my best judgment. Why didn't you warn me that I'd want to come back so soon?

"You wouldn't have listened."

"You could have shouted, spoken more clearly. I wouldn't have gone if you told me not to," I replied.

And God said, "So tell me what you have learned from the whole thing."

I took a long time to think about it. You know God doesn't mind if you take your time in answering Him. "Well, I learned that I'd rather be cold with friends and family than warm with strangers. I learned that it's not my job to change the world or even to make sure that Vietnamese kids learn English. I learned that I'll never be happy living somewhere by myself and that teaching English isn't my vocation. I'd rather play my fiddle than learn another language."

"What else did you get out of your trip?" God pressed on.

"Well, I feel that a burden has been lifted. I don't feel like I have to live somewhere else to be happy. I have more than I need right here at home. I realize that I've been living for some future thing and not enjoying what I have right in the present, every day. I always think that the next thing is better than the current one."

And God spoke to me one more time, "Sometimes you just have to go out and find out for yourself. I can't save you from this by telling you what to do. That's why you are here on this planet, to have experiences so you can learn. Take a deep breath grasshopper, the fire of suffering becomes the light of consciousness, to quote a favorite teacher of mine."

Ain't it a hoot that you can talk to God and she talks back?

Not Wanting What You Take

This is the flip side of the blog on wanting what you get. Rest assured that you will not want what you take. I say this knowing that after so many years I should have already known this. Let me say this clearly - I am an idiot!

Laying here in my bed in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, after a second sleepless night, I can tell you that if you do something for yourself, in other words take from life instead of receive, you will not like it. I think I have been doing a good job of taking for a long time. How do I know? Because most of what I have taken has been so unsatisfying. My current travels a case in point. Get me outta here!

Looking back on my life it is so clear that whenever I have taken, or made things happen, I have not enjoyed what I got. On the other hand, when things happen unplanned or striven for, life is so much more wonderful. Even when those things at first appear terrible.

It seems too often I am thinking about what I want or what will make me happy and not about how I can best be of service to the universe. How many more times will I have to repeat the lesson. The good thing is that I get dissatisfied much quicker now days. I am aware of my mistakes sooner, although they make me feel stupider than if I pretended that I hadn't made them in the first place. And, they have become expensive.

It doesn't matter. Life is so lifeless when the focus is on getting for ourselves. One only has to walk the streets of Saigon to see that clearly. If I could be granted on wish right now it would be to always have in mind this lesson. Whatever we do for ourselves is wasted, and maybe even worse than that.

The Real Secret: Wanting What You Get

Personal development is not about getting what you want. It's about wanting what you get.

The conversation at a raw food potluck dinner today turned to generating abunance in our lives. God wants us to have wealth. Drawing on the teachings of The Secret, I was told that we can create unlimited happiness, health, love, and prosperity, effortlessly. We just need the intention. A lot of people believe this or want to. The idea has sold a heck of a lot of books.

So that's it. This is the secret of life. My young friend wants to invest $13,000 in a seminar that will help him become wealthy. $8,000 of that goes to the person who signs him up, and $5,000 goes to the promoters of the seminar. Out of that maybe a couple thousand actually go to putting on the seminar. Sounds like they have found the secret. Oh, the seminar is about personal development. He wanted to know my thoughts. I said it sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

That got me to thinking about what really is personal development. If we believe the people who brought us The Secret, personal development is getting what you want. How much development is that. A baby knows how to get what it wants. Just ask, if asking doesn't work, cry. And that's how most people expect God, or the Universe, to respond to them, their needs, and wants. That to me does not show any personal development at all. Asking God for things, even good things, implies that you know better and that somehow God is forgetting to give you what you need.

Here is my take on personal development: want what you get. What an interesting concept. At first blush it sounds stupid and nonsensical. How can I want what I get? I get what I get. Yes, but you can also want it. Wanting what you get implies that you understand that God, or the Universe, knows what he/she is doing. And, conversely, that you probably don't. After 56 years on this planet I do know one thing for sure. God does know what he/she is doing and I don't. That's it. That, my friends, is the secret.

So to my young friend, don't waste your time asking for what you think you need or want. You really don't know what will make you happy anyway. Try just wanting what you do get. That will keep you plenty busy. And if you can truly get to that point you will have all the happiness that you could ever have asked for.