Content and Form

I have recently undertaken the challenge of reading Leo Tolstoy's 1200 page classic War and Peace. I am amazed at the depth of insight revealed in his writing. Many wise thoughts and perceptions. Much of it useful in navigating life's wild, or not so wild, river. Here is one quote:

"Among the innumerable subdivisions that can be made in the phenomena of life, one can subdivide them all into those in which content predominates and those in which form predominates."

For a long time I have been aware of the important distinction between content and form. Another way of saying this would be to recognize the difference between the relative and the absolute, as in relative truth and absolute truth. Or inner purpose and outer action. Being and doing.

I am coming to realize that inner being, absolute truth, and form, must come first. Outer doing and action is secondary. In fact, if the form is correct, which means consciousness and awareness are present, then my actions will be in accord with the universe and it's unfolding.

I often ask myself what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I am beginning to understand that that is a waste of time. I will naturally be drawn to my calling if I am being present and aware. What a relief! I can't be certain if what I'm doing is God's will, but I can become more conscious, more aware, more present.

Eckhart Tolle says that there is another way to determine if what you are doing is ego driven and not your true path. If you are following your passion and it does not satisfy you, then it was your ego speaking and not God. And that insight is one of the most useful things I have learned in the past year! Why? Because it is very easy to tell what is satisfying and what is not.

Travel and See the World

We are told to travel and see the world. That is a good thing. It's educational. But for me it has been a dangerous thing.

What happens when you travel and see lots of places and decide that you would rather be there than here? It is kind of like an infection that doesn't go away. Even when you are able to move about the fever still burns underneath.

I love my home, my family, my friends. I love the city I live in, the company I own, the beach in the summer. But now, all the while I am home I wonder what is Hoa doing in Vietnam and Rocio in Ecuador, Maria Luz in Peru and Rosaria in Italy. Is Perry still drinking like crazy in Nicaragua? I miss them all and long to be somewhere else.

If only I could gather them all up and bring them home or take my family and friends to them. But I can't and that is the curse of travel. Be careful when you take off to see the world. You will lose parts of your heart. Fortunately, your heart will become much bigger and in the end, while feeling the pain of separation you will also feel the comfort of being loved.

Responsiblity and Knowing What to Do

I did another impulsive thing yesterday. I bought an airline ticket to Nicaragua. I leave in a week and come home before Christmas. So what is the problem and why have second thoughts? My dad said that if he were young and could he would too.

In my head I have to answer questions like: what, you couldn't stay home for a while? Why did you need to take off again? Don't you have anything better to do? You should save your money and take it easy. Can't you take the cold? Am I being irresponsible by being away from home so much?

I will admit it, even I think I must have an issue here. My nephew Ralphie told me in Vietnam that he travels because he must. I feel that way. I feel compelled to get away from the routine and go on an adventure, even if that adventure most likely will often involve times when I will hate what I have gotten myself into.

I admit it, I get restless, but who wouldn't, not having a job to go to? I'm told there are things I could do, but they all require giving up a large portion of my freedom. I can't do that.

Ultimately it comes down to a question of responsibility. Do I have a responsibility to stay here and do something, anything, or can I go off on these "adventures" with a clear conscience? What is my duty here? I often ask God to tell me what to do. I get answers to other questions, but not this one. Never, never am I told what to do.

Part of a prayer in A Course In Miracles says: "I do not have to worry about what to say or do because he will direct me." Fine. Direct me. So how does that happen? I have no doubt that God does direct me onto my life path, but I haven't a clue as to how, other than what my nephew said about knowing that he "must" do what he does. We do what we must and hope that we are being directed. I believe I am and accept that sometimes it feels like it's all a big mistake. But that's just the feeling at the moment, looking back I usually see purpose and perfection. It's all perfect, even our impulsiveness, our restlessness, our issues.

We all do what we must. And it's perfect.

Stop Seeking and Start Giving

A lesson from Scott Kalechstein's newsletter: There comes a time to stop seeking and start giving. Maybe I shouldn't be so worried about fixing myself and live.

Recently I've been trying hard to be a good meditator. Paying attention to my breath. But it is so hard to know when you are doing it right. In fact, it is impossible. How do I know, my mind might be wandering without me knowing it because I'm watching my breath? The thing is, we can't know concretely that we are doing a good job of being more mindful. We can only try. But we can give and live. Our actions can tell us if we are succeeding. Am I more peaceful? Do I get less aggrevated over things that happen?

