Back To Vietnam?

"I travel because I must." Those are the words of my nephew Ralph Riccio. They could be mine as well. Yesterday I searched for flights to Mexico. My idea was to spend 3 or 4 weeks in Puerto Vallarta. That would be a comfortable escape from the cold New England winter. I wouldn't be gone too long. But I couldn't find any flights that made sense to me.

I woke up this morning and checked my email. Among them were two from the language school in Saigon that I was supposed to attend. The first was a invitation to a welcome dinner to meet fellow trainees and staff. The second email provided information on orientation for the course that begins February 2.

Returning to Vietnam was the last thing on my mind as I woke up this morning. So why did I get up out of bed and check flights back to Saigon, saying to myself, "well, maybe if they are cheaper, maybe I just might consider going back." Take a moment and breathe. Take more than a moment, take a month until this whole thing passes over. I am not a crazy person.

"I travel because I must."

It didn't help that the airline tickets were half the price that they were back in early January. Why am I even considering going back? Haven't I learned my lessons.?

Well, I wouldn't mind just having that certificate to teach English as a foreign language. I've already paid the $1200 for the course. And most of my accommodations are already paid for. Hum...

What will he do?

"I travel because I must." Damn it Ralph, did you have to tell me that?

God, You Could Have Told Me

"So God, you could have told me not to make the trip to Vietnam and saved me $3400. I specifically asked you if I should go. You didn't say anything so I used my best judgment. Why didn't you warn me that I'd want to come back so soon?

"You wouldn't have listened."

"You could have shouted, spoken more clearly. I wouldn't have gone if you told me not to," I replied.

And God said, "So tell me what you have learned from the whole thing."

I took a long time to think about it. You know God doesn't mind if you take your time in answering Him. "Well, I learned that I'd rather be cold with friends and family than warm with strangers. I learned that it's not my job to change the world or even to make sure that Vietnamese kids learn English. I learned that I'll never be happy living somewhere by myself and that teaching English isn't my vocation. I'd rather play my fiddle than learn another language."

"What else did you get out of your trip?" God pressed on.

"Well, I feel that a burden has been lifted. I don't feel like I have to live somewhere else to be happy. I have more than I need right here at home. I realize that I've been living for some future thing and not enjoying what I have right in the present, every day. I always think that the next thing is better than the current one."

And God spoke to me one more time, "Sometimes you just have to go out and find out for yourself. I can't save you from this by telling you what to do. That's why you are here on this planet, to have experiences so you can learn. Take a deep breath grasshopper, the fire of suffering becomes the light of consciousness, to quote a favorite teacher of mine."

Ain't it a hoot that you can talk to God and she talks back?

Not Wanting What You Take

This is the flip side of the blog on wanting what you get. Rest assured that you will not want what you take. I say this knowing that after so many years I should have already known this. Let me say this clearly - I am an idiot!

Laying here in my bed in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, after a second sleepless night, I can tell you that if you do something for yourself, in other words take from life instead of receive, you will not like it. I think I have been doing a good job of taking for a long time. How do I know? Because most of what I have taken has been so unsatisfying. My current travels a case in point. Get me outta here!

Looking back on my life it is so clear that whenever I have taken, or made things happen, I have not enjoyed what I got. On the other hand, when things happen unplanned or striven for, life is so much more wonderful. Even when those things at first appear terrible.

It seems too often I am thinking about what I want or what will make me happy and not about how I can best be of service to the universe. How many more times will I have to repeat the lesson. The good thing is that I get dissatisfied much quicker now days. I am aware of my mistakes sooner, although they make me feel stupider than if I pretended that I hadn't made them in the first place. And, they have become expensive.

It doesn't matter. Life is so lifeless when the focus is on getting for ourselves. One only has to walk the streets of Saigon to see that clearly. If I could be granted on wish right now it would be to always have in mind this lesson. Whatever we do for ourselves is wasted, and maybe even worse than that.

