Leaving the Comfort Zone

Tomorrow I begin my winter traveling. I'll be in Nicaragua for five weeks, come home for the holidays, and then leave for Thailand. While this may sound like a great way to get out of the cold New England winter, if you know me, this isn't as much fun as it sounds.

I have spent the better part of the last three winters traveling. Each time I go somewhere I struggle with being away from home. I miss my family and friends, my routine, my house, my food, my bed. I complain about everything. So why do I go? I don't have a choice.

I have to leave home and put myself somewhere where I do not know what will happen. Maybe I just like surprises. I stay in hostels or cheap hotels, I usually go to third world countries because I like the people there. I go to places that are warm and not far from the ocean. And I promise you, the next blog you get from me I will probably be complaining that I am terribly lonely and want to come home.

If I am lucky I'll last the five weeks and not come home early. Whatever happens I will receive a few good life lessons and my life will be richer as a result of leaving the comfort zone of my home.

If all goes well I'll spend the next five weeks studying Spanish, learning how to salsa dance, writing, reading, and discovering new things about myself. I guess I better start packing my bags.

Morning meditation: "Transformation is through the body, not away from it." Eckhart Tolle

This reminds me that if I can focus on my breath, be in the moment, I will continue to grow. You would think that growth would come from abandoning the body, but that is just not the case.

Life's a Suspense Novel

I woke up this morning thinking that I would like my life to be more exciting than it is. In other words, I wanted some drama. Then the thought came to me that I probably wouldn't have to wait too long because looking back on my life I've had plenty of drama and excitement.

The comparison to a novel came to mind. My life is a suspense novel. Right now there is a lull in the action, but that doesn't mean that important things are not happening. While I want to hurry up and turn the page, the writer of my life is developing character, characters, setting scenes, adding textures.

I think I'll try to enjoy the suspense of not knowing what will happen next. Why not, if my life were a book I'd be totally into the thrill and drama of not knowing what is going to happen. Instead of being in a rush to turn the page, I could enjoy the detail of the page I'm reading now. Soon enough a new character will appear, a new problem to be solved, who knows what danger lurks around the next corner? Might as well snuggle up with the book and enjoy the ride.

Before going to bed last night I read this in A Course in Miracles:

Heaven itself is reached with empty hands and open minds, which come with nothing to find everything.

Holistic vs. Reductionism

I'm reading a great book on the relationship between diet and disease, The China Study, by T. Colin Campbell. In one chapter he discusses his experience as a research scientist involved in understanding the connection between the food populations consume and illnesses. His work goes as far back as the late 1970's. Some of what goes on behind the scenes is fascinating.

Dr. Campbell was asked to serve on the Public Nutrition Information Committee in 1979. This was organized within the Federation of American Societies for Experimental Biology and Medicine. One of the responsibilities of the committee was to "decide what is sound nutritional advice to give to the public." The intention was to identify nutrition quackery. Campbell was the only member of that committee not to have ties to food and drug companies. The others "earned" consulting fees from various animal foods companies. After two meetings Dr. Campbell was asked to leave.

A few years later Campbell was asked to become part of the American Institute for Cancer Research. At the time there was research linking diet and cancer. However, this research was a threat to too many people. The US government even got involved and did everything they could to quash this information. Essentially, they were attacking a nonprofit organization doing cancer research. Turns out that the American Cancer Society even went after them. They did not like anyone competing with them for funds and they did not want to shift the focus of research away from medical treatment and towards a more healthy diet.

Campbell learned that the medical establishment is "in the business of treating disease with drugs and surgery after the symptoms appear." This is anything but a holistic approach. Scientific reductionism happens when the focus turns to individual nutrients instead of whole foods. Billions of dollars were spent looking at the effects of fat or individual vitamins, when they should have been looking at whole systems. It does not help to isolate chemicals and food components, taking the results out of context.

The China Study takes information from whole populations with the same genetic background and demonstrates that cancer is due to environmental and lifestyle (diet) factors. John Robbins, in his book Healthy At 100, takes a similar approach when he writes about the Hunza in Central Asia, the Abkhasia in Russia, and the Japanese of Okinawa. These people regularly live to be 100. What is it about their cultures that make them so healthy? Do you think it is a low fat diet? Or they take vitamin C pills? The answer is to be found in the whole, not the parts.

Healing Requires Forgiveness

I again woke up in the middle of the night to a voice, or maybe it was just a persistent thought. "You got the idea of healing right, now understand that healing requires that you forgive. Forgive yourself, forgive everyone that you need to forgive. Not that they need forgiveness, you need to forgive for yourself."

There is not much to add to that. This just pounds home the idea that for me right now I have to pay attention to my emotions and heart, the learning and intellectual stuff takes care of itself. Learning means nothing if I can't be healed, if I can't forgive.

The voice, or thought continued that "every time you feel unease about some person say, 'I choose to be healed, I forgive.'"

It's About Healing, Not About Understanding

I've had a bit of a breakthrough last night and this morning. I had been asking for more understanding, more explanation, more reasons for this and that. Tell me, show me, I want to understand what is going on.