I think I think too much. It is all well and good to seek the truth, to grow and learn how to be a better person. But there comes a time when the seeking has to take a back seat to the serving. If I do not do anything for other people what good is truth anyway?

I have been trying to find out what I am supposed to do next with my life. It seems to me that the next thing isn't about fixing me, but serving you. The question isn't what do I do next, it's how can I be useful.

What Crisis?

So, the world economy is in crisis. I'm told at my office that people have completely stopped buying anything because of uncertainty with the banks. The business that I've owned for 26 years faces the biggest challenge since our opening day. Do I feel any stress? Nope.

Stress is when you are not sure where your next meal is coming from. Fear is that your child may die from disease or lack of food. We do not have a crisis in our country. Crisis exists in Nicaragua, Guatemala, Honduras, Mexico, among others, countries that our corporations have milked for all that they could so that we can have the life that we live. No, we are not in crisis.

Traveling around the world has opened my eyes to the terrible crimes that our country has committed against others in the name of freedom. A lie. I see how most of the world lives and they have so much more than we do in our country and now all we can think about is ourselves.

It is interesting that the main reason we are about to elect a black president isn't because he is the best choice to lead our country, even though I believe he is, but people are voting for him because he will help them financially. It isn't our banks that are bankrupt, it is us.

Still, I am at peace because I know that the Universe has a way of taking care of things, there is justice and fairness. I believe that in the end we all get what we deserve, we reap what we sow. Crisis, are you feeling crisis? Let go of what you want and you will find peace.

Feeling Safe and in Saigon

I have learned from others and my own experience that we drawn things to ourselves. That can be good or bad. Since I have been more present, more aware of the inner me, I can feel a strong sense of being protected and blessed upon, for lack of a better word.

An example of this was yesterday. I checked out of my hotel in Saigon and forget to get my passport. (Hotels always hold it for security.) I didn't realize this until I was on the bus for Da Lat. I told the driver to let me off. They would not turn back. I was told that the hotel would send it to the bus company and I could pick it up in Da Lat tomorrow. That is not a comfortable feeling.

As I sat back in my seat the other passengers looked at me, as if saying, "good luck." I certainly felt vulnerable and insecure. Within a minute I remembered to be present and look at this as an opportunity to be trust the Universe. So I did. I didn't like it, but I accepted the situation.

Less than five minutes later the tour guide for a group on the bus is on the phone with my hotel asking them to bring my passport to a toll booth that we have to stop at. No one even asked him to try that. Another five minutes and there we are on the side of the highway and I am handed my passport. Sometimes I just feel that if I let go of what I want I am really letting go of my problems.

In the same sense, I jog on the street or park and smile at anyone I make eye contact with. You know what I get in return? Yup, a big smile. Isn't life grand?

Peaceful and content

It has been an amazing summer. Never before in my life have I been so content with life, so peaceful and so happy with what I have. I experience wanting almost not at all. And I find myself just enjoying the sounds of summer, the clouds, the trees, the ocean. And I know exactly why and what has happened.

Since early this spring and right on through till now I have been reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth and watching his webcast with Oprah nearly every day. You could say I've really immersed myself in the lessons of being present, aware, and noticing my thoughts, feelings, and body. It has been an amazing spurt of personal growth. I feel less attached to things, less wanting of things, and more comfortable with what I have and who I am. I didn't think life could be so simple and easy.

So how did all of this happen? Certainly I've read many of the things in Tolle's book before. I've been on this journey for a long time. Why the big change this summer? I think the advantage of seeing and hearing Oprah and Tolle together was critical. It is one thing to read a book and try to grasp what the author is saying, but with the webcast I was able to get so much more. Oprah and her guests were able to ask the questions, to ask for clarification, that you usually don't get when you simply read a book. So I was able to get so much more out of what Tolle had to share.

The webcast also added another time in my day to reinforce the ideas of the book. Reading a few pages during the day was inspirational, but then watching the webcast before going to bed gave me another shot of the ideas. And, the next day while I was doing things it was easier to recall what was said on the webcast than what was written in the book. Maybe the combination of the two senses, seeing and hearing, made a stronger impact.

