Life or Death

I do not want to go back to Vietnam. The thought of going back to the noise and bustle of Saigon scares the shit out of me. So why go? Why in the world even think about it? I've made my peace with that part of the world. God gave me a get out of jail card free. Been there done that more than once.

In psychology there is the idea of two forces in human nature: thanatos and eros. Thanatos is the death drive and eros is the life force. Sigmond Freud and later Ken Wilber wrote about them. Both contain the notion of a pulling, driving force. We can be drawn to or by these powerful aspects of the human condition. They are something both inside and outside of ourselves.

The idea to return to Vietnam was not my idea. I wanted to go to someplace easy, like Mexico. Instead, I find myself purchasing tickets to the place that just a week ago I was fleeing. I may be crazy but I'm not stupid.

The only way I can even begin to explain what is going on here is to discuss eros and thanatos. My experience of travel for the most part has been thanatos, a death drive, fear, I must go home. The lesson has not been learned. If I cannot bring eros, life, into this experience, death has won.

Ever try scuba diving? The first time you try to breathe underwater is frightening. I learned to scuba dive because I didn't want to be scared. I used to have a terrible fear of flying. So I learned how to fly and got my pilots licence. I am not afraid to breathe underwater or fly in a plane anymore. Eros won, thanatos lost.

Eros is calling me back to Vietnam. I'm not going back to change the world or help the poor or get out of the cold. Life is calling. Death would have me stay safe at home and enjoy my easy life.

I opened my Bible up at random this morning and my eyes fell on these words from Sirach 34: I have seen much in my travels, learned more than ever I could say. Is the Universe trying to tell me something?

If I had my choice, I'd have a job here that I loved and a life partner. I'd live in a cozy house and watch movies with my sweetheart after a hard day's work. But, that is not what life has given me.

I don't believe all that much in free will these days. I think we are driven by forces way beyond our control and understanding. This isn't a bad thing because those forces are kind and protective. It is Love itself that pushes us to places we would never go, to discover lands we would never see, with people we would never meet.

So, I will follow the words of the Garth Brooks song:

You know a dream is like a river, ever changing as it flows.
And the dreamer's just a vessel that must follow where it goes.

Too many times we stand aside and let the waters slip away
Till what we put off till tomorrow has now become today.

So don't you sit upon the shoreline and say your satisfied.
Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tide.

Part of me wants to see where the river flows. The other part wants to stay home and live a quiet safe life. I've got a week to make up my mind. I will probably wait till the last minute to make a final choice about going or not. I trust that whatever happens was meant to be, nothing happens by chance.