I'm being aware. This can't be bad.

Suddenly last night in bed, I think it was in the middle of the night and I had awakened, I realized that it is not about having the universe and my place in it explained and made understandable. It's about healing. My life isn't about getting more knowledge and information. My life is about healing. And right then and there I knew something shifted.

So this morning and today when I felt myself feel anxious about wanting to understand my life, immediately came the thought: "ask to be healed instead." Up until last night I thought the purpose of life was to learn, now I understand it as to be healed. That changes my perspective on things.

The Push to Go Deeper

Since I returned from Denmark I have had this constant "uneasiness" hanging around me. Almost like the flu, symptoms of concern, not quite really happy, persistent thoughts about things I don't want to think about, all colored with a touch of sadness. All of this has made me spend more time reading my "spiritual consolation and direction" type books for...well, consolation. And, I've made an effort to meditate and reflect more on what is going on.

While meditating this morning I asked the question: what was the purpose of my trip to Denmark and why am I so out of whack since then? And the answer came clear as a bell: "It's time to learn how to go deeper, become stronger, develop better strengths, so that when things don't go so well you will be able to keep your spiritual perspective, and not let your compass get totally screwed up just because you hit a strong magnetic force. You need to learn how to navigate by the stars!"

It seems like an awful lot of work for such a simple lesson, but I guess God doesn't care all that much about money and expenses as long as we get the message. So, basically, I get it: My little compass has gotten me this far, and that's good. But, it is subject to malfunction in the presence of tough situations and rough seas. I need a back up. A compass to me implies an external aid, where learning to navigate by the stars is all about learning how to travel relying on...God? Is that what this is leading to? Did somebody trick me?

Back to A Course In Miracles: "Be happy, and you gave the power of decision to Him Who must decide for God for you." Fine, I'll do that, but I'm going kicking and screaming. Couldn't we just use GPS and leave God out of this? I'd rather rely on electronics...okay, I take that back, that's what got me here in the first place.

Therapy

So, I went to my therapist today and got a clean bill of health...mental health, that is. I like working with Jenny, I try to be as honest as I can and I get to find out if I'm still, as we sailors say, "between the buoys."

We discussed a situation in my life, and I knew going in not to expect any answers. That is not what therapy is about. For me, it is a chance to discuss my life and listen to another person's perspective. It helps me to see some things that I might overlook because I am either too close or maybe I don't want to see.

So, here's the deal. I am like the trapeze guy who's between bars. I can either hurry and grab onto the next one, or live in the space between for a while. I feel safe enough to stay in the space. I've learned that grabbing doesn't work in the long run.

Nothing says it all better than this from A Course In Miracles (the book I turn to when I really need help): "All that is asked of you is to make room for truth. You are not asked to make or do what lies beyond your understanding. All you are asked to do is let it in; only to stop your interference with what will happen of itself."

Can anything be better than this: a great therapist and a book that speaks directly to your heart?

Purpose, meaning, and goals

Since I returned from Denmark I have been in a bit of a funk. Not depressed or anything, but generally having a feeling of sadness. The good thing is that I've learned that when I feel like this it is best to spend more time reflecting and becoming more aware of what is going on. And when things get really painful I pick up my copy of A Course In Miracles. I can always count on that to go right to the heart of the matter. I did that on Sunday.

In the workbook, Lesson 25, I read: "I do not know what anything is for." Sound familiar? And: "Purpose is meaning. Everything is for your own best interests. That is what it is for; that is its purpose; that is what it means." I am reminded of Richard Bach when he writes: "Some of the best things that happened to me turned out to be the worst, and some of the worst things that happened to me turned out to be the best."

It's a struggle as usual, but in the pain I at least feel peace. I can live with that and even be happy about it. And somewhere in the purpose of all this is meaning.

Near the end of the lesson: "It is crucial to your learning to be willing to give up the goals you have established for everything."

I am willing. After all, I don't know what anything is for.

You know, life does give us plenty of challenges, but we are always given the choice...the easy way or the hard way. Letting go is the easy way, having to do it our way is the hard way. I'm letting go.

Going Deeper

I'm not sure if it is because I read to much, or it's my imagination, or maybe it is God pushing. But, here we go again. I am being "encouraged" to go deeper into some kind of awareness. No, encouraged isn't strong enough. I'm definitely being pushed, as in not having a choice. I'd like to yell back, "can you just leave me alone and let me do what I'm doing." But, no, now I have to be more aware. Aware of what?

I envy people who can get up in the morning, wash up, eat a normal breakfast, go to work, come home at night, have dinner, watch a little TV, and go to bed without ever having to think about anything any deeper than, "Would you like paper or plastic?" For some idiotic reason, ever since my first year in college, having that Quaker English professor who insisted on us asking questions about our values, the meaning of life, etc., I have had to dig deep into whatever it is that lies underneath our daily, normal, waking, existing, lives.