So, if you want to really have a life changing experience and find more peace in your life, I encourage you to watch the A New Earth webcast. You can download it onto your computer or ipod at Oprah.com. For me, it has been more rewarding and life changing than any class I've ever taken or book I've ever read or person I've ever met or you name it.

War is a mind-set

I hesitate to write anything here political because that is not the purpose of this blog. So what I am about to say is meant to be apolitical, only an observation.

I watched John McCain's acceptance speech last night and I was struck with the frequency of his use of the word "fight." He said I will fight this and that probably about 30 or 40 times. The focus of his speech was quite different in tone than Obama's, who seemed to be more positive and spoke in more constructive terms.

In A New Earth Eckhart Tolle writes about war being a mind-set, that fighting unconsciousness will draw you into unconsciousness. "Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and whatever you resist, persists." It seems there is a clear difference in approach between Obama and McCain when it comes to bringing about change.

I also realized, observing how McCain chose Sara Palin at the last moment, he seems to react to situations, shoot from the hip as they say. Obama is more of a systems thinker, at least that is how he talks about change. McCain wants to drill and drill now to solve the oil problem. Obama offered a more comprehensive, holistic approach. In today's world, more than ever, we need politicians and leaders to see problems and the systems that they exist in. In a post-cold war world we don't need a fighter, we need a systems thinker.

I'm starting to show my leanings here. I'm sorry. I'll quit now.

Don't Want to Make the World a Better Place

I don't want to make the world a better place,
I don't want to make anything
for everything is already perfect.
I would simply sing my song in the symphony of life and
I would dance my dance to the rhythm of the seasons.

I don't want to change anyone and make them better,
I don't want to change anything
for how would I know what to change and what to leave.
I would plant my seed in the garden of life and
I would bring colors and fragrance to humanity's table.

I don't want to work and heal sickness,
I don't want to fix anything
for nothing is broken.
I would smile while I surrender to the wisdom of life and
I would live in this perfect present moment and breathe.

Change

"You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness."

Eckhart Tolle

It has taken me a long time to realize that trying to be anything does not work. There are so many things I've wanted to do or be, other than what I did or was but couldn't or wasn't. Any changes I've made on my own have been slow in coming and quite painful to achieve. And they have been relatively minor. But something interesting is happening this summer since I've been reading A New Earth and following along on Oprah's Webcast of the book.

Any time I start behaving or thinking in ways that are not what I really want to be going, suddenly, almost always, I become aware of my thoughts, feelings, and desires. This has almost never happened before. I would do something without thinking and then become aware that I am not happy about it. Now I have been conscious of what is going on before anything happens. Sometimes my actions change and sometimes they don't, but clearly my state of consciousness is changing.

This is an extremely interesting phenomenon. I become intensely aware, not just of what is happening, but that I am aware that I'm aware. It feels like I have more power, now I'm not acting unconsciously. I'm thinking this is the start of something good. I can see this developing more and bringing about real change. Imagine, being able to recognize my own insanity before I actually let it take root.

Go sell all that you have

I had a great conversation with a friend of mine in the gym this morning. We shared that both of us had a number of religious experiences and had a strong faith in God. Dick being very Catholic and I being very... eclectic (Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, etc). Both of our lives had been changed by our experiences.

Driving home the saying of Jesus from the Bible came into my head, "go sell all that you have and come follow me." I was thinking that if I had real faith would I need all the money in my savings account? How much faith in God taking care of me do I really have? I have faith but not enough to really trust God.

Go sell all that you have.

I'm not ready to do that yet, but I can begin by exploring that statement and wonder why I don't have more trust in the Universe taking care of all my needs. Just thinking about that seems to create more faith. I want to have enough faith that I could sell all that I have. Why not?

Appreciating Walking

I am 56 years old and I joined my daughter's boyfriend's softball team last week. During practice before my third game I pulled my right calf muscle. In warm up I stretched every muscle in my body except my calf muscle.I limped off the field. My dad had come to see me play, just like in high school.

I'm home today struggling to move around the house. I go outside to get the mail, limping, taking baby steps. I hope my neighbors are not watching. Walking slowly I hear the birds signing. I see the green of the leaves on the trees. I remember what it was like to walk without pain.