The Real Secret: Wanting What You Get

Personal development is not about getting what you want. It's about wanting what you get.

The conversation at a raw food potluck dinner today turned to generating abunance in our lives. God wants us to have wealth. Drawing on the teachings of The Secret, I was told that we can create unlimited happiness, health, love, and prosperity, effortlessly. We just need the intention. A lot of people believe this or want to. The idea has sold a heck of a lot of books.

So that's it. This is the secret of life. My young friend wants to invest $13,000 in a seminar that will help him become wealthy. $8,000 of that goes to the person who signs him up, and $5,000 goes to the promoters of the seminar. Out of that maybe a couple thousand actually go to putting on the seminar. Sounds like they have found the secret. Oh, the seminar is about personal development. He wanted to know my thoughts. I said it sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

That got me to thinking about what really is personal development. If we believe the people who brought us The Secret, personal development is getting what you want. How much development is that. A baby knows how to get what it wants. Just ask, if asking doesn't work, cry. And that's how most people expect God, or the Universe, to respond to them, their needs, and wants. That to me does not show any personal development at all. Asking God for things, even good things, implies that you know better and that somehow God is forgetting to give you what you need.

Here is my take on personal development: want what you get. What an interesting concept. At first blush it sounds stupid and nonsensical. How can I want what I get? I get what I get. Yes, but you can also want it. Wanting what you get implies that you understand that God, or the Universe, knows what he/she is doing. And, conversely, that you probably don't. After 56 years on this planet I do know one thing for sure. God does know what he/she is doing and I don't. That's it. That, my friends, is the secret.

So to my young friend, don't waste your time asking for what you think you need or want. You really don't know what will make you happy anyway. Try just wanting what you do get. That will keep you plenty busy. And if you can truly get to that point you will have all the happiness that you could ever have asked for.

Content and Form

I have recently undertaken the challenge of reading Leo Tolstoy's 1200 page classic War and Peace. I am amazed at the depth of insight revealed in his writing. Many wise thoughts and perceptions. Much of it useful in navigating life's wild, or not so wild, river. Here is one quote:

"Among the innumerable subdivisions that can be made in the phenomena of life, one can subdivide them all into those in which content predominates and those in which form predominates."

For a long time I have been aware of the important distinction between content and form. Another way of saying this would be to recognize the difference between the relative and the absolute, as in relative truth and absolute truth. Or inner purpose and outer action. Being and doing.

I am coming to realize that inner being, absolute truth, and form, must come first. Outer doing and action is secondary. In fact, if the form is correct, which means consciousness and awareness are present, then my actions will be in accord with the universe and it's unfolding.

I often ask myself what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I am beginning to understand that that is a waste of time. I will naturally be drawn to my calling if I am being present and aware. What a relief! I can't be certain if what I'm doing is God's will, but I can become more conscious, more aware, more present.

Eckhart Tolle says that there is another way to determine if what you are doing is ego driven and not your true path. If you are following your passion and it does not satisfy you, then it was your ego speaking and not God. And that insight is one of the most useful things I have learned in the past year! Why? Because it is very easy to tell what is satisfying and what is not.

Travel and See the World

We are told to travel and see the world. That is a good thing. It's educational. But for me it has been a dangerous thing.

What happens when you travel and see lots of places and decide that you would rather be there than here? It is kind of like an infection that doesn't go away. Even when you are able to move about the fever still burns underneath.

I love my home, my family, my friends. I love the city I live in, the company I own, the beach in the summer. But now, all the while I am home I wonder what is Hoa doing in Vietnam and Rocio in Ecuador, Maria Luz in Peru and Rosaria in Italy. Is Perry still drinking like crazy in Nicaragua? I miss them all and long to be somewhere else.

If only I could gather them all up and bring them home or take my family and friends to them. But I can't and that is the curse of travel. Be careful when you take off to see the world. You will lose parts of your heart. Fortunately, your heart will become much bigger and in the end, while feeling the pain of separation you will also feel the comfort of being loved.