Now it's about becoming more self-aware. I can't just do things. I have to be more aware of what I am doing, and I have to be doing it for the sake of itself, not because I am trying to get somewhere. Are you following me? We are talking mindfulness . Vietnamese monk Thich NhatHanh says: "Washing the dishes to wash the dishes." Well, why else wash the dishes? I know, it's a clever way of saying be mindful, don't wash them thinking about what you are going to do next. And I guess that is what this is all about. Being with what is happening in the moment and stop living in the past or the future. I guess when you put it that way, going deeper isn't so bad or dumb.

Fine, so the new thing I am being pushed towards is being more present in the things I have to do every day, all day. That sounds a lot easier than being more aware. Although, I guess being present is being aware.

Maybe I just like to argue with God just because I like to argue. Well...I gotta go wash the dishes.

...just finished the dishes.

By the way, my book Holistic Perspectives, is listed on Amazon with a really good discount. Last time I checked they were selling it for only $13.57. You can see the listing by clicking on the amazon link on this blog.

Lessons From Denmark

There is a teaching in Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now that talks about the difference between working toward a goal and being excessively focused on that goal because you think that goal will bring you happiness, fulfillment, and a better sense of self. It is a good thing to have goals. In going to Denmark I had certain expectations, hoping for certain things to happen. They didn't.

I spent a lot of time wondering, actually begging the Universe to explain to me why I made such a long and difficult trip and investment if there was nothing to be gotten from it. I've been to Denmark before, it is a beautiful country, but not as pretty as New England in September.

I got all kinds of answers from "it was a mistake" to "next time you'll know better." In the end though, they weren't really answers at all. I've learned that I really don't know very much. And worse, as our brilliant vice-president points out, "we don't know what we don't know." That has more wisdom in it than any thing any politician has said in recent memory. We don't know what we don't know.

All of this thinking that we know what we don't know leads to being pretty miserable. Sometimes, maybe all the time, it is best to not be so attached to what we think we want. When I e-mailed my friend Mike Ryan telling him of the situation he replied: "Dude, you aren't meditating, are you? I can always tell. Go do it now. Do the one on how the root of all unhappiness is desire...You need to let go."

I did follow his advice about meditating, but I didn't do it on desire and letting go. I did it on what I thought I wanted. Am I not an idiot or what? I meditated on getting what I wanted. How stupid is that? I thought I knew what outcome would be best, so I thought I was being holistic, having a holistic perspective. I was having my own, limited perspective, is what I was having.

Tolle says that when we do that our life's journey is no longer an adventure, just an obsessive need to arrive. No longer an adventure. An obsessive need to arrive. I want my life to be an adventure. It is hard to let go, but that is the only way I will allow my life to have mystery, suspense, surprise, excitement. I want that.

We can't have it our way AND have adventure. If we did control everything that happens to us, our lives would become boring so quickly. Geez, the Red Sox would win the World Series every year. What fun would that be?

So, I'm back home in Rhode Island doing my best to do what Michael told me to do. I am going to let go and see what happens. I'll live with the not knowing. And even though it is hard not to get your own way, that is the price you pay to have the kind of quality life that I truly want to build and grow into. This letting go does feel a lot better than trying to make the world be the way I envision it should be. There is a deep sense of peace.

Poisoned in Denmark

So, I have been making fruit smoothies every morning like I usually do. Today I ran my five miles and Helen, my host here in Denmark, had them waiting when I got back. "I've used lots of elderberries that I picked by the road." She was looking so proud of her work.

I had two full glasses. A short while later I began to feel nauseous. Maybe it was just the stress of being in Denmark. Then I had to run to the bathroom with diarrhea. As we started to get in the car to go to the University I had to stop. I threw up my breakfast there on the driveway. Not long after Helen lost hers into the toilet.

That felt better so we left for her school. Half way there I felt cramps but thought I could hold it. They got worse and I asked Helen to find the nearest station. I didn't make it. Not a lot of fun washing your pants in a public bathroom, standing there in your shoes and shirt.

It turns out that elderberries contain cyanide, cooking them destroys it but raw ones are mildly poisonous. Next time someone offers me a fruit smoothie I'll check out the ingredients.

I've never been poisoned before. Hard to have a holistic perspective on that.

Magical Music In Denmark

I do not buy music that was published after the 1970's, other than Bruce Springsteen and a few others. Contemporary music does nothing for me. I am in Denmark this week and my friend Helen played for me a CD of songs that her daughter wrote and sang.

The first time through I listened to her voice and could not believe what I was hearing. I heard Barbara Streisand, Janice Joplin, Shania Twain. And I heard a young woman with soul and unearthly passion.

Then I listened a second time. The words and emotions of her singing took me by surprise and I had to hold back my tears, just barely. The third, fourth, and fifth times, I just cried. All I could think of was that I wanted to be involved in making a musical documentary about her message. I am still trying to make sense of all this.

Her name is Freja Eriksen.

Go to www.myspace.com/frejaeriksen and download "The Spring," listen to it twice and be prepared to be blown away. If the thought that the trees will stop breathing, and the sun will be gone cold, and birds not singing, and that we are the spring on hold...if that does not get to you...you may be dead.