One minute I am running on the baseball field feeling like a kid again. Nothing feels as good as swinging a baseball bat or catching a fly ball. The next minute I walk off the field an old man. Tomorrow or maybe by Saturday I'll be young again. Things change every day.

I Don't Know

Here is a new perspective: I don't know. Randomly opening up Eckhart Tolles' book I came across the the idea that to not know is not confusing, only thinking that you should know. It is alright to not know.

My world is filled with not knowing these days. I don't know what I'm going to do for a new career (I'm giving teaching English as a second language in Vietnam a try), I don't know who I will ever find to come with me as a life partner (I can't even imagine what she would look like). Those are the two biggies, what to do and who to do it with. The interesting thing is I'm okay with it. Part of me wants to be active about doing something. But that doesn't feel quite right.

What I really hear the universe (or God) telling me is to get comfortable in the not knowing. Be in that place of "don't know." That is a good place to be for a while, maybe all the while. Today I kept that idea in mind and I stayed in the present moment more than usual. I guess not knowing does that to ya. How will all of this play out? I don't know.

Tim Russert

Tim Russert, the host of Meet the Press and NBC political commentator, died on Friday. He was 58. I liked Russert because in an age when news commentators are more about promoting their own agenda's, he was fair and unbiased. He appeared to totally love his work and always did it with a huge smile. He made a difference.

Seeing all the clips and conversations on television this weekend made me think more about life and careers. Why can't we all have jobs that we approach with the passion and enthusiasm that Russert had? It seems to me that I have been wasting a lot of time and education. After spending years in school and getting degrees the only thing I've been capable of doing is traveling and reading, with a little writing thrown in on the side.

Thinking about a career change these past few weeks, becoming a teacher of English as a second language, it is time for me to get off my ass and start helping people. And to do it with passion and love. Whatever it is, I have to be more like Russert and less like I have been for most of my life. There is no excuse for not making life better for other people.

The Long Emergency

What happens if the world runs out of oil? That is the question asked in the book I just finished called The Long Emergency: Surviving the End of Oil by James Howard Kunstler. He believes that we are near the end of a unique time in human history when nature provided a very cheap source of energy. We are coming to the end of oil.

The book was written two years ago when oil was $50 a barrel. I imagine now, at over $130 he is saying, "I told you so." If the law of supply and demand is correct, and price is determined by the amount of supply available to the amount of demand, my guess is that Kunstler is correct that we have indeed begun to run low on the amount of oil out there. We've already past our peak here in America and it seems that the Middle East has too. If this is the case, we have only just begun to see high gas prices.

So where does this leave us if Kunstler is right? Well, I plan on learning more about growing my own food. I plan on spending less and saving more. I plan on getting used to not eating animals or animal products because with out oil for fertilizer that is going to get very expensive. I'm going to read more on passive solar heating, maybe a greenhouse for winter veggies. Certainly a smaller car next time around. I think we should begin to think about simplifying our lives. Things are about to change.

Kunstler argues that we Americans don't worry about running out of oil because we expect someone to invent something when we need it, but he says that so far we aren't even close. It would be better to be prepared for hard times than to be taken by surprise. Since I like to have a holistic perspective on life I will keep what he says in mind. Maybe we will come up with some wonderful alternative to fossil fuel and maybe we won't. Actually, life wouldn't be so bad if we had to go back to the old ways of living. Living the good life, as Scott Nearing used to call it. I bet there would be a lot less need for therapists. We'd all be too busy growing our own food and trying to keep warm to get depressed about it.

Anyhow, the book is a good read, very interesting, and has proven to be a good prediction of the future. It can't hurt to be forewarned.

It's a Lot of Little Things

A good friend of mine died on Sunday. He was white water rafting with his two boys, fell out of the raft, swam back to the boat, and had a massive heart attack. He was 53. When I received the call I said I was surprised he lived so long.

I met Walter in Mexico. We became fast friends. We almost bought a bar in Cancun that week. Instead I taught him the cabinet business and we became partners in a new store I opened in Massachusetts. Walter was really fun to be with. One of the most likable people I'd ever met. The trouble was, he loved to take drugs, drink, and eat.