Responsiblity and Knowing What to Do

I did another impulsive thing yesterday. I bought an airline ticket to Nicaragua. I leave in a week and come home before Christmas. So what is the problem and why have second thoughts? My dad said that if he were young and could he would too.

In my head I have to answer questions like: what, you couldn't stay home for a while? Why did you need to take off again? Don't you have anything better to do? You should save your money and take it easy. Can't you take the cold? Am I being irresponsible by being away from home so much?

I will admit it, even I think I must have an issue here. My nephew Ralphie told me in Vietnam that he travels because he must. I feel that way. I feel compelled to get away from the routine and go on an adventure, even if that adventure most likely will often involve times when I will hate what I have gotten myself into.

I admit it, I get restless, but who wouldn't, not having a job to go to? I'm told there are things I could do, but they all require giving up a large portion of my freedom. I can't do that.

Ultimately it comes down to a question of responsibility. Do I have a responsibility to stay here and do something, anything, or can I go off on these "adventures" with a clear conscience? What is my duty here? I often ask God to tell me what to do. I get answers to other questions, but not this one. Never, never am I told what to do.

Part of a prayer in A Course In Miracles says: "I do not have to worry about what to say or do because he will direct me." Fine. Direct me. So how does that happen? I have no doubt that God does direct me onto my life path, but I haven't a clue as to how, other than what my nephew said about knowing that he "must" do what he does. We do what we must and hope that we are being directed. I believe I am and accept that sometimes it feels like it's all a big mistake. But that's just the feeling at the moment, looking back I usually see purpose and perfection. It's all perfect, even our impulsiveness, our restlessness, our issues.

We all do what we must. And it's perfect.

Stop Seeking and Start Giving

A lesson from Scott Kalechstein's newsletter: There comes a time to stop seeking and start giving. Maybe I shouldn't be so worried about fixing myself and live.

Recently I've been trying hard to be a good meditator. Paying attention to my breath. But it is so hard to know when you are doing it right. In fact, it is impossible. How do I know, my mind might be wandering without me knowing it because I'm watching my breath? The thing is, we can't know concretely that we are doing a good job of being more mindful. We can only try. But we can give and live. Our actions can tell us if we are succeeding. Am I more peaceful? Do I get less aggrevated over things that happen?

I think I think too much. It is all well and good to seek the truth, to grow and learn how to be a better person. But there comes a time when the seeking has to take a back seat to the serving. If I do not do anything for other people what good is truth anyway?

I have been trying to find out what I am supposed to do next with my life. It seems to me that the next thing isn't about fixing me, but serving you. The question isn't what do I do next, it's how can I be useful.

What Crisis?

So, the world economy is in crisis. I'm told at my office that people have completely stopped buying anything because of uncertainty with the banks. The business that I've owned for 26 years faces the biggest challenge since our opening day. Do I feel any stress? Nope.

Stress is when you are not sure where your next meal is coming from. Fear is that your child may die from disease or lack of food. We do not have a crisis in our country. Crisis exists in Nicaragua, Guatemala, Honduras, Mexico, among others, countries that our corporations have milked for all that they could so that we can have the life that we live. No, we are not in crisis.

Traveling around the world has opened my eyes to the terrible crimes that our country has committed against others in the name of freedom. A lie. I see how most of the world lives and they have so much more than we do in our country and now all we can think about is ourselves.

It is interesting that the main reason we are about to elect a black president isn't because he is the best choice to lead our country, even though I believe he is, but people are voting for him because he will help them financially. It isn't our banks that are bankrupt, it is us.

Still, I am at peace because I know that the Universe has a way of taking care of things, there is justice and fairness. I believe that in the end we all get what we deserve, we reap what we sow. Crisis, are you feeling crisis? Let go of what you want and you will find peace.