After a few years of being Walter's friend I had to part ways. I knew that if I didn't I'd end up dead, just as I was sure he would. I changed my life, my friends, my address, just about everything. Walter didn't, and now he's dead. Cutting the lawn today I asked myself why did I change and Walter didn't?

I know the biggest reason for me was that I didn't want to leave my kids without a father. So, was it love? I don't know, I believe Walter loved his kids, too. I know that my belief that God could help me, did help me. I think Walter believed that, too. I found other things to do that were satisfying. I went back to school. I took dance lessons. I learned to fly an airplane. I did so many things I have to wonder if I'm still running away from the life that eventually killed my friend.

Maybe I was running at one time, but it doesn't feel that way anymore. I pretty much feel at home, peaceful with my life now. So I ask myself, how did I get here and Walter didn't? The answer came quietly with the lawnmower chewing away, the birds sitting on my garden fence, the sun tanning my naked head. It was the same soft voice that saved my life about twenty years ago and told me to start taking violin lessons, that I was miserable because I didn't have anything useful to do. I couldn't have heard God's voice any clearer that day if He had come down and did all kinds of miracles. This time He didn't have to be so forceful because I'd learned how to listen to Him.

Here is what I heard: It takes a lot of little things.

I'm alive and Walter is dead because of a lot of little things. My mom bought me Hardy Boy books and I learned to love reading. My ex-wife told me about a book that Oprah was recommending. A janitor in college told me I should go to the prayer meetings at the Catholic Center. I had two really bad bosses so I had to start my own business to keep my sanity. There are a million "events" in our lives that make us who we are and determine who we become.

The lesson in all this for me is that each day I have an opportunity, no, more than an opportunity, a responsibility, to make my life more meaningful. There is not going to be one big thing that turns my world around. It is all the little choices I make every minute of every day. Brick by brick we build the people that we are.

It's funny because I was never one who could cram for an exam at the last minute or stay up all night writing that paper. I always did it a little each day. I always thought it was because I have ADD or something. No, it's living life one minute at a time, taking one little step towards heaven. Don't bother buying that lottery ticket. Plant a seed, now, right now. And grow.

Walter, I know you're reading this...I love ya and miss ya. I'll see you next time around, we'll do it differently.

The Value of Being Curious

I am on the plane returning home from Viet Nam and we hit turbulence. It's bad and it doesn't stop. I hate flying, the thought of being five miles above the earth in a tin bus with wings is unsettling. I sweat even when there is a light chop. I try not to think about dying at times like this.

But this time I tried something I've learned from reading Eckhart Tolle. I started observing myself, saying, "Oh, look, I'm scared. My heart is beating faster. I think I'm going to die." I made myself curious about what I was feeling. And a funny thing happened. While I was observing myself, the fear went away.

Maybe my mind was too busy being curious to allow scary thoughts. But that doesn't seem to be enough of a reason. I think it was objectifying of the situation, the separating of the me from the I. There was the I that was looking at the my fear. At that point I stopped being fear and started looking at it as something outside of myself. And the fear just dissolved.

I tried that yesterday when I had a craving to buy a steak and onion sandwich from D'Angelo's. Instead of resisting the urge, which I usually would do to no avail, I allowed myself to feel the wanting and look at it. I didn't push the idea away, I accepted it and let it be there. I looked at the desire as an object, separate from myself. Not fighting it. The inner emotion of wanting seemed to dissolve. I ended up making a large salad instead.

Wouldn't it be a wonderful thing if we could lose our fears and cravings simply by accepting them, looking at them, making friends with them. I think we can.

The American War

In America we called it The Viet Nam War. In Viet Nam they call it the American War. Isn't that a matter of perspective? America's role in the war cost millions of Vietnamese lives. And yet, here I am in Viet Nam welcomed like a brother. America liberated the French in World War Two. And yet, when I have gone to France I have always felt like an unwanted intruder.

My experience of the French is that they are not a very happy people. And the Vietnamese are just the opposite. I wonder if it has anything to do with war. I wonder if it has anything to do with autonomy. I wonder if we should let people take care of themselves, both as nations and as individuals.

In my training as a therapist we are taught not to give clients answers, but give them the tools to find the answers themselves. Wouldn't the world, our country, our towns, our homes, our places of work, our schools, be much better off if we all could be more therapeutic?

How Do I Know I'm Not My Body?

I woke up this morning and started doing my meditation where I ask myself who am I? I have a body, but I'm not my body. I have thoughts, but I'm not my thoughts. Etc. Then, so who am I? Ending with I am awareness, I am the space in which my body, thoughts, etc., arise.

I thought all of this is good, but how do I know I'm not my body? Maybe I am and all this is just fooling myself. So I began to think how could I know that I'm not really my body. Well, if I were to have my finger cut off, would I be any less of who I am? No, not at all. I would still be me totally. What if I lost my arm. No, I would miss my arm and feel really, really bad, but I'd still be me.

What if I lost both arms and legs? Now I'd feel really shitty, but, yes, I would still be totally me.

What if they could remove all my body except my head, put me on some kind of life support system, would I still be me? Of course, I'd have my thoughts, feelings, etc. I would still be totally me.

Then what if they removed my face, mouth, ears? What if all that was left of me was my brain? Would I still be me. Yeah, but it wouldn't be a lot of fun. What would I do but think?

Okay, what if then they started cutting off pieces of my brain? Well, then I might have trouble thinking about certain things, but I'd still be me. How far would they have to go before I couldn't think at all? And at what point would I not be me?

If I had lost my body and nearly all my brain, I guess losing a little more brain wouldn't matter, I'd still be me. When you put it this way, I really have to say, I'm not my body. I'm something very different from the flesh and bones that carry me around.

If I'm not my body, who am I?

I'm awareness. I'm the space that allows my body, my thoughts, my feelings, emotions, desires, to arise. I'm consciousness.

A New Earth

Reading has always been my preferred mode of learning. And I read a lot. Recently that has changed.

I am desperately trying to learn new recipes for preparing raw meals. I've got about a half dozen cookbooks, but I was getting nowhere until I borrowed a DVD from my daughter Gina. The DVD was a demonstration about making raw food dishes by Alissa Cohen. Something happened to me watching the video. It wasn't just seeing it done, somewhere deeper than my intellect I knew that I could do this. And I did. I'm making raw food dishes all over the place now.

At about the same time this was happening I started watching the online classes that Ekhart Tolle and Oprah have been doing on Tolle's new book, A New Earth. Now, I've read his first book, The Power of Now, about six times, one page at a sitting, slowly, meditatively. It has been an important part of my personal developmental process.

Watching Ekhart and Oprah exchange ideas about the book is having an impact on me far greater than just reading. I'm not sure why. Maybe seeing, like watching the cooking DVD, is bringing the information to a deeper level. Maybe the seeing bypasses the mind and thinking process and gets us at our core selves. Whatever it is, Tolle's teachings are having a much more profound affect on me than his books. If this is the case universally, then the human race is in for an exciting ride in the near future because what Oprah is doing with this live web cast is only just the beginning. As it is, almost anything you want to see is now available on YouTube. And it is only going to get bigger and bigger. Yes, folks, there is a new earth coming.

It is probably no coincidence that I just bought my first webcam for my computer. Now I use Skype to call to my son in New York and Mike in Tortolla. Seeing them live on the screen is so much better than just hearing them. Now using a regular phone seems so...boring. Maybe it will be that way someday with learning. It will be common to involve all of our senses. I think we as a race are evolving past the mind stage, becoming more holistic and using our deeper selves to comprehend new worlds.

By the way, if you are not watching the classes that Oprah has put on line with Ekhart Tolle, you are missing something really important. Don't get left behind. Go to Oprah.com and download the classes there for free. You don't have to have read the book to get a lot out of it. For me, my life has already changed and I've only seen the first two and a half shows. I keep saying to myself, "oh, I get it now." The result is that I am definitely living my daily life now at a more conscious level. Something happens and I go right to being aware of what is happening instead of getting caught up in it. I love it! Makes life a lot more enjoyable.

In The Shadow of the Volcano

I am staying here in Nicaragua for four weeks. I run five miles every morning in the shadow of several active volcanoes. It is hard to miss them and this part of the country is known as the "ring of fire." I enjoy seeing the smoke coming from them. On one, Volcan Telika, I stood on the crater's edge and looked into the smokey abyss. My thoughts today are on the meaningfulness of both the structure of the volcano and the empty hole that I was looking down.