Feeling Safe and in Saigon

I have learned from others and my own experience that we drawn things to ourselves. That can be good or bad. Since I have been more present, more aware of the inner me, I can feel a strong sense of being protected and blessed upon, for lack of a better word.

An example of this was yesterday. I checked out of my hotel in Saigon and forget to get my passport. (Hotels always hold it for security.) I didn't realize this until I was on the bus for Da Lat. I told the driver to let me off. They would not turn back. I was told that the hotel would send it to the bus company and I could pick it up in Da Lat tomorrow. That is not a comfortable feeling.

As I sat back in my seat the other passengers looked at me, as if saying, "good luck." I certainly felt vulnerable and insecure. Within a minute I remembered to be present and look at this as an opportunity to be trust the Universe. So I did. I didn't like it, but I accepted the situation.

Less than five minutes later the tour guide for a group on the bus is on the phone with my hotel asking them to bring my passport to a toll booth that we have to stop at. No one even asked him to try that. Another five minutes and there we are on the side of the highway and I am handed my passport. Sometimes I just feel that if I let go of what I want I am really letting go of my problems.

In the same sense, I jog on the street or park and smile at anyone I make eye contact with. You know what I get in return? Yup, a big smile. Isn't life grand?

Peaceful and content

It has been an amazing summer. Never before in my life have I been so content with life, so peaceful and so happy with what I have. I experience wanting almost not at all. And I find myself just enjoying the sounds of summer, the clouds, the trees, the ocean. And I know exactly why and what has happened.

Since early this spring and right on through till now I have been reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth and watching his webcast with Oprah nearly every day. You could say I've really immersed myself in the lessons of being present, aware, and noticing my thoughts, feelings, and body. It has been an amazing spurt of personal growth. I feel less attached to things, less wanting of things, and more comfortable with what I have and who I am. I didn't think life could be so simple and easy.

So how did all of this happen? Certainly I've read many of the things in Tolle's book before. I've been on this journey for a long time. Why the big change this summer? I think the advantage of seeing and hearing Oprah and Tolle together was critical. It is one thing to read a book and try to grasp what the author is saying, but with the webcast I was able to get so much more. Oprah and her guests were able to ask the questions, to ask for clarification, that you usually don't get when you simply read a book. So I was able to get so much more out of what Tolle had to share.

The webcast also added another time in my day to reinforce the ideas of the book. Reading a few pages during the day was inspirational, but then watching the webcast before going to bed gave me another shot of the ideas. And, the next day while I was doing things it was easier to recall what was said on the webcast than what was written in the book. Maybe the combination of the two senses, seeing and hearing, made a stronger impact.

So, if you want to really have a life changing experience and find more peace in your life, I encourage you to watch the A New Earth webcast. You can download it onto your computer or ipod at Oprah.com. For me, it has been more rewarding and life changing than any class I've ever taken or book I've ever read or person I've ever met or you name it.

War is a mind-set

I hesitate to write anything here political because that is not the purpose of this blog. So what I am about to say is meant to be apolitical, only an observation.

I watched John McCain's acceptance speech last night and I was struck with the frequency of his use of the word "fight." He said I will fight this and that probably about 30 or 40 times. The focus of his speech was quite different in tone than Obama's, who seemed to be more positive and spoke in more constructive terms.

In A New Earth Eckhart Tolle writes about war being a mind-set, that fighting unconsciousness will draw you into unconsciousness. "Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and whatever you resist, persists." It seems there is a clear difference in approach between Obama and McCain when it comes to bringing about change.

I also realized, observing how McCain chose Sara Palin at the last moment, he seems to react to situations, shoot from the hip as they say. Obama is more of a systems thinker, at least that is how he talks about change. McCain wants to drill and drill now to solve the oil problem. Obama offered a more comprehensive, holistic approach. In today's world, more than ever, we need politicians and leaders to see problems and the systems that they exist in. In a post-cold war world we don't need a fighter, we need a systems thinker.

I'm starting to show my leanings here. I'm sorry. I'll quit now.