I am reading two books right now that deal with the mind. They seem to be saying the complete opposite of each other. One says that we need to use the mind to improve our lives. The other says that the mind and all its activity causes us to miss our real lives. So which is right? Makes me think of the volcano. What makes the volcano? The large cone or the empty hole that the cone forms? Seems to me you can't have one without the other. I guess that's my holistic perspective at work.

Our lives are much better when we use our thoughts to mold our perspective on what is happening to us. After all, we need to use our minds to have a holistic perspective on life. We can use our minds to find the good in things that at first appear bad. We can focus on improving our lives, being loving and kind, we even use our minds to meditate.

At the same time we need the emptiness of the volcano's cone. We need that vast space where we cannot see what will happen next. We need the adventure and even danger that the gases bring up from deep within. That is where we can find our creativity, our energy, our source of strength.

I think our lives require us to make space for space, to quiet our thoughts and be with that darkness of not knowing for a while every day. I think then we will find that we can use our minds in a much more productive and helpful way.

When I stood at the crater's edge I was scared. My mind threw out thoughts like...suppose the ledge gives way, what a way to die! And another thought...how freaking beautiful all of this is! And then I just stood there, not thinking, standing in awe, taking it all in to somewhere deep inside of me. We need to stand at the crater's edge of our lives and take it all in, as often as we can. I want to use my mind and I want to use my stilled mind. I want my life to have the strong structure of the volcano and I want to pull out from the depths of the earth all the molten goop that simmers down below. It begins to sound like the shadows of our unconscious...and that might be a good thing.

Success requires living moment by moment

Sitting in my hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand, I recently had some time to reflect on things after spending five weeks in Southeast Asia. I was thinking about how easy it was to forget about being self-aware, being conscious, living on purpose. I barely took the time to mediate and make healthy food choices. Why? This is what I wrote:

"If we want to live the lives that we dream of we must be diligent. It requires almost constant attention to our thoughts and choices. We can't expect to succeed in life and living if we do not every moment be aware of what we are doing and thinking. Moment by moment we shape our lives, our bodies, our emotions. Not day by day, or week by week, but moment by moment. We must be conscious of what we are doing and thinking.

"There are tricks and skills that can be learned to help this happen. No universal skills, each of us have our own personal preferences that work best for ourselves. For me, I get inspired by books. The more I read, the more they remind me of what I can do and be. It doesn't require long hours of reading, in fact, many short readings work best. I am also motivated and helped to stay on track by talking to other people and hearing what they do."

So, tomorrow I leave for Nicaragua. I am determined to eat raw foods and avoid dead animals. I realize that it is not going to happen on its own, I have to make the effort. I have to make my life in reality what I have determined in my mind what I would like it to be. It is one thing to know what to do, it is another to do it. I know that I have relied for too long on my mind to get things done. Knowing is not enough. I believe I have to enlist my emotions now, which brings me back to having a holistic perspective. To live life fully it requires using our body, mind, emotions, and spirit. The next four weeks will be a test.

By the way, if anyone is interested, my second book Spanish Lessons: A Midlife Adventure in Search of Meaning is available on Amazon. If you do read it please post a review on Amazon.

Happy New Year! Who Am I?

The first morning of 2008. I woke up and after missing a few days of meditation began the "Who am I?" mindfulness meditation from my bed. It goes like this:

Clouds come and go. I have a body, but I am not my body. Breathe.

I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts. Thoughts come and go. Breathe.

I have emotions and feelings, but I am not my emotions and feelings. They come and go. Breathe.

I have memories, but I am not my memories. Breathe.

Who am I? Breathe. Be still for a while.

If you do this right there is a space and in that space you get a glimpse of who you really are. This morning in that space I understood that I am a learner, a student here on this planet, in this body, having these thoughts and emotions, learning lessons. I am happiest when I am learning, growing, moving.

I am not any of the things I think I am when I am not being aware. In my normal consciousness I am a walking body full of desires and wants forever trying to find food, pleasure, comforts, something to keep me busy. But, when I make the slightest movement to pay attention, to become conscious of my self, my true self, something else happens, I see what really is. The wants and desires fall away and I see my true passion, my true purpose in life.

It's a new year. I'm going to be more aware in 2008. I'm going to breathe and remember who I am.